Black Snake Moan

I do not have self-destructive behaviors. I have behaviors that ruin the lives of the people I hold dearest.

I find myself in a dark, gloomy, unhappy place. My job is stressful. I am broke as fuck. My weight is rising; can't seem to stop the stress eating. Or eating because I am bored. Or the eating when I crave sweets every moment of the day.

My therapist sucks. I do not know why I pay him to talk to me. He is not suppose to solve all my issues but at least give me something useful. Not to be mean But I am about to drop him. I get more advice talking to myself while sitting on the toilet.

My relationship is strained. As much as I love her, I cannot seem to stop doing things that are causing irreparable damage to her. I see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. She gives me that look of mistrust. Her glances lays on me extra long for every phone call, text message, email message, or Facebook message I respond to. I respond by being emotionally distant and feeling powerless. I stare back with no expression on my face, as if I do not even notice her pain. And I then sleep on the couch so that I do not have to resort to hearing how I have fucked up for that day, that week, or the past month. It is easier to hide within late night hours of Netflix than to tell the truth about how I feel.

"I'd rather argue with you than be with someone else." - Kanye West "Blame Game

One day I want to leave, the next I know I cannot. I love her but can't seem to do right. Yet I know it all has to stop. We either figure it out or call it quits. I just wonder what the answer is...

*Heads back to pretending I have it all together. God didn't give me this million dollar smile for nothing*

The Miracle of Life

I woke up this morning and sat on the couch. While eating Fruit Loops and watching CNN I let my mind wander a little bit. One of the things I thought about was the miracle of life.

The point I am trying to make is that life is so precious. Humans only live on average about 70-75 years. When one compares it to the length of the existence of the planet, that's a minor blink. Yet at the same time, humans are able to do so much in such a short time. A person can become leader of the free world. Another person can almost destroy democracy for a whole continent. Individuals can invent technologies that save millions of lives or destroy the planet in a blink. There is just so much potential within each and every one of us. And there are times I wake up in the morning, and I am overly impressed and awed by it.

Life's Perspective

I got into an argument on last Wednesday with a program manager from my AmeriCorps/Public Allies program.

She told me that she felt as if I did not care about the program or the people in it. This statement came from the fact on my recent evaluation, my AmeriCorps group mates did not evaluate me as high as my actual job supervisor.So went into this thing with she said I am dismissive, etc etc. Supposedly, my attitude stinks, I am rude and off-putting, I do not do work.

So I summoned my inner asshole and told her how I truly feel. I am not emotionally attached to my career. My self-worth is not tied to my career. Whether or not I am a good person is not dictated by how well I do my job. Thus, when my fellow AmeriCorps people worry about whether people's opinion of them change due to the success of the project, I do not panic. I do not worry.

That may seem transcendent for people. It may sound like I do not care. But I know when I meet my Maker, if there is a Maker, they will not judge me by how well I do not my job. There are other criteria that will
determine. Does this mean I do not want a great career? No. But what it means is that I will never put my career over how I treat and love my friends, family, and other people. I will never let career moves dictate whether I should be kind or courteous. I will never let career aspirations get in the way of spending time with the people I love the most. Thats all.

Perspective is what it is all about.

Learning and Living

Here is something I read from secretregrets.com:

I regret that in order to help the homeless, I have to listen to the paranoid shit that those rich church-goers throw at me.

I regret that I don't have the confidence to speak up and tell them that the homeless and the needy are not all alcoholic drug addicts bent on hurting children. The homeless and the needy saved my life. They conversed with me and made me feel needed. I hung on because of them. I regret that no one seems to see that the homeless and the needy are real people.

Well, you know what? I'm passionate about this, and I'm going to go against everyone's paranoid wishes. I'm going to converse, I'm going to get close. I'm going to do a photography series focusing on homelessness and poverty. I'm going to make those paranoid, dead-fish-handshake giving, stay-at-home mothers, rich church-goers realize that maybe, just maybe, the needy are people, too, and that they're nothing to be afraid of. I'm going to get my series into the community, and people will start to understand.

I know I've put a lot of hope into this. I'm only seventeen; a stupid teenager. What do I know about the way life works, right?

Bear with me. I will make a point, and it will be beautiful.

Female, 17 

I read this and felt moved beyond belief. It made me reassess a comment I made earlier on Facebook. Maybe there is hope for the future.

Little Update

- I start my new job on October 1st. I am excited. The best birthday gift during a recession: a job! I am going to be working with a non-profit doing a bit of everything. A little workforce enhancement, community development. Whatever they need me to do. So I am definitely ready to start working.

- My birthday is on October 1st. My gf has something planned for me. I do not know what it is but I know it will be good. She also has my gift already. I know where she hid it but I have not looked at it. I do not want to ruin the surprise. I know it will be better than my last birthday where I watched football at a bar on a Wednesday. Its all good.

