While Doing Nothing At My Desk

• I just saw a photo of Her on Facebook this morning. Not even going to front, she looks good. Very good. I was struck speechless when I saw her photo. Her and I are not even on speaking terms. She would not even piss on fire to put me out. Given the opportunity, she would slit my throat in my sleep. But she still looked fly nonetheless

• This new person who works in my office walks like a model. When she walked down the hall,the first thing I thought was "Project Runway". Her posture is very model-esque.

• I need to do these damn taxes. I keep putting it off but they need to get done. I need some cash

• I have switched my bank account from Bank of America to a credit union. NO MORE FEES!

• I am considering doing a side business for financial management. For the past year I have been doing tons of research about it. I find financial management interesting even though I hate math. I may do it. I think I should ask around and see.

What I Found

Just wanted to leave you a message seen as how I have nothing better to do, and it has always been easier to talk to you in these types of fashion rather than just look you in the face and say it. By the way, something was wrong with me…Justin all of a sudden found me on facebook and I guess it just bothered me because I thought I had taken care of that ahead of time. I guess it was all just a little too easy how things worked out between us and how I was able to just drop him off from my list of people that were important in my life. Oh well, other than that I can’t really explain what is wrong with me…I just seem to have this sad disposition and can’t seem to shake it. Who knows…maybe I am really just losing my mind. I am sure you are enjoying yourself though and that is the way it should be…just because I am sad does not mean that I need to put that off on other people. And after you read this I am sure you will be tempted to call me, or instant message me, but there is no need for such things (and yes, I am probably talking out of my ass).

I don’t know…maybe I just need a hug, or maybe I need something more than that. All of a sudden I just feel like bursting into tears, or better yet telling the world that I need you and love you. Kind of like I have let something be put away when it shouldn’t have and now my mind is like, “Ok, time to deal with this now!” But as time goes on I am sure I need to stop typing this message to you and just go unpack some random boxes that are left on the floor. Before I go though I do need to say that I thought about what you said. The whole thing about how you could get used to this and have it for a long time, and I started to wonder what you meant by that. Was it more that you could get used to my kisses being there, or more being there…like a long-term thing. I don’t know…I get so scared that I might lose you for some reason. Maybe not so much right now at this very minute, but sometime later. More like a situation that you and I couldn’t control. I know I shouldn’t let these things stop me from just enjoying the time I have with you, and it isn’t, but that doesn’t keep me from thinking about it. I guess it is a little different when you really love someone and you couldn’t imagine your life being even close to same thing without that person. I mean no questions asked I know that I would fight to keep you in my life and do most anything for you…of course being realistic in saying that. But I finally I am sure of myself that I love you and am in love with you…I mean everything though. The way you laugh, the way you smile in uneasiness when I would flirt with you, the way you kiss me, the way you miss me, the way that you can never stay awake on the phone even though you almost kill yourself in trying, and most of all the way that you love me. But it isn’t just the things that are good that I love about you…I love when you get angry with me because it shows that you are your own person. I love how you are stubborn and determined through the hardest of things…even if you are wrong. Maybe I am feeling down right now is because I am afraid of so many things because I don’t truly think that I have been in love with someone before you…maybe Lester…but that is still questionable. I am sooooo scared of so many things…like losing you, like fucking up, like opening up…just a lot of shit. It seems like every time I have something good it slips away from me and I cannot help but think I had a hand in it…The true question that I need to answer for myself now is where do I go from here? I guess this is my cry for help…I really think I just need some comforting right now…For once I need you to really live up to your words and be here for me when no one else has…you always have been…and I hope you always will for future times to come…

I found this on my computer while looking for an archaeology paper. It was a note written by her. I read this and it really really hit me. I was stuck on stupid for second. I re-read the note above and I instantly went back to the moment.

I went back to those moments of sadness and despair. I went back to her never wanting to go out. I remember nights when she would cry and all I could do is hold her. I remember her sayung she had no friends and that people did not love her.

