My future

I have been thinking a lot about my future. I am a Black college student who is still trying to decide about what I will do. I know I want to be an archaeologist. I just am afraid I will hate it. I have been thinking this but it was really brought home one day while at work. Here is the situation:

I am in the lab working and I say, "I hate this job. It is insulting to my intelligence. Once I get my degree, I am never doing this dumb shit." (We were cleaning "lithics aka debitage from stone tools. I call it scrubbing rocks
Someone comes along and says, " Well, all that archaeologists do is this."

I heard this and I got a little worried. You mean to tell me that essentially $100,000 is being spent (it may not be my money but it is still a waste.) so i can do the same menial, intelligence-insulting work I am doing now. I have decided that if I become disillusioned with my field, I will teach. Here comes another situation:

" I am going to teach", I say.
"That is a waste of your degree", my "friend" Melissa says.

I dont understand this logic. Is it such waste to become a teacher? No!! What is a waste is to get a degree to do the same bullshit I am doing now. That is a waste!!! I am not settling to do lab work. I actually refuse to do it. My experience with it has sucked. Nothing I do in that lab is actually important and you dont need a college education to do what any of us are doing. I am going to focus on the field, actually being at the sites. I feel I can make my career whatever I want. People can settle for less but I wont. I refuse to settle for it. I dont settle for less.

New Poem

Why I’m The Greatest Poet

Now you kno what happens when I write rhymes.
These lines move you through space and time
These are the word that make people listen
To the sounds that twinkle and glisten
I recite poems with an urgency because I’m on a mission.
They appear in my mind like a prophet with a vision
I put pen to pad
And write so furious like a rapper gone mad
People like the rhymes so much that if I don’t recite they become sad.
When people do hear though, they say “It is absurd.
The way son flips them adjectives, nouns, and verbs.”
I know the words are way smoother than Medora’s curves
Moving to the rhythm of a jazz verve.
Deep words that strike an exposed nerve
Or puerile lines that expose the inner perv.
I’m a lyrical assassin that shot down wack poets
Because they lack passion
Or a sense of verbal fashion
They cannot dress words in semantics.
Or compose decent poems that make sense.
Hearing poems by wack poets drive dense
You better acknowledge; truth is word
I am the greatest poet you have ever heard.

I am experimenting with a more spoken-word format. I figure I would challenge myself. What do you think???

Roommates

Is it wrong to have such an instinctual urge to slap the shit out of my roommates?? I do not think it is wrong. Someone better pray for him because the next time he eats my food and complains when someone asks him to share, I will beat his ass like he owes me money.

Fall Break

It is Fall Break and it is lovely. I have the aprtment to myself. This means it is peaceful and quiet. I love my roommmates and all but there are times when you want to be alone. It is hard to get that time when there are 4 people sharing an apartment. I hope this 4-day break goes well. I say this because you never know how these things may go. Something could happen and it can ruin your whole break; i.e the girlfriend being upset. So far, it is going good so I cannot complain.I am about to go. I promise next time to add some poetry. I just have not had the inspiration to write. Now, I fell like I may have it. Until next time, peace and hair grease.

Aunt Jackie

Today three years ago my Aunt Jackie died. The affect that her death has on me is enormous. I think about her everyday no matter what. Life is just not the same since she died.

I always think about how she used to tell me she could not wait for me to reach certain milestones in my life. For example, she always said how she wanted to come to some of my football games. She could not wait for high school graduation, move-in day at college, my wedding in the future. Now I think about all that she is going to miss. It really eats me up inside because I should be thankful for all that she has seen. I feel angry at the fact that she is not going to see the birth of my children, my wedding, my college graduation. She did not get to see me play football. She died before I could graduate from high school. I feel angry and bitter. I feel cheated because she could not share this with me.

I do know one thing: She would definitely be proud of me.

A New Poem

I know feel as if I have closure since I have written this poem.

(Chorus) It's been 3 months since we last talked.
It's been 3 months since I decided to walk
And to you I thought I had nothing to say
But that don't stop me from thinking about you day to day.

There was one point in our lives; we were together.
You had dreams of the idea of us being forever.
We were so close, two birds of the same feather.
You called me your papi, your best friend, your confidante.
I was even called nephew by one of your aunts.
Yet you threw it all away while I was at college
Hard at work trying to gain this knowledge.
You had called me right before my birthday
And right before our two-year anniversary.
You said you loved me but you had to leave.
This was something that I just couldn't believe.
I thought, " Bitch!! How can you leave me?
Remember? Last night you told me you loved me."
But then I remembered you were cheating on me emotionally.
With your best friend's brother
But I guess it didn't matter, he wasn't that close to me.

