I do not have self-destructive behaviors. I have behaviors that ruin the lives of the people I hold dearest.
I find myself in a dark, gloomy, unhappy place. My job is stressful. I am broke as fuck. My weight is rising; can't seem to stop the stress eating. Or eating because I am bored. Or the eating when I crave sweets every moment of the day.
My therapist sucks. I do not know why I pay him to talk to me. He is not suppose to solve all my issues but at least give me something useful. Not to be mean But I am about to drop him. I get more advice talking to myself while sitting on the toilet.
My relationship is strained. As much as I love her, I cannot seem to stop doing things that are causing irreparable damage to her. I see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. She gives me that look of mistrust. Her glances lays on me extra long for every phone call, text message, email message, or Facebook message I respond to. I respond by being emotionally distant and feeling powerless. I stare back with no expression on my face, as if I do not even notice her pain. And I then sleep on the couch so that I do not have to resort to hearing how I have fucked up for that day, that week, or the past month. It is easier to hide within late night hours of Netflix than to tell the truth about how I feel.
"I'd rather argue with you than be with someone else." - Kanye West "Blame Game
One day I want to leave, the next I know I cannot. I love her but can't seem to do right. Yet I know it all has to stop. We either figure it out or call it quits. I just wonder what the answer is...
*Heads back to pretending I have it all together. God didn't give me this million dollar smile for nothing*