Just To Let You Know.

I am gone until I get back to Erie Jan 2. I just need a break from blogging. Plus I have nothing to say. So take care all. I will be back soon.

R.I.P. Bhutto. Pakistan has lost a great woman and political savior. You will be there in spirit.

Christmas Break

I am now back in Baltimore for the holiday. I am soooo glad. I need this time to relax. The last few weeks have just been kind of slow. I have also lacked a little motivation to do work. I have no clue why that is so, it just is. I have been really slacking on school work which is not a good look. Kicking it in gear is necessary. Hopefully this break will provide the rest and relaxation that will kick me in the a$$.

I also will try to get together with some people since I am home. I need to see a few friends (Cnel) who I neglected the last time I was back. Also, if anyone Baltimore bloggers would like to link up, let me know.

I need to also work on my thesis while I have the time. If I hope to graduate, it needs to get moving.

I will also get my hair done. I need maintenance done on these locks. I am looking very Rasta at the moment!!

Random Thoughts Again

- I need therapy. I had a dream with Jameil in it. We went some where with my mom. A security guard disrespected them both and I choked him out UFC style.
- I also need to sleep better. This while 2am bed time is not working.
- My roommate is leaving for the winter term. That means I am in here by myself. It going to be lonely.
- Ugly sweater parties are stupid. Its the worst idea ever. Who wants to go out in public looking a mess??
- Baseball needs to get its act together. I cannot believe Roger Clemens used steroids!!! Thats why I do not watch baseball anymore.
- Too many of my residents look fine, especially the ones with boyfriends.
- I am about to do some cleaning in my dating life. There have been several times when I have picked up the phone and wanted to call all the women in my phone and tell them to lose my number.
- I have numbers of women who I do not remember meeting.
- The Ravens better not lose to the Dolphins!
- Who would have thought the Browns would have been so good this year??
- Its ugly here in Erie. The rain has washed away all the snow and now its muddy and just nasty.

She Got Kids

She got kids
And I don't know if I'm ready to give
Them the things that they need to live
'Cause if we become more than just friends what I do for her I gotta do for them kids
She got kids
And I just wanna make sure this is
more than just some sexual trip
See all I wanna do is prevent those kids from getting hurt again

Lyfe - "She Got Kids"

I am not feeling the situation I am in. One of the women I am seeing has two children. She is an older woman (at least older than me.).I have never been in the the situation before. So I am trying to play it by ear.

The problem is that she told me about one child but did not tell me about her younger son. I guess I should have asked a few more questions and all. But I feel she should have been a little bit more open about it. Now I am curious to know what else is she hiding. She should have told me from jump. So now I am reconsidering. Me and her have only been cool for a month and a half. I have not really talked about my family. Yet I do feel that was dishonest of her not to tell me from jump. I did not discuss it because I want to wait

Now I met the kids yesterday. We decorated one of her Christmas trees. I did not feel comfortable being over there with the kids. The oldest was grilling me. The boy stepped all on my coat. I wanted to yoke his little @$$ up. He was rude. Then the boy kept bringing up the ex. I am not jealous but that was rude. When my mother was dating, I would never do anything like that. She would have put that whupping on my bottom. But teh boy was being realy rude. She tried to check him but he would not listen. I told her on the way to dropping me off that her kids are a bit much and that we need to have a one on one discussion.

I do not know if I can do this. I mean I am not trying to wife her up or anything. I leave Erie in May after graduation and I let her know that. But I may still have to deal with the kids if I continue to deal with her. What am I getting myself into????

Skipping Class

I decided not to go to class this evening. I just was not in the mood to here my professor rant about Hinduism. Thus I am home (in Erie).

I hate Christmas. I really do. It is my least favorite holiday in the world. There is just an inherent cheesiness to Christmas that makes me want to take a sh*t. It just seems so fake and forced. I hate the music, the decorations, all of it. I just cannot wait for this time of year to be over.

I had a dream one night this week that had me scared shitless. I was being tortured by the police. It was serious. They did the whole waterboarding thing, burned me with hit cigarettes, electrocuted me. These dudes were just wailing on me. I guess I did not crack. I have no clue but I woke up in a sweat and that just is no cool. I need to quit watching tv. Damn vivid imagination.

I still have not put my stripper pole up this school year yet. I am having a hard time and people are still asking about it. I gotta do something about it. Cannot keep the ladies unhappy.

One of the young ladies I am involved with told me something that has me concerned. She said that I drink too much. It scared me when she said that to me. She said that I went out too often to the bar on the weekend. It has just made me take account of some of my behavior. I may need to check myself. I do not want to keep making unhealthy decisions. I am glad she was honest in sharing her opinion with me.

Uncomfortably Christian

Lord they really think they fooling you by coming to church on Sunday
praying and laying hands on folks stomping and jumping around faking the holy ghost
but its a thin line between walking it and talking it
living it and giving it or just pretending it’s alright
and did they really think that they could pull the wool over your eyes lord
did they really think that by faking they were saved that they would get the same reward
this be the realest thing I ever wrote for sure
after this a lot of folks wont like me no mo’
but after this I gotta go answer to you Lord

Lyfe Jennings "Made Up My Mind"

An epiphany has struck me.

I am uncomfortably Christian. I really am. I say this for a specific reason. I do not have a problem with most of the tenets of Christianity (I feel that every religion tends to have some logical fallacy. You cannot get up in the details). I really do not. The fact that there is no God but God and that Christ is his son does not disturb me. Treat others with dignity and respect. Most other doctrine does not bother me (except some Catholic things but that not my flavor. Again the small details).

Thus it is not the doctrine, but church that bothers me. I cannot stand going to church. I get a sick feeling in my stomach. The reason is all the hypocrisy, past and present. The church has had a reputation for not serving people the way God intended. It has failed us. Thus when I walk in, I see. I see it whenever a church asks for an offering. I see it whenever a pastor/preacher/father/reverend does not understand or know the internal matters of the church. I see it whenever people look despicably at new people in their church. Or the leader of the church is "encouraging" the Holy Spirit. Whenever someone "feels" the spirit and has a conniption on the floor, I want to throw up. I have seen so much fake shit that I lose all the desire to go to church. It is an uncomfortable environment for me.

So every Sunday, I realize one thing. I am uncomfortably Christian.

Random Thoughts

- I wish I could have brought some leftovers back to school. I dont feel like cooking or eating at the cafeteria
- I should find a way to get closer to my future stepbrother.
- I need to clean up my dating life. Its filled with clutter.
- This girl almost got jump smacked. She was trying to read my text messages on the sly. She just dont know that I have a Slap-A-Hoe tribal affiliation lol
- I need counseling. I have an obsesssive compulsive disorder. I have been cleaning my apartment for 2 days straight. Yet there is not much to clean up.
- I have also cleaned out my blog roll. There are blogs that are not active so I removed them from my favorites. Plus some have fallen out of favor. I hate to say this but some bloggers are phony and I can see it all over their blog.
- Cnel and I need to get together when I return.
- Also, I need to plan a trip to hang with Jameil. She is only 2 hours away and I have yet to see her. Get up with me Jameil!!!!
- I cannot believe Sean Taylor died!
- The Ravens need to get it together. The Patriots were a little too close to losing, especially to Philly.
- Why did maintenance drop off some salt and a shovel?? They get paid to do all that when it snows.
- I dont care what anyone says, bubble baths are relaxing.
- Watching that show in addiction last night almost made me cry. That hits a little too close to home.

Opportunity

I have been presented with two opportunities. On one hand, I have been presented with an opportunity to pursue archaeology (my major) work in Utah. The other opportunity is to teach at my former middle school, St. Ignatius Loyola Academy. I will be applying to both for jobs. It does look like I may get both positions.

I have time to make a decision yet I have started to think about it now. I have no clue which one to choose. I have always wanted to do archaeology. I used to feel that it was my calling. I just knew I would be a world famous archaeologist. I would travel the world (Italy and other ancient Roman sites), drink the native drink, try the native women. I felt that I would become an international playboy while doing some digging (just playing). But seriously, I thought thta it would be my only love.

Yet now teaching has become an option, a viable one. It has been something I have been considering since I arrived at college. I do not know why it has even become an option. I just started feeling like this could be a way to contribute to the world.

So now a decision has to be made. "Epsilonicus's Future '08" is way more important than that other decision

Swagger

I am arrogant.