(Chorus)

Still, you inserted the knife even further.
When you fucked my man, who was almost like a brotha.
I know it was murky. It could be taken as date rape.
But that don't stop me from feeling hate.
Girl, didn't I tell you to leave that alcohol alone
Yet you still decided to drink it in your home.
Where your two girlfriends gave each other dome.
Right in Baldwin Hall I cried
I was so angry that both of you could have died.
That nite I wanted to have my homeboy shot
But Dan kept me from calling my brother, who was posted up on the black.
Why didn't you just stab me in my sleep.
Because compared to words, the knife could only go but so deep.

(Chorus)

Bittersweet

Here is a poem. Not by me but by Kanye West called Bittersweet. I have been listening to it lately and it has sort of fitted my mood.

Bittersweet



Bittersweet, you're gonna be the death of me
I dont want you, but I need you,
I love you and I hate you at the very same time

See what I want so much, should never hurt this bad
Never did this before, thats what the virgin said
We've been generally warned, thats what the surgeon says
God talk to me now this is an emergency

And she claim she only with me for the currency,
You cut me deep bitch cut me like surgery
And I was too proud to admit that it was hurtin me
I'd never do that to you at least purposely

We breakin up again we makin up again
but we dont love no more
I guess we fuckin then

Have you ever felt like you wanted to kill her
and you mixed them emotions with tequilla
and you mixed that with a little bad advice
on one of them bad nights
you have a bad fight

and you talkin bout her family her aunts and shit
and she sayin muhfucka yo mama's a bitch
you know domestic drama and shit
All the attitude
I'll never hit a girl but ill shake the shit out of you
ut im a be the bigger man
big pimpin like jigga man
oh i figure its

Bittersweet, you're gonna be the death of me
I dont want you, but I need you,
I love you and I hate you at the very same time

See what I want so much, should never hurt this bad
Never did this before, thats what the virgin said
We've been generally warned, thats what the surgeon says
God talk to me now this is an emergency

And my nigga says I shouldn't let her worry me
I need to focus on the girls we gettin currently
But I've been thinking and it got me back to sinking it
This relationship, it even got me back to drinking now
This Hennessey, is gon be the death of me
And I always thought that you havin my child was our destiny
But I can't even vibe wit you sexually
Cause every time that I try you will question me
Say "you fuckin them girls, disrespecting me?
You don't see how your lies are affecting me?
You don't see how our life was supposed to be?
And I never let a nigga get that close to me!
And you ain't cracked up to what you was supposed to be!
You always gone! You always be where them hoes would be!"
And it's the first time she ever spilled her soul to me!
I fucked up and I know it G
I guess it's bittersweet poetry

Katrina

I really do not know what to say about it. All I can do is pray for everyone. I may not be the most religious person but that will not stop me from praying for them. Those affected need all the help they can get. I just hope my prayer is helpful.

Oh My Goodness.

During one of my adventures into downtown Baltimoren one afternoon, I saw something utterly disgusting. I saw someone taking a shit right next to a building. This spot that was designated as a good shitting spot was very open. Much pf the publice could see it.

Now the person who did this was homeless. I understand that. But there was a McDonalds up the street where he could have used the bathroom. Even thoug he is homeless, there is a sense of dignity and appropriateness you must have. This subject may seem a little gross but I just couldn't believe that it happened.

Just Curious

I wonder if people read my blog. I have been surfing through other people's blog and I was just wondering. Rarely are there responses for any of my entries. Is there someone who reads this blog regularly? Is there anyone who reads it period?? Just curious.

Doubts Part 2

I have been thinking again. I recently had a conversation with an old friend. My friend attends church on a regular basis. I do not. Somehow we got on the subject of religion. She was talking about how strong her faith is and all. I told her I am questioning not just my faith, but faith in general.

Now I am not saying that I am going to become an atheist and all. I just have questions and these keep coming up. How can atheist be so sure that there is no God or gods? How can Christians, Buddhists and so on be so sure that what they are studying is the true path?? How can evolution account for us having feelings and emotions, religion?? Could it be possible that evolution only accounts for a small part of how the world came to be? Can evolution be God's tool?? I fear that I will spend my whole life dedicated to a religion just find out it was wrong. I am afraid to do that. My friend told me that I think too much. I try to make everything fit into a logical box and that life and faith does not fit into the logic box. To me, I cannot blindly accept something without proof. I need proof about whether God does or does not exist.

