Thursday, August 31, 2006

Letter To My Father

Dear Dad,

I really am having trouble writing this for you. I have never even met you before. I mean, I was a baby the last time I saw you. So what do I call you; dad, father, pops?? What is appropriate?? I have never had the chance to even use that title for any man in my life.

I guess I should say this first. I do not hate you. You may not have been here for my childhood but I do not hate you. I do not resent the fact that you were not here. I don't understand why you were gone but I do not hold it against you. I hope that that is not a reason for you not seeing me. Seriously, I would love to get the chance to meet you. I feel as if I do not even know half of me. I don't. I may have siblings and grandparents and aunts and uncles that I don't even know exist. I just want a chance to meet you. I want a chance to know my father. I want a chance to know me. I want to meet the man my mother never disrespected in front of me. I just want one opportunity to meet the man whose name I carry on. (I still use Jr).

I am in college now. I am a junior. I have made this journey successfully so far because of the hard work and effort I put into. I have had help but I have done this mostly by myself. No one graduated high school for me. No one goes to class for me. No one takes my tests or writes my papers. I do all that. I wish you were here to see the fruits of my labor.
you coulda move

I wish you were in my life. I wish you coulda seen me walk. I wish you coulda heard my first words. I wish you woulda taught me to ride a bike. I wish you coulda seen my first day of school. Or talked to me about my first kiss. I wish we could have talked about sex and girls. Or you were there for graduation. I wish you woulda dropped me off at college. Or been there when my Aunt Carolyn died. You missed a lot. You really did. But I dont hate you.

I hope to one day meet you. I need to meet you. I feel as if I am half the man I could be without you. You are my father. Even though I am 19, I still need you. I need you now more than ever.


Your son, Gary Jr.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Life of an RA

Some chick woke me up at 8am because she locked herself out. Damn!!! Bit its ok. Its all a part of the job.

My roommates are here and I am soooooooooooo happy. I mean I hated being in my apartment by myself. It was cool but I had no one to talk to. My roommates "stole" another couch from a lounge in the basement and I kinda looked the other way. I mean I hope we just dont get in trouble for it. Our apartment is nice. We have definitely made it look like a little home. Thanx to my roommate Kevin's girlfriend, it stays pretty clean. She keeps on top of us about keeping it neat.

I am just looking forward to the school year and all. It will be great.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Back on Top of My Game

Any pessimists I ain't talked to them,
Plus, I ain't have no phone in my apartment.
Let's take 'em back to the club.
Least about an hour I would stand on line,
I just wanted to dance.
I went to Jacob an hour after I got my advance.
I just wanted to shine.
Jay's favorite line: "Dog, in due time"
Now he look at me, like "Damn, dog, you where I am"
A hip hop legend.
I think I died in an accident, cause this must be heaven.

Kanye West - Touch The Sky

Hey Blogger fam!! I am baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!! I had to take week long hiatus. Life has been very hectic for me so let me update you all.

I am back at school now for RA training. I work for "The Establishment"!! Who would have thought that the guy who spent more time ducking RAs would become one? I have been up here at school since last Sunday. Training has been very busy. We have all kinds of lectures and presentations to deal with any array of things that may come up. It really keeps ne busy. But I like it though. I really think I can this RA thing well. My building theme is called "The Grammy Family" Each apartment is going to be a different winner from the most recent Grammy Awards. My building is goign to be tight. I also like the people on my RA team. They are all cool. It helps that I used to room with one, and two others were my former RA.But I like my team, almost too much. There are some fine awomen there I am constantly flirting with them all. Even the one with the boyfriend has caught a flirtatious comment or two (and she is the sexiest of them all to me with them thick thighs of hers. She is white girl kinda built like a sista. The white dudes dont know what they have ;) The Asian girl on my team let it be known that she likes dark meat BUT I dont think that it helped that I told her I knew she was Korean because Koreans own all the stores in my neighborhood. Oh well. But I am soooooooooooo happy to be back at school. I definitely needed to get out my house and be more productive.

I found my strength during RA training. I do the scenarios dealing with sexual assualt very very well. The women who pretended to be sexually assaulted said I had a way of making them want to talk to me (one of the women who said that was the sexy girl on my RA team). One girl said if I talked to her in real life, I could get her to tell me anything I wanted, even if it wasnt related to the scenario. I think she was trying to holler. But I was surprised that the sexual assualt scenarios were my strong points. You would think that being male would make a victim uncomfortable. I guess not.

I feel on top of my game. My mood is up, my spirits are buoyed. I feel marvelous. I feel as if I can handle any situation. As if I have been through the fire. I have not talk to my ex for about a week (Im gonna stop calling her
"her" and just keep it real. She is my ex). I have not got to calling her. I have had time but I have chosen to not talk to her. If she wants to talk to me, she can hit me up. I have my cell phone now. But I refuse to let her dictate how I feel. I refuse to let her beat me up with the fact that I left. I may have left and made a mistake but now I am trying to atone for that mistake. Shou should have been there supporting me instead of trying to hurt me with that. So now I have taken back my emotions. I choose how I feel. No one can make feel anything I dont want to feel. I love her and I wish we could get back together but I am just not gonna put up with it.

I am getting used to being single. Fo a while I couldnt not call her my ex. Now I can. Everyday I habdle being by myself a lil better than the day before. I just take this single thing day by day. I am doing really well.