Yet I also remember some good. I remember the rawness with which I loved her. It was a strong addictive feeling. Every kiss was akin to taking a hit of blow. It sent tingles down the spine. Holding her left me feeling content. There were times that I felt it would never end

Yet I miss that. I miss that feeling. I just dont want it to be with her. The reason was that I forced myself to feel that last one. I felt all the rest of it yet I forced myself to feel like I wanted it forever. I dope-fiended myself into try to fit into her vision of what I felt the future should have been. She had an idea and I tried to force it into being. This left me feeling pressured to do something I really did not want to do. Throw in the stress of her depression and it was a mess.

I do want to feel that strongly. I want the strong feelings that I felt with her. I really do. But I am not going to force myself to fit anyone's future. That was what went wrong the first time. I cannot make the same mistake twice.

Letter To Myself

Dear Eps,

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU DUDE?!?!?!?!? You are off the hook. Seriously, you have been on the wild side for the past trimester. You party every weekend. Every. You may not necessarily drink but you always throwing a party. You stay up late all the time. Sleep is not something you do often. You are deranged.

You have had "relations" with some of your residents. You made out with one. The one which has a boyfriend. I know you do not care. I know it is not your problem. But you know she is going through some emotions about it. I mean she stays in your face all the time but still. Just say no. Just say no. The other lost her virginity to you. And you just had to oblige her. Again, she may have started but you could not say no. These actions can destroy friendships. You are being so selfish. You aint really thinking about no one else. Get it together! Get it together!

You have also isolated one of your roommates. You know has some issues that he will not discuss. You know he is not at that point in his life where he can just man up and bring issues up to you. Your ass should have just walked up and said something. Instead, you just ignore him. You may say hi and all but you just dont worry about his needs. Selfish man, selfish.

You would not be so wild if you listened to me. I mean I tell what is good for you, not what feels good. There is a reason you should avoid doing stuff with your residents. You should not isolate your roommate. Dude, you are changing, you really are. Just think, do you like those changes?? Do those you love like those changes??

Now to her. You know her has some hang ups. She was on some straight jealous when she heard that you and a resident hooked up. I really do not know why you even talk to her. She tries to play games and but you still talk to her. I know you love her. It is hard not to love her. But leave her be. Her has hurt you. She really did. But you keep her around. This chick is a like a drug. That high feels good but you know that coming off it is gonna be a bitch. Just be careful. As much of a player you think you are, you are still capable of being hurt.

At least your grades have not suffered. You did well. So there are no complaints. But take a look at your life. We dont need to go down certain roads. We really dont

Cordially,

Your Conscience

Update on Her

So much love to share
Pure blackness, oneness so rare
So much love to give
Let them know they're missin' out
Mama Africa
Has so much love to share
Sweet blackness, oneness
Meet me there
So much love to give
Let them know they missin' out
Sing again

Akon - Mama Africa

Me and her had our first conversation since January. Well, what happened was that I wrote her a letter saying that our situation was kind of unnecessary and that I hope we can be friends. I just wanted to break the ice and felt the letter was a good way to do it. So Thursday night I see her in the library and we talk. 4 hours. We talked about everything that has happened. She came over, said hello to my younger brother and we had a long talk. I guess we are going to try and be friends. I hope we can actually do that.

My brother was with me all week since Good Friday. He left yesterday. I hope he enjoyed his visit. It was rough at the beginning. He really does not take well to strangers. So he had a Baltimore mug on for the first few days. But he warmed up and had fun. I hope he comes back again. I also hope it is warm when he does. Hahahaha!!

I love that Akon song, "Mama Africa". That is my joint!! Listen to it. It really makes you want to go to Africa. I hear it, close my eyes, and I imagine myself there.

