What I Found

Just wanted to leave you a message seen as how I have nothing better to do, and it has always been easier to talk to you in these types of fashion rather than just look you in the face and say it. By the way, something was wrong with me…Justin all of a sudden found me on facebook and I guess it just bothered me because I thought I had taken care of that ahead of time. I guess it was all just a little too easy how things worked out between us and how I was able to just drop him off from my list of people that were important in my life. Oh well, other than that I can’t really explain what is wrong with me…I just seem to have this sad disposition and can’t seem to shake it. Who knows…maybe I am really just losing my mind. I am sure you are enjoying yourself though and that is the way it should be…just because I am sad does not mean that I need to put that off on other people. And after you read this I am sure you will be tempted to call me, or instant message me, but there is no need for such things (and yes, I am probably talking out of my ass).

I don’t know…maybe I just need a hug, or maybe I need something more than that. All of a sudden I just feel like bursting into tears, or better yet telling the world that I need you and love you. Kind of like I have let something be put away when it shouldn’t have and now my mind is like, “Ok, time to deal with this now!” But as time goes on I am sure I need to stop typing this message to you and just go unpack some random boxes that are left on the floor. Before I go though I do need to say that I thought about what you said. The whole thing about how you could get used to this and have it for a long time, and I started to wonder what you meant by that. Was it more that you could get used to my kisses being there, or more being there…like a long-term thing. I don’t know…I get so scared that I might lose you for some reason. Maybe not so much right now at this very minute, but sometime later. More like a situation that you and I couldn’t control. I know I shouldn’t let these things stop me from just enjoying the time I have with you, and it isn’t, but that doesn’t keep me from thinking about it. I guess it is a little different when you really love someone and you couldn’t imagine your life being even close to same thing without that person. I mean no questions asked I know that I would fight to keep you in my life and do most anything for you…of course being realistic in saying that. But I finally I am sure of myself that I love you and am in love with you…I mean everything though. The way you laugh, the way you smile in uneasiness when I would flirt with you, the way you kiss me, the way you miss me, the way that you can never stay awake on the phone even though you almost kill yourself in trying, and most of all the way that you love me. But it isn’t just the things that are good that I love about you…I love when you get angry with me because it shows that you are your own person. I love how you are stubborn and determined through the hardest of things…even if you are wrong. Maybe I am feeling down right now is because I am afraid of so many things because I don’t truly think that I have been in love with someone before you…maybe Lester…but that is still questionable. I am sooooo scared of so many things…like losing you, like fucking up, like opening up…just a lot of shit. It seems like every time I have something good it slips away from me and I cannot help but think I had a hand in it…The true question that I need to answer for myself now is where do I go from here? I guess this is my cry for help…I really think I just need some comforting right now…For once I need you to really live up to your words and be here for me when no one else has…you always have been…and I hope you always will for future times to come…

I found this on my computer while looking for an archaeology paper. It was a note written by her. I read this and it really really hit me. I was stuck on stupid for second. I re-read the note above and I instantly went back to the moment.

I went back to those moments of sadness and despair. I went back to her never wanting to go out. I remember nights when she would cry and all I could do is hold her. I remember her sayung she had no friends and that people did not love her.

Yet I also remember some good. I remember the rawness with which I loved her. It was a strong addictive feeling. Every kiss was akin to taking a hit of blow. It sent tingles down the spine. Holding her left me feeling content. There were times that I felt it would never end

Yet I miss that. I miss that feeling. I just dont want it to be with her. The reason was that I forced myself to feel that last one. I felt all the rest of it yet I forced myself to feel like I wanted it forever. I dope-fiended myself into try to fit into her vision of what I felt the future should have been. She had an idea and I tried to force it into being. This left me feeling pressured to do something I really did not want to do. Throw in the stress of her depression and it was a mess.

I do want to feel that strongly. I want the strong feelings that I felt with her. I really do. But I am not going to force myself to fit anyone's future. That was what went wrong the first time. I cannot make the same mistake twice.