Ok. Maybe I am not arrogant. But I feel like I am starting to get that way. The reason? My love life. I am becoming really successful at this whole thing. Ever since I turned 21 I have become an older woman hunter. 25 and up is all I have been getting. I mean I get the number, some dates. I love it. So lately I noticed that my step has a little pep in it. My chest is a little more poked out than normal.

I just feel a certain swagger and I worry. I do not want to come off as arrogant. So I am checking myself. Epsilonicus, no matter how many women put you on a pedestal, you are not Zeus.

What I Found

Just wanted to leave you a message seen as how I have nothing better to do, and it has always been easier to talk to you in these types of fashion rather than just look you in the face and say it. By the way, something was wrong with me…Justin all of a sudden found me on facebook and I guess it just bothered me because I thought I had taken care of that ahead of time. I guess it was all just a little too easy how things worked out between us and how I was able to just drop him off from my list of people that were important in my life. Oh well, other than that I can’t really explain what is wrong with me…I just seem to have this sad disposition and can’t seem to shake it. Who knows…maybe I am really just losing my mind. I am sure you are enjoying yourself though and that is the way it should be…just because I am sad does not mean that I need to put that off on other people. And after you read this I am sure you will be tempted to call me, or instant message me, but there is no need for such things (and yes, I am probably talking out of my ass).

I don’t know…maybe I just need a hug, or maybe I need something more than that. All of a sudden I just feel like bursting into tears, or better yet telling the world that I need you and love you. Kind of like I have let something be put away when it shouldn’t have and now my mind is like, “Ok, time to deal with this now!” But as time goes on I am sure I need to stop typing this message to you and just go unpack some random boxes that are left on the floor. Before I go though I do need to say that I thought about what you said. The whole thing about how you could get used to this and have it for a long time, and I started to wonder what you meant by that. Was it more that you could get used to my kisses being there, or more being there…like a long-term thing. I don’t know…I get so scared that I might lose you for some reason. Maybe not so much right now at this very minute, but sometime later. More like a situation that you and I couldn’t control. I know I shouldn’t let these things stop me from just enjoying the time I have with you, and it isn’t, but that doesn’t keep me from thinking about it. I guess it is a little different when you really love someone and you couldn’t imagine your life being even close to same thing without that person. I mean no questions asked I know that I would fight to keep you in my life and do most anything for you…of course being realistic in saying that. But I finally I am sure of myself that I love you and am in love with you…I mean everything though. The way you laugh, the way you smile in uneasiness when I would flirt with you, the way you kiss me, the way you miss me, the way that you can never stay awake on the phone even though you almost kill yourself in trying, and most of all the way that you love me. But it isn’t just the things that are good that I love about you…I love when you get angry with me because it shows that you are your own person. I love how you are stubborn and determined through the hardest of things…even if you are wrong. Maybe I am feeling down right now is because I am afraid of so many things because I don’t truly think that I have been in love with someone before you…maybe Lester…but that is still questionable. I am sooooo scared of so many things…like losing you, like fucking up, like opening up…just a lot of shit. It seems like every time I have something good it slips away from me and I cannot help but think I had a hand in it…The true question that I need to answer for myself now is where do I go from here? I guess this is my cry for help…I really think I just need some comforting right now…For once I need you to really live up to your words and be here for me when no one else has…you always have been…and I hope you always will for future times to come…

I found this on my computer while looking for an archaeology paper. It was a note written by her. I read this and it really really hit me. I was stuck on stupid for second. I re-read the note above and I instantly went back to the moment.

I went back to those moments of sadness and despair. I went back to her never wanting to go out. I remember nights when she would cry and all I could do is hold her. I remember her sayung she had no friends and that people did not love her.

Yet I also remember some good. I remember the rawness with which I loved her. It was a strong addictive feeling. Every kiss was akin to taking a hit of blow. It sent tingles down the spine. Holding her left me feeling content. There were times that I felt it would never end

Yet I miss that. I miss that feeling. I just dont want it to be with her. The reason was that I forced myself to feel that last one. I felt all the rest of it yet I forced myself to feel like I wanted it forever. I dope-fiended myself into try to fit into her vision of what I felt the future should have been. She had an idea and I tried to force it into being. This left me feeling pressured to do something I really did not want to do. Throw in the stress of her depression and it was a mess.

I do want to feel that strongly. I want the strong feelings that I felt with her. I really do. But I am not going to force myself to fit anyone's future. That was what went wrong the first time. I cannot make the same mistake twice.

Monday Blues

I am a little stressed right now. This fall term is starting wrap up. What this means is that all of my classes are starting to put a crunch on me. Professors are throwing down tons of work. It just does not seem to be enough time to do it all. Oh well, its the name of the college game.

I cannot wait to return to Baltimore. I miss my family and friends from home. I just really want to see them. Plus, I miss the city. I love it. Its busy and full of hustle and bustle. Its too quiet here in Erie. Life moves a little too slow for me. its just too small. Plus I cannot wait to see Cnel and go out for drinks with him! Thanksgiving break here I come!!

I keep making my lady situation more complicated. I just keep adding more of them. I just cannot help it. When I am in a relationship, its all good. But being single its different. I see a pretty girl, I add her to the flock. Now I know I should not complain because there are plenty of guys who do not have any women who like them. Yet I know that too many women can make life complicated. Trying to balance and spend equal time with them all is hard. Its hard out here for a pimp lol.

Im done for now. I just wanted to update you all

Dreams

I had this dream last night that freaked me out.

This dream was in the 3rd person. It was about a guy who was in the Army. He was stationed some where in Africa.The part of Africa seemed to have a lot of Arabs and Black Africans. This city was pretty diverse. It seemed as if there was a war going on. This soldier seemed to be pretty high up. Like he still actually fought but he was well respected. Yet he was unhappy. He wanted to switch and be in the Navy. He decides to not join the Navy. He then calls his wife. He talks to his child and heads out into the city.

One day while out he was ambushed in a city. This soldier was kidnapped and tortured. There was so many details about the torture yet I will spare you. He ends up dying. But then all of a sudden the dream switches. The soldier calls up his superior and decided he wants to join the Navy. His higher up was not happy and an argument ensues. The soldiers ends up leaving and joining the Navy. The dream ends with him on the ship reading a book.

What the heal does it mean.

Where I Am At

I am seriously loving life. It just does not get any better. I have been in a great mood and I cannot explain it.

Classes are going reasonably well. I did well on my History paper. I still need to see the results of the midterm. I got an A on my Video Production midterm and a B+ on the commercial for that class. I still have not gotten my grade for my North American Prehistory midterm.

My relationship with my friends is going well. I love my crew. No matter what, I know they are always going to be there for me. There is a small issue, or maybe not so small. My friend Nick I think likes her. I at least know for sure that her likes Nick. He just denies it all. I know he is telling the truth but I know she has some feelings. I know it. I can sense it deep. I see how she is around him. My thing is that she is grimey. I gave my blessing in order to keep things god between me and him. If he ends up loving her, I refuse to be the one stopping that. I just want someone to be open with me. Plus I just dont think her should be trying to holler at one o f my boys. She got mad at me for a similar situation in which her former roommate tried to get at me. Whatever. Like I said, thats my buddy and I wont let nothing and no one get in the way.

Things are good with the lady friend. All is good on that front

I did call and wish my brother happy birthday. He was not there so I left a message. That little punk has been dodging me. Ima kill that little punk. Plus he asked for 16 one dollar bills talking about they are for the girls who drop it. He just turned 16. What does he know about that?

Oh yeah, I am doing this interview thing where you readers get to interview me. This means email me six questions and I will post answers. Ask away!!

Stability

After last night, I have realized that I am searching for something:

Stability

I had to have a talk my my lady friend last. I told her that I need some more stable, more permanent. That things cannot stay the way they are. She has been basically getting all the benefits of a girlfriend without actually being one. So we discussed things last night and I told her I am not rushing her but I am not waiting forvever.

I guess this need for stability has been getting to me now since I am a senior. I am currently looking for work now. I am thinking about my career choices. I am preparing for my future. Thus I have been cementing my relationships. I have been anchoring them for the long run. People I know who are bad with I do not associate with. I cut them out. My circle of people I associate with has gotten smaller. I try to surround myself with people I know support and love me no matter what. There is no half stepping. You are either down or not. I have also been trying to improve my relationships with others too. I am trying to be a better friend.