Outta My System

If you love something, let it go,
and if it comes back then that's how you know.
I got to the stop light then I made four rights.
Now I'm back where I started,
and you're back in my life.
The further I go, the closer I get back to you.
I say I moved on,
Til' I'm reminded of you.
Can somebody help me?
Help me get out of this circle
Marques Houston - Circle

Im too attached
My heart won't let me fall back
I got it bad
Thats what you can call that (ah)
And when I see you on the streets
Thats the worst for me
Use to love the little things you did
Thats what works for me
Its too major
Dont see you in my pager
Know What you doing?
Where you at?
Or Can I see you later?
The fellas telling me
Just let her go Bow
Believe me Im trying man
I just dont know how
Bow Wow - Outta My System

I miss her!!! I really do. This week has been rough on that account. I woke up craving her next to me. I want her to kiss me. I crave her touch. I desire her conversation. Like Usher said, I got it bad. All I have been doing is listening to love songs. Its weird. I am hanging out with with other girls and I still think about her. I mean, I like the two girls and I ma interested in seeing where it goes but I still think about her. I just cannot help it. I find myself wanting to call her. I want to know if she feels the way I do. I miss her. Like Raheem DeVaughn said:

I need you like I need you. And IIIIIIII wanna love you like I want to. Baby I love you, I love you, i love you baaaaaaby!!

Face The Music

Listening To:
Donell Jones - Where I Wanna Be

I said I left my baby girl a message
Sayin I wont be coming home
Id rather be alone
She doesnt fully understand me
That Id rather leave than to chill
If she gives me some time
I can be the man she needs
But theres a lot of lust inside of me
And weve been together since our teenage years
I really dont mean to hurt her, but I need some time
To be alone

But when you love someone
You just dont treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
Shes crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
I just need time to see
Where I wanna be
Where I wanna be...

Never did I imagine
That you would play a major part
In a decision thats so hard
Do I leave, do I stay, do I go?
I think about my life and what matters to me the most
Girl, the love that we share is real
But in time your heart will heal
Im not saying Im gone
But I have to find what life is like
Without you


I almost wrote her a letter today. I woke up thinking about how much I miss her.

I have been been thinking about her for a while. We stopped talking to each other suddenly. We claimed we were gonna try and make it work. We were gonna just try nad work on getting along again before we try being back in a relationship. It seemed like a good idea. So I tried to hang out with her and she gave me the cold shoulder. I took that as a slap to us working things out. How we gonna work things out when you won't even be around me. So we stopped talking about 2 weeks ago. She did not even call me on my birthday. My crazy ass ex-girlfriend from high school called me (the ex from high did not even have my number but she called people for it). I appreciated that but I wanted her to call me. That was the most important person who could have called me (other than family).

But I woke up thinking about her, like I do everyday. She is the first and last on my mind. I then said to myself " since she wont even look at you, write a letter and put it in her mailbox" I thought it was a good idea. I get to class and then I see her on my way. So I enter the building another way because she did not see me. As class is going on, I am writing the letter, still debating whether or not to give it to her. I do not finish it before class ends. So her and I are left alone once everyone leaves. She does not even look at me or notice that I exist.

It was then that I faced the music. There is no hope for us. I kinda ruined that. Well, its not kinda, I just did ruin it. I made a decision to leave so now I must eat that decision and face the consequences. I may not like the consequences of my actions but I have to deal with them.

I just dont like the consequence for this one: being without the person I love.

Let's Cut The Bullshit

Lately I have been fronting as if everything is going perfectly fine. Well it is not.

I just did not want to admit what was going down. I felt that if I cannot admit it to myself, how can I admit it to my blogger fam. So I went on like nothing was wrong. Plus the male stubborness kicked in too.

So me and the girlfriend ended it last night. I can say that this was my fault. I have some real commitment issues. After being with one person for a while, I start to get that feeling that I need to leave. It always starts out small and then it continues to grow until I start becoming emotionally distant. I had to end it though. I could not keep doing this to her. It was just wrong.

So now I miss her like crazy. I have bumpin Toni Braxton "Another Sad Love Song". I just feel like doo doo without my other half.