- I have found a new show I like during my time of unemployment: The View. I actually like the show and I have been watching it avidly. I just like the discussions. My only complaint is that they invited Kate Gosselin on the show to guest host. She just sits there and does not say anything unless its about her

- This leads me to another complaint. I cannot stand Kate Gosselin. How can she be so upset if she mistreated her husband. If you ever saw the show "Jon & Kate Plus 8" you would know she treated Jon like poop. What do you expect? You treat someone badly and eventually they will leave. Its simple science.

Rambling Man

- I should probably start blogging a bit more often. I know I say it every time I blog but I feel that way. I just get lazy and some days dont feel like turning my computer on.

- I got accepted into an Americorps program called Public Allies. I will be working with a community oragnization called WPNPC. I would be doing community development dealing with issues such as ex-offender employment, bringing businesses into the community, and housing rehab. It should be quite interesting.

- Living with the gf has been an interesting experience. I have learned that every battle is not worth fighting. Before saying something I always think "Is this something that I will think about in the morning?" If the answer is no, I just hold my tongue. Sometimes it is just not that serious.

- Sometimes my mother gets on my nerves. I love her to death but I feel thats he sometimes complains because she knows it irks me. Thus, i often just ignore her.

- Friday night I went to a high school classmate's birthday party. The guy was a kid that many people kind of ignored. I always loved him. I found him funny and intelligent. His little bday bbq started off slow but as the night wore on (i.e. he consumed more alcohol) it became more enjoyable. I am glad I went. It was a good time.

- I miss some bloggers like Wise. She never blogs anymore. Her blog entries were nice! I need to call her anyway. I have not talked to her in a while.

- Those town hall health care mobs are a set up by the right wing. Instead of debating it intelligently, they use some disrespectful means to make people scared. This is why citizens need to do their homework. This includes all of you reading. Do some research! If you disagree witht he administration, do so with some intelligence and class. Dont go mobbing politicians. That is not hot in the streets these days.

- Football season cannot start soon enough. GO RAVENS! The bad thing is that my gf is a Browns fan. I promise that I will not start any fights. Maybe I can bring her to the light....

Everyday

Every night I say a prayer. In that prayer I ask God to allow me to wake up with all my faculties. Not so that I see the fruits of my labor, but so that my girlfriend will see the fruits of my labor. I ask God to allow me to do the things I need to do in order to provide a better way for us. This I pray for every night.

And so far, I have woken up with my head on straight. And everyday I work my plan in order to provide for my woman. I work hard and do what I am suppose to do.

I guess I say all of this because tomorrow I go off to meet my gf so we can move her stuff to Baltimore. I am not nervous or anxious. I am at peace. This is because I know I have tried my best to pave a way so that her adjustment is smooth. And that is what she expects from me: to try

PS: Im still Baltimore. I dont think I am fleeing to Puerto Rico. The girlfriend talked me out of it

Crisis

I am at a point where I may just pack my shit and flee to Puerto Rico with one of my best friends. I am dead serious. I have lost my job, moved back home. The student loan people are hounding me. Job prospects looking blah. I am just not happy.

A few days ago my best friend Mari hit me up and told me she is moving to Puerto Rico. She is in a similar position I am in. Her job prospects are slim. Life just seems at a standall. She is moving down July 21 and she sent me an invite. Not only has she looked at apartments but she sent me a listing of jobs available down there.

I normally dont make decisions like this. My decisions tend to be well thought out. However, this is alluring. I have no kids, family, or home. No obligations are keeping me here in Baltimore.

Dont be surprised that the next time you hear from me it is from Puerto Rico.

5 Year Reunion

I had my 5 year high school reunion this weekend. I went to a private Quaker school here in Baltimore. There were several surprises:

1. I actually like my classmates

Seriously, I thought when I graduated, there would only be a few people I would like. I thought my classmates were immature (Im sure they felt the same about me). However sitting with them Saturday, I had a realization: they have turned out to be really good people. I really believe my classmates to be good folk. I would actually call them up for a drink just for fun. They turned out into some genuine, nice, caring people. I was surprised and just felt glad I went to my reunion.

2. Several of my female classmates look good

My female classmates are attractive. I was surprised. I knew we had some lookers but it seems like they have just gotten better with age. I am very surprised. Me and some of the fellas were definitely caught staring. There was one classmate who went to Howard. I was dancing with her and it caught me by surprise. I whispered in her ear, "You must have learned some new tricks at Howard.". She smiles and said 'I taught some tricks at Howard". I left well enough alone. I am going to keep it simple: My female classmates are lucky I have a girlfriend.