But I guess what I want is stability. I want people who will be around for a long time. I guess I have started that search last night.

Now That I Am Grown...

I like being 21. I am serious. This thing we call turning 21 is amazing. Here is what I did

Monday, Oct 1st

This was the day of my bday. So what did I do? I went to the bar. There is this spot called the Cornerstone. It is the Mercyhurst College bar. This place has all kinds of memorabilia from my school there. Thus it is only appropriate that your first legal drink is taken there. So me and the crew go here around 10pm.

It was a great night at first. It was $1 dollar shot night so they shots were flowing and everything was all good. I ended up singing Ray Charles karaoke (everyone knows I love Ray!!). I was loving it. It got to the point where this 48 year old woman was on my heels. I let the game flow real pimp-tight. (Ok this is where I start to really feel myself lol) I was telling her everything she wanted to hear. She was telling me what I want to hear...

But I got a little too drunk. After 16 shots I was sloppy. I ended up being carried into my building because I got so drunk. I threw up and then went to sleep. I woke up the next day still drunk and nausea. It was bad.

Wednesday Oct 3

I go out and hit up Peccadilos. I did not get drunk but had a great time. I love their vodka and cranberry juice drink. Its lovely. Thats my all time favorite and I love it. I danced the night away with the crew and just enjoyed myself

Thursday, Oct. 4th

The roomies and I had a few drinks. Just something simple

Friday, Oct. 5th

I made my triumphant return to the Cornerstone. I had a few drinks with some friends of mine. I then just went around campus and visited some friends, had some more drinks. It was a good night overall.

Saturday, Oct 6th

The final day of Epsi-Palooza. A few friends and I hooked up some Jello-shots. Those tasted pretty good. Then we went to a few parties. I did my thing. Some of my friends got a little drunk and I took care of them. I just had fun.

I love being grown. This is fun

If Its Ya Birthday, MAKE SOME NOISE

Guess what:

It is my birthday make some noise!!!!
I am now legal baby!!! The big 21!! I am celebrating sll week. I am going to the bar tonight, strip club Friday, and doing a bar crawl Saturday. So you may not hear from me this week because I may not be coherent enough lol!! But I love you all and see you all next week. You want to celebrate with me, call me!!!

Fall Formal

Now that I have some time, I have finally gotten around to posting pics about the Fall Formal, which was Friday. I started kind of rough. I was in a bad mood and feeling kind of homesick (weird for a college senior). But I was able to suck it up. I had a whole lot of fun. I hope you all see that in the pics. Plus I look fly. Go ahead and admit it. I was rocking the suit with some red stripes, a pink shirt with a red tie. Sounds crazy bit looked good!!!

Me and Ty

Me and my date

The fellas
Me and the date again

With some of my residents

Getting down on the dance floor. Its hot so some clothes come off
Some of the people from my RA staff. North Briggs Staff!!


You see that?? I won the award for best dressed male!!!!! *Outkast music kicks in* "Aint nobody dope as me. Im just so fresh and so "FRESH AND SO CLEAN CLEAN!!!"

Petey Pablo's "Raise Up" came on and the shirt came off. At leat my deodorant is clear! Im not doing the LL!!

At the end of the night.She is rocking the glasses. I know she loves my style!

Good Space

I am in a good space and here is why:

Classes
I am doing reasonably well. I like most of my classes. My history professor is a character. I have to work hard in his class but he is an interesting lecturer. You can actually see that he loves his subject matter. My Prehistory class is going well too. I missed a class but I am not far behind. My video production class is fun. I am doing a cologne commercial for one of my projects. It is coming along pretty well.

Fitness
I have been hitting the gym every other day. This body of mine is getting right!! I gotta get these muscles for the ladies!!! But seriously, I am feeling more fit everyday. I like this. My only complaint is that my flag football team sucks. They put in no effort at all. I got so pissed yesterday that I almost quit. They just stand around and complain.

Other Stuff
I am going to the Fall Formal this Friday! I promise to take a lot of pictures. I am taking my lady friend. I actually asked her. She said yes. So I guess we are going. But I know we will have fun, I am going to guarantee it.

Living wit my roommates is cool. We hang out a decent amount. We may not be best of friends but we get along. Our apartment stays clean. I never have to complain about anything. Its all good here.

Letter To Osama

Osama bin Ladin,

You have failed to stop my way of life. Yes, you have made me think and re-evaluate all that I hold dear. Yet, you have not stopped me. You can't stop me. You can blow buildings. You can poison food. You can continue to send tapes that threatening to destroy my way of life.

But you have failed to realize that you cannot stop me. Can't stop, won't stop. So no matter what you do, I will continue to go to class. I will tell my mom I love her. I will go to work. I will travel. I will live. Because the hate you feel can never hurt me enough to make me change. You do not hold power over me. You never have and you never will

Life Lesson

I have made a realization recently. It kind of just hit me.

I normally chase women who talk shit. What I mean by that is that the women I chase tend to have to outwardly display their supposed confidence. They have a sassy attitude. They always have a sarcastic retort to something I say. They always have to challenge me, question me. There always has to be some kind of tug-of-war. Most women I chase seem to always need to put their confidence on display.

But what I have realized is that those women have to stunt for everyone are not confident. They have the worst self-image issues ever. What I thought was confidence was really a cry for attention. The need to be sarcastic and witty is not confidence. It shows that you must always put someone or something down in order to feel good. Sarcasm is not confidence. If you feel good about yourself, there is never a need to rub it in. It just shows in your actions.

I guess i realized this because right now I am seeing a young woman who is not loud with her "confidence". She has a quiet self-assurance that I appreciate. She is never abrasive. She does not have to always be sarcastic or witty. She just carries herself with a dignity that is calm, quiet yet present. I like this. I am not going back.

Maybe next time I blog I will tell you a little bit about the young lady, epsecially since she has me cooking. We all know I dont do no cooking ;)

School Time Grind

Classes have started here at the good ole 'Hurst. I like 2 of them: Video Production and Prehistory of Eastern North America. Those are going to be my favorite. I do not like my European History before the Renaissance class so far. We had a quiz and I failed it. He asked these uber-detailed questions. Oh well. I have plenty of other chances to make it up.

This RA thing should go well this year. I have some cool residents. I do have one that may be some problems. She likes to party a little too loud. I love my peace and quiet and I will not tolerate it being disturbed. So I am going to have to check that. It is weird being one of the elders on my staff. All the new people ask me for advice. My AD expects me to step up and be a leader. Being one of the elder statesman is cool.

Now here comes the love life situation. There is a girl I am seeing. We have been friends for a while but things changed in Texas. We started spending a lot of time together, watching the stars and flirting. I guess people noticed it. So now we are involved. She broke up with her man at the beginning of summer so we are taking it slow. She stays the night over here. We just stay up watching movies and talking. I am suppose to cook dinner for her and she is my date for formal. The only reason I am going is because of her. I am going to be careful. I dont want her to make a rush decision or anything. I gotta protect myself.

But anyways, I am leaving you folks to your own devices. I need some food and blogging does not put any food in my refrigerator. Yet.

Compassion

There has been an incident that has moved me. I has left me in deep reflection

A young student athlete was pregnant. She had hid the pregnancy from everyone. The day that I arrived here on campus she gave birth to the child. The child only lived 10 minutes. There is a full investigation. The baby died of asphyxiation and the death was labeled a homicide. The DA has yet to press charges.

When I heard the story all I could do was feel for the young woman. While everyone else was looking at what the girl could have done to prevent this, I felt for her. People condemned while I just empathized.

Now if the girl killed the child. I am not excusing the behavior. That is wrong if that is what happened. But I can see why she killed the child. She had a kid in her apartment by herself. She hid this pregnancy from people and did not want anyone to know. She was probably scared. She felt that she had no one in her corner. Panic probably ensued once the baby dropped.

I just feel for her. Now her life will never be the same. She probably will never return to Mercyhurst. If she did kill the child, it will be on her conscious forever. All I can do is feel compassion. I cannot judge; I refuse to. I would hope that in her position I would do the right thing but I may never know. I may never be in her position. All I do is pray for her. Because she does not need another person to judge her; her fear of that is what created the situation in he first place.