I have also been thinking about my path in life. I know what I want to do. I want to be an archaeologist who is remembered until the field of archaeology doesn't exist. I have to be the best because since I am Black, being good or great just does not cut it in this world. What I am talking about is my personal life. Will get married and have a family?? How do I reconcile that with my desire to travel and see the world? I know that there are very few women who will put up with a husband that travels all the time. I hope to leave a legacy in this world thorugh having children but I do not now how strong that desire is if I had to choose between a family or a career. These ae just some of the thoughts that are running through my head.

Tip of The Day

Here is a tip of the day:

Do not drive or ride in a car while Black. It is a traffic hazard.

I Have A Lot Free Time

I have been thinking about a lot lately. Especially after this Muslim guy approached me and Ronald Friday. What really happens after we die? Do we go to heaven or to Hell? Is there even an afterlife? What happens if we die and nothing happens? Does that mean that our lives are just in vain; we live just to die? I ask these questions because I am afraid to live in vain. I want ot be remembered after my death for something. I do not want to fade. Somehow I hope to live forever. I was just thinking. That is all.

Work

Now I work on a ship. A Civil War ship to be exact. Yes I dress as a Civil War sailor and I look damn sexy. Yet there are times when I hate the visitors. They ask stupid questions. I get pissed. Here are some basic answers to basic questions.

No. This is not a pirate ship.
No, it is not a slave ship.
No. I am not dressed as a pirate.
Yes. Wool pants and a canvas shirt is hot in this weather.
No. Your audio guide is not broken. Push play like I just told you dumbass.
No. We are not a babysitting service so dont just dumb your scrangy ass children on us.
No. You cant shoot the cannon. Actually, go ahead. Let it backfire on you.
Yes. You can go on the ship. Thats why you bought a damn ticket.
And I don't want to be called a cute sailor. You are 76 years old. Find someone your own age/

Importance of Silence

Very few people understand that silence is beautiful. Many believe that when two people sit in a room silent, it is awkward. That is not the case. I like to sit in a room silently. No sounds or anything. I will ride in the car with my mother, turn the radio off, and not say a word to her at all. It is just relaxing to sit there and say nothing.

Another reason silence is important is because people will talk just because they have the ability to. If you have nothing important to say, then dont say nothing. I am being serious. Don't talk just because you have the ability to. Talk because you have something intelligent to say. If you have nothing important to say, then do humanity a favor and don't say nothing

A Great Debate

My 13 year old brother Quintin and his best friend Chris were having an argument. They were debating about vegetarianism. Here are some excerpts from their argument.

Chris: " I don't eat meat because I do not want to hurt the animals' feelings."
Quintin: " Forget their feelings. I feel hungry. That is more important."

The funniest part of the conversation I believe
Chris: The chicken and the cows are going extinct. We shouldnt eat meat"
Quintin: " The zoo has meat in it"
What are they teaching these kids in school these days?

Scammed

I recently submitted a poem to this poetry contest. I found out it was a scam. Im glad they did not ask me for any money. Its not like I had any in the first place.

Bloggers

I learned something new today. The blogging community is really strong. I did not know there were so many blogs out there. I have been rummaging throughout the Net and have seen so many blogs. There seems to be sooooooooooo many people writing blogs. Many of them are interesting. They are like little glimpses in to the lives of people throughout the world. All I have to say is to those who are blogging, keep on.

I need

I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.

Teen Angst

I was recently reading a friend'sLiveJournal last nite and I made an interesting observation. Her LiveJournal is filled with a lot of teenage angst. She was struggling with her self identity, fitting in, boys, and all the other shit that teenagers go through. While reading this, I realized that I did not got through all these problems. I did not want to fit in with the rich kids at my school so I never even tried. With my small group of fellows, I never had to worry about who I was. I knew I would never understand females so I did not get frustrated with them. I never hated my mother. The fact that the world would end if something small and banal did not happen was never even a thought in my mind. I did not hate my mother. Things may have been rough but that is how life goes sometimes. When other people would talk about this, I would give them weird looks. I guess because I had real problems, like how I was going to eat or will this bill or that bill get paid, so I had to grow up a little quicker. Maybe I just did not have time to have such problems. I dont know, I just dont know.