3. Many of them stayed local

I figured most of my classmates would have been spread across the country. In high school, they seemed to be the wandering type. The broke struggling artist who roams city to city. Not at all. Most are right here in Baltimore. I am surpised by that

Overall, I really like how my class has turned out. I am soooooo glad I went to the reunion. 

PS: Check out the blog C-Nel and I share, Two Brothers 

Monotony

My life has gotten quite boring lately. At work, my routine is exactly the same. Plan, teach, eat lunch, teach, go home. After I leave work, I go to the gym. I come back from the gym, cook dinner, watch CNN. I will talk to the gf for a while then go to sleep.

Is this what being an adult is all about? This blows. I need some excitement, some adventure. Where is an earthquake when you need one?!?! I need something to happen to break this monotony! It is killing me! Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!

In My Life

Things have been coming along ok. I am still looking for a job. I have a few promising leads. However, it is hard to be patient when I do not know what is coming next. It is very difficult. Thus, there are days that I feel frustrated and upset because I have not gotten a phone call or email. I know I have to be patient but is sure is not easy.

Teaching has become frustrating. It is rewarding in many ways but it is definitely frustrating. There are days I come home and just want to sleep. I don't want to eat, I don't want to watch tv; just sleep. I wonder if I am even reaching the kids. There are plenty of days I question whether I even want to continue. Switching to the non-profit industry is something I am considering. I believe that my skills and abilities may fit that industry better. Who knows...

Also, I am now a contrubuting writer for another blog called Brother's Man Law. Check it out and leave some comments. My first entry is there so leave some love.

Lesson Learned

Story:

I am currently back at my old college. It's spring break so I decide to travel back to Erie. Last night, me and a few friends decide to hit up the old campus bar. The special was 50 cent well drinks. That was something no one would ever turn down.

It was a rough night.

I had fun but I had one too many. I knew I had one too many when I fell down the steps. I normally dont drink cheap liquor (Bankers' Club vodka was the well vodka). But I fell down the steps and felt embarrassed!! I have never done that before. Once I fell, I took my behind home. I knew it was time to go.

Lesson Learned:

Need to improve my balance. Cheap alcohol does not mean I need to drink as much as possible

Life As it Is

I am well. I really have not too many complaints. My job is not stressing me. My love life is good. Friends and family are cool. I have nothing to complain about. But here are just some random things:

• I am excited for the new Terminator movie coming out in May! I saw the trailer and felt siked!

• I am also excited for the new Transformers movie too!

• If they are going on this whole relics from my childhood, why not make a Thunder Cats movie. Thunder Cats Hoooooo!!!

• I went 24 hours without watching the news last week. I felt so lost when I finally got around to watching some news. I cannot do that again. I might just die

• I was not a youtube junkie until recently. I have subscribed to J-Smooth, who is a hip-hop video blogger. His videos are deep. His name on youtube is illdoc1. I think I have actually seen all the video he has posted, mostly while at work lol.
  

• The Mafia Wars application on Facebook has me hooked! I get to be a gangster and not worry about getting shot! It is a dream come true!

• On my way to work one day, this crazy evangelical woman approached me. She asked me if I kill babies. I was confused. I guess she was talking about abortion so I told her it is not possible, I am male. She proceeded to tell me that the Lord was going to strike me down if I dont believe or go to church (I know, had nothing to do with her earlier question. I dont ask questions about crazy people). I told her thats not possible. I told her that God gets a rash everytime I come into his house. She left me alone.
  

What I Have Been Up To

I have not blogged in a while. Let me update you on my life:

Love Life:
I spent the week of New Years with the gf. We had a blast! It was a great time. We went into Cleveland and did it up for New Years. I enjoyed this trip.

We made a decision and it is solid. She is moving in with me this summer. Once she graduates, she is moving to Baltimore. I am sooooooooo excited. We are in the process of finding a job for her. She wants to do something in education. Thus, at the end of February, she is attending an independent schools job fair in Baltimore. So we are making moves to make this thing happen.

Work:
My students are insane but I love them dearly. I treat them as if they are my own sons. My classroom has been getting better. There is a steady improvement that has been showing up. I am definitely happy.

A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

I snuck back to my place from work so I can blog. I am having a good day. I woke up feeling like a champ. A million dollar baby right here!!! Nothing can take me down! Nothing. Nada. Nihil (that's Latin for ya lol). Kids want to get rowdy in my class? BOOM!! Drop kick to the face! Coworker wants to give me the stink eye? THROAT CHOP*!!!! Ok, maybe I cannot do all that. But as U2 says, ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!