Back At School

I am back in Erie and ready to do this college thing again. I have been up here since Sunday and I realized something. I actually missed this place. I really don't like Erie. It is ugly and boring. Yet I have inexplicably grown attached to it. It sometimes pulls at my heart. It feels comfortable and familiar. Somehow, I have grown and adjusted to this place. Its cold as shit here yet I wait for those winters. Its weird.

RA training is going well. I like my staff this year. Well, at least most of the people. Some are trying to create dissension. As an elder statesman on my staff, I will definitely try and make it better. I will do my bets to prevent all the cliques and everything. I have some other stuff to report but I may speak on it later. It is of a sensitive nature. Everyone take care. You will hear from me soon.

Sounds In My Mind

* America Ferrera is damn attractive.


* Sean Kingston sounds horrible live
* I am ready to quit doing this damn thesis proposal. Just give me my damn General Science degree
* Its hot in Baltimore. I am ready to go back to Erie.
* I love having dinner with Wise
* I would love to buy Common's album legally. I just am broke. So I am actually gonna wait and support a brother instead of downloading it.
* Plies song "Shawty" is the shit. I cannot explain it. The verses are not the greatest but that chorus jumps. The bea is catchy and I cant get it out of my head.
* Why my younger brother did not want me to go to the carnival with him? He is a punk.
* My friend Cassie visited Monday night and we had a blast.
* I am a borderline crudball kind of guy. Maybe one day I will explain.
* I have no clue what I want to do when I graduate college and I am perfectly fine with that.

Interracial Crisis

I am having a crisis of the heart.

I told Cnel about this while in Texas. That trip really really pulled on my soul. Thats why I wont blog or post pics (plus I lost the cord to connect my camera to my comp lol). It really left my soul hurting. Here is why.

I am reconsidering my stance on interracial dating, specifically between Blacks and Whites. I am not saying am stopping but I am cosider that I should stop dating interracially. I had discovered a lot in Texas. Not discovered, but more came to terms. I realized that our society still has a lot of ignorance. That as much as we have integrated, Whites still know very little about Black people.

Now I do not expect that Whites understand everything. I guess I thought that we were further along. I felt that maybe it was not as bad among people in my age group. I thought that anthropologists-in-training were more aware, especially since we study culture. I was wrong

While in Texas, some of the people (all female since they were the vast majority while there) just made some retarded comments. The sad thing is that they were not even malicious. They were born out of the fact that these people have limited knowledge of interacting with people of color. I ended up having to defend my people and what we do. I know that Black people have issues. We really do. Some of us do some ridiculous shit. But (this may sound old school) I just could not let them criticize us. I just couldn't.

The experience made me think. Do I want to have to explain things to a woman who is White?? I just am tired of having to explain my Blackness. I feel like its on trial. I guess I am tired. I just want someone who understands where I am coming from and can accept it.

Then there is a part of me that says I can't stop dating interracially. There is a young lady who is White. I have known her for a long time. We are friends. We spent a lot of time together in Texas. Now, we both are kind of feeling each other. We even have a date for when we get back. So now I feel like I cannot exclude her because of her skin color. She is a good person. I cannot justify reconsidering my dating stance with the fact that I find her attractive. I have always been raised to not judge people by their skin color but I feel like I am doing it now. Who knows. I am just confused.

My Response

My friend Cnel wrote a 7 part blog series about a girl named "Harvard Girl". Many asked what my response would be and here it goes.

I think that the girl was bad news. I felt that she was irresponsible and immature. I do not even think she valued his friendship that much. Here is why. The way she let him was crazy rude. She asked "Are you serious?? I hope you are." That is not appropriate and very rude. Thus I do not like the chick. She is an F in my book. It took her more than a year to apologize. Plus she was not that cute too. She had a funny shaped head.

I think that there are no ideals. From my experience, we all have too many personality faults to consider anyone an ideal. There are just too many personality quirks. They make us beautiful These make us interesting. They are very annoying. However, they do not make us ideal.

Plus what happens is that you do as they say on "40 Year Old Virgin" (and excuse my language): You put the pussy on a pedestal. You never want to do that. When this happens, one's judgment becomes clouded. You tend to ignore the important facts. It just makes things muddled. One wants to stay sharp and having an ideal (putting the pussy on a pedestal) makes you a little less sharp. Also, you miss out on this person's faults. Sometimes the ugly is beautiful.

Guess Who Is Back??

Guess who's bizack?
Back on the block with the old Face Mob
Mack Mittens and Hov'
Don't make me relapse
Back to the block with the fo'
Cuz this street shit is all I know

Scarface feat. Jay Z & Beanie Sigel - Guess Who's Back

I am baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!! Well, almost. I am at school right now. I will be in Baltimore later on this fine evening. after 127 insect bites and some in uncomfortable places, calloused hands, sore muscles, shredded sanity, and a tan (I am so dark I look like Akon. I like this complexion on me) that I am alive and well.

If you have been blind or not paying attention, I have been in Florence Texas. I was at Field School working on my archaeology skills. There were two sites that my school was working on, Gault and Whitehead 1. Gault was a Paleo-Indian site and Whitehead 1 is a ranch from the 1870s. I worked at Whitehead 1.

Lets just say Texas was an adventure.

Florence was in the middle of no where. I really mean it. The town had a population of 1054 people. The town was like 4 blocks. There were no street lights. Anything that could possibly remind you of a city was gone. Plus there were very few Black faces and I was scared outta my mind.

There should be a law against the conditions we were in. Physically they were ok. I mean we used Port-A-Potties and solar showers. We had air conditioned trailers. It could have been worse. But mentally, that trip was cruel and unusual punishment. I ended up spending practically 24 hours a day with these people. That's hell. 24 hours!!!!! What were they thinking!!! Add to the fire that you could not leave as you please and you were asking for insanity to occur. I went flipmode on a few people. I started feeling slightly paranoid. I had no rpivacy. I could not even use the toilet in peace without people bothering me. I only had privacy in my dreams. And when your dreams start being invaded by these people, a doctor is in high demand.

I loved the work. Being in the field was fun. The work is laborious but fufilling. I like it. But the people are a piece of work. I would have enjoyed field school if I could come and go as I pleased. No one could use the vehicles but the TA's. Plus we were so far out that we could not walk anywhere. Plus the TA's did not want to drive us anywhere. So we all got cabin fever and wanted to kill people. I never needed a drink so bad in my life.

Here is what I learned in field school:
1. Women are not always right but they always win the argument.
2. If you hold your nose you cannot smell the sulphur in the water.
3. I can lay down and still excavate.
4. If you want a van full of women to leave you alone, scratch your "junk" in front of them.
5. Tying your wet cellphoe to the AC vent will not dry it out.
5. Dont drink the water if your farts smell better than it.
6. How to take 3 minute showers
7. Black is scary yet beautiful

I will say that my trip was a character building experience. Being one of 4 males in a group of 19 females will do that to you. But there were good times too. Like our dance contest or.... I cant remember anymore lol. I mean the times I enjoyed were just the one on one sessions I had talking to certain people. There were not many fun times I had as a group. Oh well. Sometimes it works like that. But I am glad to be back in civilization. I really am.

Dont Wanna Leave

'Cause I don't want to leave (Ooo girl)
But I gotta go right now
I'll be back to hold you down (I don't wanna)
I don't want to leave no
But girl I gotta go right now
But I'll be back before you know it
Trey Songz - Gotta Go

This is going to be my last post for 2 months. I am headed to Florence Texas for archaeological field school. What this means is that I do not have internet access. What I may do is have Cnel update my blog for me. We shall see. I am going to miss you all but check back for me on July 28th. I will definitely be blogging by then. Until then, take care

Our First Date

So yesterday evening, I had a date with a young lady. Here is how I met her.

Her name is "Grown". She is 22 and she has a job and her own place. She also has a daughter who is 4 I believe. I have known her for years. We used to be a part of a grantmaking organization here in Baltimore. I met her my freshman year of high scholl and I instantly had a crush. I really did. But I never really approached her. We were cool. Like we spoke and would talk before, during, and after meetings. We knew each other but we never became very close. We were cordial, friendly.

Fast forward.

She gave me her number I believe when I came home Spring Break. So even when I returned to school, she would text me every now and then. I basically heard from her more than I heard from K.

Fast forward

This is going to sound very retarded and childish. She posted some goofy MySpace bulletin and I filled it out and sent it to her. One of the questions asked "Have you ever had a crush on me?". I figured I might as well try to milk it for what it was worth. I said yeah and she messaged me back. So I called her and we talked about it. She said she was curious about me but she did not want to step to me. Why? Because of K.