I realize something: I dont have a mentor. I dont have a male figure that I can talk to. No one I can look up to. I dont have that guy that I go to whenever I have problems. I have older male role models but not anyone who I would feel comfortable talking to about my personal problems. They are too old for me to really relate to. I can tell my mother these things but she doesnt get them at times. I have to find me a mentor.Just a Black male in my life who can be supportive but let grown into my own. That male bond has been missing in my life.

But now, I feel on top. I am gonna touch the sky.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Life Is A Bitch

Listening To:
Lenny Williams - 'Cause I Love You

Before I start, Humanity Critiv, I am using your sense of humor. I am sorry but it fits all to well. This means I may be offensive to many people. I apologize in advance

Yesterday was the worse day ever. I can really say that because it is true. I mean it couldnt get any worse than what it was. If I had prayed to God and said, "Please give me a the shittiest day possible" I would not have gotten the day that I had. Let me tell you......

I wake up to the sound of the news reporter talking about an attempted terrorist attack on a plane. All I could think is "oh shit. Sunday is gonna be a bitch trying to return to school. Why couldnt the terrorist hold on until after I made it to school. Keep your damn turbans on!!" Only if I knew this was only the beginning of my troubles. So I scramble to figure out when I need to get ready and to make sure my flight has not changed. I also am still trying to find a ride from the airport to the school.

I get online to read the news and check email. I get an IM from her. If you dont know who her is, then read this entry.

She tells me that a girl emailed her with convos that me and this chick supposedly had. This chick had found me on myspace and somehow has my screenname. So we chatted because I am too nice. Now what she said we chatted about was made up. There was some info in these convos I dont give to people. I am nice but not gullible. So this stalker bitch (I mean this in every evil negative connotation that has ever been created by mankind) creates some shit, gets her name, address, screenname, and email address some how. So her is omega-chi-phi pissed because we are suppose to be trying to get back together (Cant a brother get a piece from someone since we aint together?? Thats a whole 'nother issue). So I am angry. I mean pissed. I feel as if my privacy has been raped. I deleted all my college friends off myspace. If you currently go to my school, then I removed them. This is because Stalker-Bitch got the info from a supposed friend of mine. Well that friend better hope I dont find out who it is. Because Ima put the hands on someone for crossing me. If its a female, then Ima call some chicks I know to ride up to Erie. And these arent the most classiest people I roll with.

And I know how it is gonna go down. Her is gonna believe what stalker-bitch said and I am gonna come out the loser. So I talk to her and she is mad because she doesn't know the chick.

I go get ready to leave because I go out with a friend to dinner. On my way, I get hemmed up by the police. See, I suffer from a disease. It is called Black-male-itis. Being a drak complected person with a penis means that I have committed past crimes that I haven't been caught for and thus I deserve to eat concrete. So I am forced on the ground to eat concrete because I fit the profile:
Black male; 3feet to 8 feet tall; 50-900 pounds; has either cornrows, locks, short hair cut, or bald or any hair style imaginable, light skin to Crayola black complexion
So after that, I am on the light rail. The bomb squad stops the train and brings a dog aboard. Well seeing that my day has already gone so beautifully, the gargoyle-breath having dog almost eats my face. So audience, what does that mean???? I get taken off the train by 4 officers and questioned. I then get taken into a nearby building and searched. Then they let me go.

Dinner went well. Wow. Yipppeee-kai-yay mutherfucker.

I return home and Stalker-Bitch IMs me. I proceed to spazz out with the authority of God!! I mean this chick caught the brunt of it. It didnt help she tried to play dumb. Then she proceeds to tell me she was doing her a favor. I really lost it. Then I called her. Long story short, we probably are not going to work things out and she refuses to talk to me. So now I have sworn off dealing with women. This does not mean that I have forever forsaken women, but I need a break. I mean I cant get shit!! I try to not chase, I catch hell. When I chase women I catch hell. Who would have thought that the time I tell a female no, she destroys everything I work so hard for.

So now I am at home listening to Lenny Williams. Wow, I cannot wait to get back to college. Can it get any worse???

Monday, August 07, 2006

Poetry For You

What is this?
This is now.
This is the ever-present now.
The past was yesterday’s now and the future is the now of tomorrow.
Every moment we live in is now.
Each now is filled with possibilities
This now determines the next now.
So now is precious.
No now can be wasted.
So use each and every now to its full potential.
Morph and mold the future into the perfect vision of what you want now to be.
So that when you wake up you can say,
“ This is it how it is, forever and now. Amen”.

This Is Now

Written by epsilonicus
Inspired by Andrew Erickson

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Welcome To My Life

Stream of thought here I come:

I hope "she" takes me back. For a week and a half I have been fighting my way back to her. It is definitely all worth it.

How come I never go to sleep before 1am??

Me and "K" havent hung out in a minute. She carried it ignorantly with me at one point and almost caught a cuss out. I pulled her up and she played stupid. She better get it together.

I have a headache from drinking so much alcohol Saturday night. Drinking Corona, wine, tequila, Southern Comfort, vodka, and beer all in one nite isnt good for anyone's health.

Why do young females try to holler at me?? Can they not tell that I am too damn old for them??

It makes me sad how out of shape that I am in. It really does.

I have a new doctor and I like him. I mean he is a cool dude. He keeps it real with me and I like that.

I miss being at school so much. I feel like a waste of a sperm and an egg sitting in Baltimore not working. School at least provides me some sort of busy work. I also miss my roommate Kevin and a bunch of other people.

I need sex.

Thanx for listening.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

this is an audio post - click to play