Tonight is the holiday party at my gym. I have a membership at the Merritt Downtown Athletic Club provided to me for free by my school. Its a very chic gym. Our fine mayor, Sheila Dixon works out there. If given the opportunity, I would kick her in the vag. This woman would sell Tuesday in order to get a fur coat.... anyways. They have a holiday party every year and it is open bar and free for all members. I am going to go and sneak into the VIP section.













Why you may ask.













I AM GETTING ARAB MONEY!!!



























*Throat chop brought to you in part by Humanity Critic*

Sunday Morning

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning

This morning is a good one. I have my oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast. It is warm in my apartment. I have no errands to run. Today is my sit down day. I am loving it.

Enjoy your Sunday everyone!

Welcome To The Good Life

Today I realized something:

I am happy.

I am happy with my life at this point. This is for several reasons. First, I am in good health. I have no major health issues. My mind is working properly. Secondly, I have great friends and family. Those people always support me. They check me when I am wrong, celebrate when I am right. I support them to the best of my ability and they do the same for me. Third, I love my job. It is great. I come home tired many days but I am happy. The students I teach are passionate about what they are learning. The guys keep me on my toes. My faculty is very supportive of me being new. They give me tips all of the time.

Things are great and I cannot complain. Being 21 and happy is rare. I am going to enjoy it.

Its Been A Long Time...

I have been away from this blog for a minute and much has happened. Let me catch you up:

Love Life:

Things are good with the gf. I visited her for a week in her hometown. The visit overall went well. I had an issue with the mother. She was rude to me. But her mother shaped up and things worked themselves out. I miss the girlfriend I cannot wait to see her again.

Professional Life:

My first day of school was today!! It went well. I over planned for it all but all went well. The kids like me. I did not have a heart attack. I cannot wait to do it again tomorrow. Life is good.

However, I need to work on making it to meetings on time. I still struggle with that.

One of the moms hollered at me on the low at orientation. She snuck and got my number. She asked me to tutor her son. But she played it as she wanted me to but did not want to disturb or take up my time. I was polite and said it would not take up any time at all. Then she whipped out her pen and took down my number. The woman gave me a hug and switched really hard as she walked away. It was at that moment I realized she got me. I hope she loses my number and does not call.

Other random bits:
- The apartment is starting to look nice. I will have to put some pictures up.
- I cannot get this T-Pain song out of my head, "Can't Believe It" I hum it even in class.
- I need to get my damn license. The school asked about it and I need to get that ish together.
- My external hard drive broke and I am about to have a heart attack. I need my pictures!!

Monday Blues

I am a little stressed right now. This fall term is starting wrap up. What this means is that all of my classes are starting to put a crunch on me. Professors are throwing down tons of work. It just does not seem to be enough time to do it all. Oh well, its the name of the college game.

I cannot wait to return to Baltimore. I miss my family and friends from home. I just really want to see them. Plus, I miss the city. I love it. Its busy and full of hustle and bustle. Its too quiet here in Erie. Life moves a little too slow for me. its just too small. Plus I cannot wait to see Cnel and go out for drinks with him! Thanksgiving break here I come!!

I keep making my lady situation more complicated. I just keep adding more of them. I just cannot help it. When I am in a relationship, its all good. But being single its different. I see a pretty girl, I add her to the flock. Now I know I should not complain because there are plenty of guys who do not have any women who like them. Yet I know that too many women can make life complicated. Trying to balance and spend equal time with them all is hard. Its hard out here for a pimp lol.

Im done for now. I just wanted to update you all

Where I Am At

I am seriously loving life. It just does not get any better. I have been in a great mood and I cannot explain it.

Classes are going reasonably well. I did well on my History paper. I still need to see the results of the midterm. I got an A on my Video Production midterm and a B+ on the commercial for that class. I still have not gotten my grade for my North American Prehistory midterm.

My relationship with my friends is going well. I love my crew. No matter what, I know they are always going to be there for me. There is a small issue, or maybe not so small. My friend Nick I think likes her. I at least know for sure that her likes Nick. He just denies it all. I know he is telling the truth but I know she has some feelings. I know it. I can sense it deep. I see how she is around him. My thing is that she is grimey. I gave my blessing in order to keep things god between me and him. If he ends up loving her, I refuse to be the one stopping that. I just want someone to be open with me. Plus I just dont think her should be trying to holler at one o f my boys. She got mad at me for a similar situation in which her former roommate tried to get at me. Whatever. Like I said, thats my buddy and I wont let nothing and no one get in the way.

Things are good with the lady friend. All is good on that front

I did call and wish my brother happy birthday. He was not there so I left a message. That little punk has been dodging me. Ima kill that little punk. Plus he asked for 16 one dollar bills talking about they are for the girls who drop it. He just turned 16. What does he know about that?

Oh yeah, I am doing this interview thing where you readers get to interview me. This means email me six questions and I will post answers. Ask away!!