But I still stepped up to her. We had been talking on the phone all week every night. I then suggested that we go out to dinner. I took her out to a place called Burke's. It is a small restaurant downtown. The food was great. Our convo was incredible. I was very nervous though. I went from dreaming of going out on a date with this girl to actually doing it. So I got all shy and everything. But we actually enjoyed ourselves.

Again our only problem is our friends. I have a friend who used to kind of see her. But he never took her out or anything. I know he had some feelings but basically bounced between Grown and some other women.

And Grown knows K. They are not friends but they know each other. And K has supposedly expressed some feelings. But she wont express them to me. K rarely calls me at school. She makes no effort to see me at home. I will hear from her the night before I leave for school saying she wish we could have hung out. She did not call me on mybirthday. K is not my girlfriend and she is not obligated or anything. But if you have feelings for people you do certain things. Those include calling at least more than once every 2 months, calling on holidays, spending time with the said person. I also do not know much about K. She is very secretive and closed off. So I find it hard to really trust her. Also, I dont want things to go further wit K. And when I am happy with the status quo, I dont move. So K is about to be replaced.

Grown is like the first established woman I have dated. I mean she has a child. She has her own place. She works a decent job. It is weird. Sometimes I worry about that. Like I am no way near as established as she is. I am still in college and everything. Everyone has their own path to follow.

Finally hitting it off with Grown has a down side. I am leaving for Florence Texas on Thursday. I should have done this earlier. Oh well. Sometimes it works like that

Since I Have Been Home

I have been home since Monday and I have loved it.

BALTIMORE!!!

I have been home since the 21st and I am loving it. I have been relaxing and taking it easy. A friend of mine graduated from Morgan State and threw a party. This young man showed up and had a ball. I loved it. I also been doing a lil bit to make some cash. Just some speaking things that line my pockets. But I have been taking it easy.

I have been holding out on you all. I met this girl that shall be called henceforth "D". I met her a week before I left for school. We met at a really good friend of mine's party. I came with a young lady and all. That lady friend and I went on a few dates and all but then we kind of did not talk. Nothing bad but school got hectic. Plus she told me she was kind of seeing someone. So she finally decides to make hanging out with me a priority. So I take her to the this party.

We get to the party and I am introduced to D. We instantly start flirting, She kind of checked out my lady friend, tryna make sure that she wasnt my girl and all. After that though she had my attention. She flirts and have to flirt back. So I get the number before I leave (*singing to myself* You know what it feels like, the game so pimp tight). I figure that I will prolly not see D again. It is a week before I leave.

Well D is putting in some work!! She made sure she saw me 3 out of the 5 days before I left. Not only that, she took care of a kid. She works as a cook at Olive Garden. And I was moving out. So I did not have much food in the refrigerator, So she brought me food. Since I been home, we have talked every night. We texted each other throughout the day. I am feeling her. She is a cool chick. I am taking it slow. I mean my summer is hectic as all hell. I am going to be gone from June 7th to July 28th. So I aint rushing a damn thing.

I have field school from June 7th to July 28th. I have to do this in order to graduate. Field school is where we actually work on an archaeological site. It is a class. I really am nervous. The site is in Florence, Texas. It is a small town. I have never spent so much time in the South. So I am not even going to pretend I am not nervous. Plus, her is going to be there. That should be an experience. Everyone has bets that we will sleep together. I am definitely going to try and avoid that. No drama is wanted over here. It is going to be hard because she is going to be the best looking thing there. Just say no... Just say no...

Update:
You how when you have a convicted sex offender move into your area they pass out flyers letting you know they are in your neighborhood?? My little brother grabbed the flyer and went looking for the guy. He walked the street for like an hour looking for the guy just because the flyer said if you find the guy with a kid 12 and under call the police. Now my lil bro is 15 and he is stocky, but he need to quit.

Oh yeah. I have On Demand at my house. I love it!!! You can watch music videos whenever you want!! They need to get this at college

I've Been Tagged

The Rules.... You are to write six revealing, strange/quirky things about yourself. Then tag 6 other people. This should be fun.

1. I eat the food on plate weird. I first taste everything. Then eat one thing at a time.

2. I constantly clean my fingernails. Not cut them, but clean them. I just can't help it.

3. Whenever I enter my mom's house or my apartment, I open the refrigerator. I even do it randomly. I am not hungry, I just do it.

4. I am right-handed but I hold my ink pen like a lefty

5. Every few months I rotate where I sleep in my bed. For example, I slept with my head towards the window first few months of school. Then I moved to my head facing the door.

6. I have to check the news at least 5 times a day. I am addicted.

I tag Cnel, 'Nefty, Wise (I know u hate being tagged), Jameil, Bk Diva, Rashan

Junior Year of College in Review

Here is my junior year of college in review:

-single
-the big blow up with her
-RA training
-my invisible Air Force Ones!!
-I got a stripper pole on my birthday!!
-I enjoyed my time at the Pennsylvania Black Conference on Higher Education in October
-Going to Pitt Titusville with my girl Jess. Big ups to her!!
-Trips home chilling with my Blue Monster Crew!!
-My epiphany with "When The Levees Broke"
-Me tryna holler at the 24 year old RA on my staff and failing miserably hahahaha
- Going to a party thrown by someone in major and that girl getting me drunk and tryna keep me at her place
-Going through Black people withdrawal
-Giving my residents lap dances as birthday gifts
-My ever revolving female situation.
-The big blowup in the rain with her
-Savannity's recital
- The bitter, bitter, Erie cold
-Trying to get the radio station up
-Caribbean Nite at my place
- The parties at my place nearly every weekend
-My wild and crazy Easter break
-My little brother came and visited
-Virginia Tech (bow head in remembrance)
-MY PITTSBURGH WEEKEND!!!
-Her and I talking again
-Me being hurt by her
-Moving out my apartment
-A new young lady (I have not blogged about her yet)

Anything I left out???

Letter To Myself

Dear Eps,

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU DUDE?!?!?!?!? You are off the hook. Seriously, you have been on the wild side for the past trimester. You party every weekend. Every. You may not necessarily drink but you always throwing a party. You stay up late all the time. Sleep is not something you do often. You are deranged.

You have had "relations" with some of your residents. You made out with one. The one which has a boyfriend. I know you do not care. I know it is not your problem. But you know she is going through some emotions about it. I mean she stays in your face all the time but still. Just say no. Just say no. The other lost her virginity to you. And you just had to oblige her. Again, she may have started but you could not say no. These actions can destroy friendships. You are being so selfish. You aint really thinking about no one else. Get it together! Get it together!

You have also isolated one of your roommates. You know has some issues that he will not discuss. You know he is not at that point in his life where he can just man up and bring issues up to you. Your ass should have just walked up and said something. Instead, you just ignore him. You may say hi and all but you just dont worry about his needs. Selfish man, selfish.

You would not be so wild if you listened to me. I mean I tell what is good for you, not what feels good. There is a reason you should avoid doing stuff with your residents. You should not isolate your roommate. Dude, you are changing, you really are. Just think, do you like those changes?? Do those you love like those changes??

Now to her. You know her has some hang ups. She was on some straight jealous when she heard that you and a resident hooked up. I really do not know why you even talk to her. She tries to play games and but you still talk to her. I know you love her. It is hard not to love her. But leave her be. Her has hurt you. She really did. But you keep her around. This chick is a like a drug. That high feels good but you know that coming off it is gonna be a bitch. Just be careful. As much of a player you think you are, you are still capable of being hurt.

At least your grades have not suffered. You did well. So there are no complaints. But take a look at your life. We dont need to go down certain roads. We really dont

Cordially,

Your Conscience

Dance Appreciation

Here is part of my Dance Appreciation Final. I choose and choreographed this part. I thought it went well. The song was Gnarls Barkley's "Transformers". I hope you like it. It is my first ever dance class and definitley the first time I choreographed anything.

My section for dance appreciation

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Best Friend of Mine

As some of you may well know CNel, a fellow blogger, is my best friend. We have known each other since 5ht grade. That means that we have been friends for 10 years. I love him like a brother. He is a brother. Whenever something goes down, I talk to him. I need advice, I talk to him. Need money, I talk to him. I need someone to just listen, I talk to him. Plain and simple, he is one of the greatest people I know. I really admire him. He is a man for others.

