The girlfriend visit went really really well. She had fun, I had fun so I cannot complain. I brought her to work and she sat in on my classes. The kids were curious but they did not say much. The gf thinks that I am strict. I have to be though because I am young. I have to earn the respect of the kids. She loved the activities and the logic problems that I gave in class. Friday we went to my mom's house. Saturday, we went out with some of my co-workers. Sunday we went to Six Flags. I am glad she visited.
I did realize something: I cannot live with a female. I cannot do it. I can do a roommate but not a girlfriend. It is just too close. That is someone in my space, my personal "bubble". As much as I love the gf, when she graduates and decides where to move, I hope she does not want to move in. I would love for her to be in Baltimore, but not living in my apartment. Thats too close. I do not like to share my space.
This week made me realize it. There was not specific event or anything, I just do not think I am at that point. I may just be one of those people who does not do well sharing with others. Or, I may not be at a place where I can completely open up to someone. My maturity level is not there yet. My gf knows a vague sketch of my life but very little details. I guess having her here made me realize that I still have some character issues to work out. I have to get better with sharing. It is sad that I share with strangers better than girlfriends...
I know what it is: investment. I find it easier to share with strangers because there is no emotional investment. I have not invested any love and care when I give to tot. Yet, with gf, there is a lot of investment. I got with her at a time when I let go of a lot pussy. I invested in her when I knew I was graduating and leaving school. I asked her out 3 times and she made me wait. I am trying to make it work. And her visit has shown me that with all that investment, I am scared to be hurt. I am still vulnerable. My feelings can be hurt. I can give to her and get hurt if she does not share or feel the same way. So I guess her being here put me on the defensive (It does not help that my mother mentions her and loves and adores her). Her being here made me feel like she was encroaching on my space.
To be honest, I know it does not make sense. All I know is her being her and us kind of discussing the future scared the shit out me.
5 comments:
i would take the fact that you know you're scared as a good sign. now you know how you should respond to this and it's much better to be aware of how you're feeling than to just chalk it up to being annoyed by her or something equally nondescriptive.
i think its great you're bein honest with yourself and its up to you how you choose to respond to your situation
i wish you much success in your relationship
it's ok to be scared. emotional investments freak me out, too!! i don't think living together necessarily helps relationships anyway. if you have any sort of issues they will certainly be magnified in that setting so it's better to solve them when you have your own space to retreat to when the discussion gets to be too much. young teachers def. have to be strict. good for you and glad you had a good time!
That's completely normal. You're just getting started, no need to rush or even think about rushing things. Enjoying each others company and your time apart is part of this thing we call dating. Just enjoy it all.
If it were any other way, I'd probably have to come all the way up there and have a sit down.
I think that your honesty is a great sign of maturity. And I think it's completely approporiate for you to be having these doubts. Actually I wouldnt call them doubts so much as realizations. Emotional investments are serious business, and shouldnt be taken lightly. You're growing up, young man!
Just take your time. Dont rush things or feel you have too and as said before in the comments it is good you know that you are scared to know how to work with it or go about it.
Post a Comment