This is going to be our first summer apart and that bothers me. I am serious. This guy has always been around and I guess I take it for granted. He is going to Illinois for the summer and he leaves next Saturday. I have some feelings about that. I am happy that he has this internship. It will provide him an opportunity to do some things he has never done. But at the same time, I want him close. Especially because I am going to Texas for part of the summer. I was hoping to see him before I leave. But now I will not have the opportunity to see him. I will not see him until Thanksgiving. I am going to miss my best friend; my brother.

I also feel like that I should not feel this way because I am an adult. I should be used to this. College seperated me from a lot of people. But with him I was always able to stay in touch. I was able to catch him Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring break, and the summer. I got used to that pattern and now it is being broken. I definitely aint feeling that.


(us our freshman year of college)

Bounce Back

Have you ever woken up (is that a word??) and thought that you were invincible?? Like there is nothing that can stop you?

I had that today. My first thought today was " I am IT!! No one can tell me otherwise". My chest was just a little extra puffed out and everything. I literally woke up with that thought and it dictated my day. Nothing could hold me back. The rain could not stop me. My behind schedule senior thesis proposal couldn't. Nothing could. It felt good to wake up like that. It also helped that I had a positive encounter with a young lady yesterday. I might tell about that one. I will see.

Today is a good day to be Epsilonicus. It sure is.

I knew walking into that situation I was setting myself up for heartbreak. I knew it. I had that gut feeling on the inside. That one where you say to yourself, "I am about to do something very very stupid.". But I guess I had trusted her. I trusted her with my emotions. I thought that because of our past history, thats he would be careful. She knew my emotions were a little fragile. I may not let on but she knew. I told her. Maybe that is where I failed. I let her back in. I thought things would be like they were. I felt myself fall. I got caught up in the hope. I always am willing to take risks. I figure that if you never try then you always fail. This time, I failed miserably.

I am trying to not be bitter. I am trying to not take it out on anyone. I do not want to build walls. That is what she did. She decided to play it safe. But what she fails to realize is that she will make the same mistakes that I made in the past, the ones that she cannot get over. Those walls end up isolating us, not protecting. They hurt. And now I hurt. Never again. Never in the history.

Perspective and Abortion

This I guess is my treatise on abortion. This is not an argument about the right or wrong about abortion. It is just a question that no one has ever discussed.

Should the father of the child be notified/made aware of the fact that woman is going to abort his child? I say he should. Not only she he be made aware, he should also have a say. Now some women may get pissed but look at it like this:

If you keep the child, you expect for him to contribute his half to all the necessities, emotional, financial, and otherwise. You want it to be an equal partnership in raising the child. You expect him to be there for the 21 years it takes to raise a child (very few college students are fully independent). Also, the child is half mine. The DNA in my cells contirbuted to half of the child's. If you expect me to do all of this, how dare you exclude me from participating in the decision to terminiate the pregnancy? I feel that if the child is equally ours (which it is genetically and also we have to share half the responisibilities) then I need to be included in that decision.

Women should never think that they should not let the father know about aborting a child. Ethically, that is wrong. It really is. Since it takes to to make a baby, it should take two to make that kind of decision. I know if a woman aborted my child without telling me and I somehow found out, I would leave her. That may bother people but I would. Even if she does not care about my opinion, tell me what you are going to do. Ladies, tell your men, tell them.

An Open Letter To Oprah Winfrey

An Open Letter To Oprah Winfrey

by Saul Williams

Dear Ms. Winfrey,

It is with the greatest respect and adoration of your loving spirit that I write you. As a young child, I would sit beside my mother everyday and watch your program. As a young adult, with children of my own, I spend much less time in front of the television, but I am ever thankful for the positive effect that you continue to have on our nation, history and culture. The example that you have set as someone unafraid to answer their calling, even when the reality of that calling insists that one self-actualize beyond the point of any given example, is humbling, and serves as the cornerstone of the greatest faith. You, love, are a pioneer.

I am a poet.

Growing up in Newburgh, NY, with a father as a minister and a mother as a school teacher, at a time when we fought for our heroes to be nationally recognized, I certainly was exposed to the great names and voices of our past. I took great pride in competing in my churches Black History Quiz Bowl and the countless events my mother organized in hopes of fostering a generation of youth well versed in the greatness as well as the horrors of our history. Yet, even in a household where I had the privilege of personally interacting with some of the most outspoken and courageous luminaries of our times, I must admit that the voices that resonated the most within me and made me want to speak up were those of my peers, and these peers were emcees. Rappers.
.
Yes, Ms. Winfrey, I am what my generation would call "a Hip Hop head." Hip Hop has served as one of the greatest aspects of my self-definition. Lucky for me, I grew up in the 80's when groups like Public Enemy, Rakim, The jungle Brothers, Queen Latifah, and many more realized the power of their voices within the artform and chose to create music aimed at the upliftment of our generation.

As a student at Morehouse College where I studied Philosophy and Drama I was forced to venture across the street to Spelman College for all of my Drama classes, since Morehouse had no theater department of its own. I had few complaints. The performing arts scholarship awarded me by Michael Jackson had promised me a practically free ride to my dream school, which now had opened the doors to another campus that could make even the most focused of young boys dreamy, Spelman. One of my first theater professors, Pearle Cleage, shook me from my adolescent dream state. It was the year that Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" was released and our introduction to Snoop Dogg as he sang catchy hooks like "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks..." Although, it was a playwriting class, what seemed to take precedence was Ms. Cleages political ideology, which had recently been pressed and bound in her 1st book, Mad at Miles. As, you know, in this book she spoke of how she could not listen to the music of Miles Davis and his muted trumpet without hearing the muted screams of the women that he was outspoken about "man-handling". It was my first exposure to the idea of an artist being held accountable for their actions outside of their art. It was the first time I had ever heard the word, "misogyny". And as Ms. Cleage would walk into the classroom fuming over the women she would pass on campus, blasting those Snoop lyrics from their cars and jeeps, we, her students, would be privy to many freestyle rants and raves on the dangers of nodding our heads to a music that could serve as our own demise.

Her words, coupled with the words of the young women I found myself interacting with forever changed how I listened to Hip Hop and quite frankly ruined what would have been a number of good songs for me. I had now been burdened with a level of awareness that made it impossible for me to enjoy what the growing masses were ushering into the mainstream. I was now becoming what many Hip Hop heads would call "a Backpacker", a person who chooses to associate themselves with the more "conscious" or politically astute artists of the Hip Hop community. What we termed as "conscious" Hip Hop became our preference for dance and booming systems. Groups like X-Clan, A Tribe Called Quest, Brand Nubian, Arrested Development, Gangstarr and others became the prevailing music of our circle. We also enjoyed the more playful Hip Hop of De La Soul, Heiroglyphics, Das FX, Organized Konfusion. Digable Planets, The Fugees, and more. We had more than enough positivity to fixate on. Hip Hop was diverse.

I had not yet begun writing poetry. Most of my friends hardly knew that I had been an emcee in high school. I no longer cared to identify myself as an emcee and my love of oratory seemed misplaced at Morehouse where most orators were actually preachers in training, speaking with the Southern drawl of Dr. King although they were 19 and from the North. I spent my time doing countless plays and school performances. I was in line to become what I thought would be the next Robeson, Sidney, Ossie, Denzel, Snipes... It wasn't until I was in graduate school for acting at NYU that I was invited to a poetry reading in Manhattan where I heard Asha Bandele, Sapphire, Carl Hancock Rux, Reggie Gaines, Jessica Care Moore, and many others read poems that sometimes felt like monologues that my newly acquired journal started taking the form of a young poets'. Yet, I still noticed that I was a bit different from these poets who listed names like: Audrey Lourde, June Jordan, Sekou Sundiata etc, when asked why they began to write poetry. I knew that I had been inspired to write because of emcees like Rakim, Chuck D, LL, Run DMC... Hip Hop had informed my love of poetry as much or even more than my theater background which had exposed me to Shakespeare, Baraka, Fugard, Genet, Hansberry and countless others. In those days, just a mere decade ago, I started writing to fill the void between what I was hearing and what I wished I was hearing. It was not enough for me to critique the voices I heard blasting through the walls of my Brooklyn brownstone. I needed to create examples of where Hip Hop, particularly its lyricism, could go. I ventured to poetry readings with my friends and neighbors, Dante Smith (now Mos Def), Talib Kwele, Erycka Badu, Jessica Care Moore, Mums the Schemer, Beau Sia, Suheir Hammad...all poets that frequented the open mics and poetry slams that we commonly saw as "the other direction" when Hip hop reached that fork in the road as you discussed on your show this past week. On your show you asked the question, "Are all rappers poets?" Nice. I wanted to take the opportunity to answer this question for you.

The genius, as far as the marketability, of Hip Hop is in its competitiveness. Its roots are as much in the dignified aspects of our oral tradition as it is in the tradition of "the dozens" or "signifying". In Hip Hop, every emcee is automatically pitted against every other emcee, sort of like characters with super powers in comic books. No one wants to listen to a rapper unless they claim to be the best or the greatest. This sort of braggadocio leads to all sorts of tirades, showdowns, battles, and sometimes even deaths. In all cases, confidence is the ruling card. Because of the competitive stance that all emcees are prone to take, they, like soldiers begin to believe that they can show no sign of vulnerability. Thus, the most popular emcees of our age are often those that claim to be heartless or show no feelings or signs of emotion. The poet, on the other hand, is the one who realizes that their vulnerability is their power. Like you, unafraid to shed tears on countless shows, the poet finds strength in exposing their humanity, their vulnerability, thus making it possible for us to find connection and strength through their work. Many emcees have been poets. But, no, Ms. Winfrey, not all emcees are poets. Many choose gangsterism and business over the emotional terrain through which true artistry will lead. But they are not to blame. I would now like to address your question of leadership.

You may recall that in immediate response to the attacks of September 11th, our president took the national stage to say to the American public and the world that we would "...show no sign of vulnerability". Here is the same word that distinguishes poets from rappers, but in its history, more accurately, women from men. To make such a statement is to align oneself with the ideology that instills in us a sense of vulnerability meaning "weakness". And these meanings all take their place under the heading of what we consciously or subconsciously characterize as traits of the feminine. The weapon of mass destruction is the one that asserts that a holy trinity would be a father, a male child, and a ghost when common sense tells us that the holiest of trinities would be a mother, a father, and a child: Family. The vulnerability that we see as weakness is the saving grace of the drunken driver who because of their drunken/vulnerable state survives the fatal accident that kills the passengers in the approaching vehicle who tighten their grip and show no physical vulnerability in the face of their fear. Vulnerability is also the saving grace of the skate boarder who attempts a trick and remembers to stay loose and not tense during their fall. Likewise, vulnerability has been the saving grace of the African American struggle as we have been whipped, jailed, spat upon, called names, and killed, yet continue to strive forward mostly non-violently towards our highest goals. But today we are at a crossroads, because the institutions that have sold us the crosses we wear around our necks are the most overt in the denigration of women and thus humanity. That is why I write you today, Ms. Winfrey. We cannot address the root of what plagues Hip Hop without addressing the root of what plagues today's society and the world.

You see, Ms. Winfrey, at it's worse; Hip Hop is simply a reflection of the society that birthed it. Our love affair with gangsterism and the denigration of women is not rooted in Hip Hop; rather it is rooted in the very core of our personal faith and religions. The gangsters that rule Hip Hop are the same gangsters that rule our nation. 50 Cent and George Bush have the same birthday (July 6th). For a Hip Hop artist to say "I do what I wanna do/Don't care if I get caught/The DA could play this mothaf@kin tape in court/I'll kill you/ I ain't playin'" epitomizes the confidence and braggadocio we expect an admire from a rapper who claims to represent the lowest denominator. When a world leader with the spirit of a cowboy (the true original gangster of the West: raping, stealing land, and pillaging, as we clapped and cheered.) takes the position of doing what he wants to do, regardless of whether the UN or American public would take him to court, then we have witnessed true gangsterism and violent negligence. Yet, there is nothing more negligent than attempting to address a problem one finds on a branch by censoring the leaves.

Name calling, racist generalizations, sexist perceptions, are all rooted in something much deeper than an uncensored music. Like the rest of the world, I watched footage on AOL of you dancing mindlessly to 50 Cent on your fiftieth birthday as he proclaimed, "I got the ex/if you're into taking drugs/ I'm into having sex/ I ain't into making love" and you looked like you were having a great time. No judgment. I like that song too. Just as I do, James Brown's Sex Machine or Grand Master Flashes "White Lines". Sex, drugs, and rock and roll is how the story goes. Censorship will never solve our problems. It will only foster the sub-cultures of the underground, which inevitably inhabit the mainstream. There is nothing more mainstream than the denigration of women as projected through religious doctrine. Please understand, I am by no means opposing the teachings of Jesus, by example (he wasn't Christian), but rather the men that have used his teachings to control and manipulate the masses. Hip Hop, like Rock and Roll, like the media, and the government, all reflect an idea of power that labels vulnerability as weakness. I can only imagine the non-emotive hardness that you have had to show in order to secure your empire from the grips of those that once stood in your way: the old guard. You reflect our changing times. As time progresses we sometimes outgrow what may have served us along the way. This time, what we have outgrown, is not hip hop, rather it is the festering remnants of a God depicted as an angry and jealous male, by men who were angry and jealous over the minute role that they played in the everyday story of creation. I am sure that you have covered ideas such as these on your show, but we must make a connection before our disconnect proves fatal.

We are a nation at war. What we fail to see is that we are fighting ourselves. There is no true hatred of women in Hip Hop. At the root of our nature we inherently worship the feminine. Our overall attention to the nurturing guidance of our mothers and grandmothers as well as our ideas of what is sexy and beautiful all support this. But when the idea of the feminine is taken out of the idea of what is divine or sacred then that worship becomes objectification. When our governed morality asserts that a woman is either a virgin or a whore, then our understanding of sexuality becomes warped. Note the dangling platinum crosses over the bare asses being smacked in the videos. The emcees of my generation are the ministers of my father's generation. They too had a warped perspective of the feminine. Censoring songs, sermons, or the tirades of radio personalities will change nothing except the format of our discussion. If we are to sincerely address the change we are praying for then we must first address to whom we are praying.

Thank you, Ms. Winfrey, for your forum, your heart, and your vision. May you find the strength and support to bring about the changes you wish to see in ways that do more than perpetuate the myth of enmity.

In loving kindness,

Saul Williams

On This day...

I am on cloud 9 right now. The weather is gorgeous!!! I am loving this warm weather. Classes are going well. My weekend in Pittsburgh was great! The women are out in little shorts and skirts. I see sexy college girls everywhere! What more can I ask for?

I have noticed something. All the good looking college women hibernate. I see them at the beginning of the school year when it is warm and then I do not see them until the spring! Just an observation.

I went down to Pittsburgh to visit my friend Jared. He used to go to college until he failed out basically. I like to visit every now and then just to see how he is doing. We went to Pitt Saturday night and went to a decent party. We kinda got it jumping though. They played some Wayne Wonder and me and Jared set it off. Grabbed the first cute girls we saw and started dancing. Then some dudes started hating but you all know it it is! The Boy Wonder (me) just danced the night away. Sunday I ended up with my roommate with his family. His mom had a birthday dinner and all. It was just a chill and relaxed day.

But I gotta go. I am behind on my senior thesis. I have to have my bibliography and all by tomorrow. I may hit the library, I may go enjoy the weather. Too many choices, not enough time...

Today I am a Hokie

Update on Her

So much love to share
Pure blackness, oneness so rare
So much love to give
Let them know they're missin' out
Mama Africa
Has so much love to share
Sweet blackness, oneness
Meet me there
So much love to give
Let them know they missin' out
Sing again

Akon - Mama Africa

Me and her had our first conversation since January. Well, what happened was that I wrote her a letter saying that our situation was kind of unnecessary and that I hope we can be friends. I just wanted to break the ice and felt the letter was a good way to do it. So Thursday night I see her in the library and we talk. 4 hours. We talked about everything that has happened. She came over, said hello to my younger brother and we had a long talk. I guess we are going to try and be friends. I hope we can actually do that.

My brother was with me all week since Good Friday. He left yesterday. I hope he enjoyed his visit. It was rough at the beginning. He really does not take well to strangers. So he had a Baltimore mug on for the first few days. But he warmed up and had fun. I hope he comes back again. I also hope it is warm when he does. Hahahaha!!

I love that Akon song, "Mama Africa". That is my joint!! Listen to it. It really makes you want to go to Africa. I hear it, close my eyes, and I imagine myself there.

Poetry Videos

Here is some videos of me doing poetry

This me doing a piece called "I Apologize" It came from Def Poetry Jam
Me Performing "I Apologize"

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This is me doing my piece called "What Used To Be". This about a former lover
What Used To Be

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This last one is called "Simply Beautiful". I wrote this one.
Simply Beautiful

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My Date and Easter Weekend

I know you all are curious as to how my "night" went. It was interesting.


So the girl came over. Her name is "Dobbie"She used to go here but she graduated. So she came over and we drove to the grocery store. We picked up all the ingredients. She paid for all the groceries!! I was surprised. I was willing to split it but she insisted on paying for it. I am broke so I am not too mad at all. When then went home and prepped dinner

This part was interesting. While cooking dinner and all, we danced and drank wine. She kept on feeding me glasses of wine and I got drunk before we even ate. I had not eaten all day and she kept giving me drinks. I told her I am a lightweight and she said she did not care. Yeah, so I was embarrassed. I did not do anything too stupid. I just felt stupid for getting drunk. My manhood told me I should be able to hold my liquor. I can't.

So we ate dinner and then we relaxed. We just talked. She said she is not looking for a relationship. It kinda put me on cold because I know she is the kind of girl I could end up getting attached to. There are girls I can just kick it with and be cool but I can't do that with her. So we talked while watching South Park. It was just really relaxed. I am going to be careful with my feelings around her. But it went well. She left and I had a very "I-dont-give-a-fuck" attitude. I am serious. She left and I said I dont care what happens between us. I enjoyed being around her but it felt strange to have that reaction.

It is Easter Break now. We had Friday and this upcoming Monday off. I have drank a lot this weekend. I was drunk Thursday and Saturday and I drank Friday, This is not my normal behavior. Now the 2 times I was drunk, I went to sleep sober. I guess its ok because I drink rarely so it does not matter. I have been partying it up and I have been careful but I enjoyed myself. Its all good.

Reasons To Be Happy

I am cheesing right now!!

1. My little brother is visiting me this Friday. My younger brother is coming up Good Friday and is staying for a week with me. I am sooooooo excited!! I miss his punk ass. I know he cant wait. He is 15 so I guess he looks up to me. He calls em talking about I need to find him a college girl. He does not want to sleep by himself, he needs a cuddle buddy! Hahahahaha!! He thinks he is me!!! But I cannot wait for him to get here. He is not doing well in school but I hope him being here motivates him to do better.

2. I have a date Thursday!! This has me really excited also. It is with this girl whom I have had a crush on since my sophmore year here at college. She is beautiful. Her personality is nice. She is one of the sweetest people I have met at college. We were in Latin class together last year and I used to tutor her. I cannot stop smiling when I am around her.

She called me out of the blue yesterday. We talked and she said she wanted to hang out. Now normally people say that but there is no follow up. But she really pushed it. She asked about my schedule and all. So Thursday she is coming over and we are cooking dinner together. I cannot wait!! I was so excited after she called that I did a little dance and everything.I am on cloud 9!!

3. The weather here is improving!! It is warm today and I am loving it. Plus I look good, smell good. Basically, I am the man and you all know it!!!!

I love being happy

Children See, Children Do

Here We Go

This weekend was a whole lot of fun

Friday:
I had a Caribbean Party at my place. It was a whole lot of fun. I had the soca, reggae, dancehall blasting. My Jamaican friends came over. Nick from the BVI came through. Sherette from Trini even came over. Even the Hondurans showed up. Here are some pics































































I cannot wait to do it again!!!!

Saturday:
I went to the dollar theater and saw Stomp The Yard. I liked it. The dance sequences were tight. The plot was kind of cliche but it was definitely the hotness. Then I hung out all night. I got into a lil situation with a female but other than that it was a good night.

Sunday:
HOMEWORK HOMEWORK HOMEWORK. College just needs to realize I have a social life.

No KY Jelly

I just got out of this meeting and I will explain why.

I am the vice president of the Radio Club. This means I take a lot of heat when things go wrong. Our station is shitty. There is no other way to describe it. It is super super bootleg. Like we use rotary phone dials for our volume.

Well, this is the first year there is a student radio station. Never on my campus has there been one. And my colleagues and I have never ever ever ever ran a radio station so we are winging this. But we have had a shitload of problems.
1. Our one advisor, Bill, is being difficult. He gives us a hard way to go. He is not supportive. He does lil sneaky shit like telling the IT department to not give us a server. Then he blames it on IT. I am about to choke a bitch up in here.
2. Because of the above, our members are getting discouraged. We have very few listeners and our DJs are not happy at all. So we are starting to lose people. We still have around 15 people but that is lower than what we used to have.
3. Our signal is weak due to some FCC shit. This means that our whole campus does not even get the radio station. Our advisor is being a dick and is not even trying to assist so we can get FCC approved.

So basically, our advisor has been putting it in without any KY

So during this meeting with our advisor's boss, he did his little song and dance and had mesmerized his boss. He was talking that jive, that " I love and support you all through whatever you do" bullshit. His boss was real with us and told us about this initiative involving our campus and the other satellite campuses. So now we are going to our student government. We have no other choice. We need to make sure this initiative to get this hi-def radio stuff goes through otherwise we are screwed.

An Icebox Where My Apartment Used To Be

It is freezing in Erie PA right now!! I mean butter f*ucking cold!! The wind is blowing. I feel like I am in Siberia. Someone save me! Shouldn't it be warm now?? Can we stop getting snow?? Can I see the sunshine sometime soon. I am hating this ish.

I realy do not have much to say. I am well. My morning class was cancelled so I am happy. My 12:30 class got out early so today has been slow. Now I am eating oatmeal and I may go work out around 2:30. Until next time...

Let Me Tell You

This week has definitely been an interesting one

Monday: I missed my 9:30am class. The night before I went to a strip club and was exhausted when I woke up. I just could not get up. Then I went to my Dance Appreciation class. I love that class. I think it is because my professor. Solvieg has sooooooooo much positive energy. She makes you interested in dance. Afterwards I go to dinner with the Vybez Fam (that is what me, Nick, and my homegirl Mari call ourselves for our Caribbean radio show). Then at 8 I go to boxing practice. I come home, do some reading and thats it.

Tuesday: I go to my 10am Latin class. There is this girl in my class I cannot stand. I mean I wish I could just drop her on her face. She is just rude, no home training. She text messages all class long. She complains the entire time. She disrespects our professor. I just wish she would shut the fuck up. This girl even disrespects her boyfriend in front of our entire class. He just needs to grow a pair. I go back and go to sleep. I then do some reading and just mill around for the rest of the day. Oh yeah. I had work so I do that

Wednesday. I had my 9:30 class. This class is killing me. I cannot keep doing this but I have to. I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). The link can give you more info. I try to combat this by taking classes later in the day. What this does is allow me more to time to actually feel awake. For example, when I had an 11am class I would wake up at 9. This gave me 2 hours to feel a bit more energetic. But this early class is not helping. Its as if no matter how early I go to sleep, I feel lethargic. It takes me longer to wake up than most people. So my doctor recommends that I take later classes to allow myself to wake up. The only problem is that I had to take this class and it is only offered at that time. So I am going to do well in this class no matter what. I may have to come up with a new strategy or something. I will figure it out.

But Wednesday night was interesting. I went to this club with a girl named Miranda. She is 22 and she was in a class of mine fall term. She is definitely attractive. I like her style. So went to this spot called Peccadilos for college night since I am not 21 yet. We dance and everything. Overall we enjoyed ourselves. There were several times she wanted me to kiss her but I did not. This was our first time out and I did not want to push it too far. We did have fun though. We may hang out tonight, depending on what these other women I am sort of seeing are up to. I have to balance and give them equal time.

Thursday: I struggled to get to my 10am class because I went out the night before. I tried my best to ignore te annoying chick in my Latin class. I dragged my ass to work. Then I went to dinner and boxing practice. I just chilled and did some reading fow a while. I went to grab a bite to eat and met this girl named Caitlin. She is a freshman but she looks good. She also has a boyfriend. But we played pool and I showed her how to shoot properly. There was some flirting and all going on. One of my residents who was there noticed. She may come over this weekend. She told me to call her. I sure will.