Where Is My Jesus?

I am sitting at my desk today filling out my Big Brothers Big Sisters application and I came across a question on the form that I am struggling to answer. The question asked "What is your religious affiliation?".

For 20 years I considered myself a Christian. Throughout my life I have worshiped at places from a Catholic cathedral, 7-Day Adventist church, Baptist, A.M.E., Methodist, Episcopalian, Presbyterian, Jehovah Witness Hall, and various incarnations of non-denominational-ism. I have been to mega-churches down to places that have a congregation of 15. My journey to find a spiritual home has been deep, whether timespan and geographical, and theological.

How do I explain on a 3 inch long line my feelings about religion? How do I explain that I believe the concept of God to be true; however, I have not found a place that I feel comfortable? That for a while I accepted the concept of the Christian God yet with a few caveats (no Trinitarianism and some other non-logical concepts)? How do I come to grips with the fact that worship has always been a communal exercise yet no one in which I want the worship without the communal aspect?

How do I explain that I hate that church has become a business, not a mission? That the quantity of people has become more important than the quality. That social justice is absent and that the whole "in the world, not of it" concept rings hollow and elitist, provincial, and not inclusive? That the LGBTQ community is good enough to sing, clap, donate, and stomp in the aisle but cannot walk down the aisle?

How come the way that worship is presented in the 21st Century Christian church does not feel "full"? Many times it touches my intellectual side, however it does not speak to my heart. It does not speak to the "inner, dark, unlit" places of the human experience. That the Christian concept of God feels complete and incomplete all in the same swoop? That now we have no mystical (look it up) tradition in religion that captures my imagination? God feels more like a math and logic problem than a phenomenon. I no longer feel that God lives inside of me as well as out there. I struggle to find a feeling with God. I want a worship that makes me feel as well as think. It needs to move me in a way that I cannot find elsewhere.

This line on the form has made me put into words concepts I have struggles with since 5ht grade on the back of that Grace Bible Baptist Church bus.

2 AM Musings

I have been thinking of proposing my girlfriend.

We have discussed it before. She wants to get married. She just never said she wants to marry me. I wtell her she should propose to me (semi-seriously). She said she would if she could guarantee I would say  es. (I am still trying to interpret that...).

All I know is that I love her. A lot. I want to be with her. I just worry that I am not mentaly and emotionally together enough to make that step.

Guess I need to ask my shrink.

Sunday Morning Wonderings

• I soooooooooooooo should have studied journalism and political science. Every time I watch Fareed Zakaria's GPS show, I am engrossed. I sit there with envy wanting to do that kind of work; political analysis. I love this. I could watch this all day. I wish my job required that I watch and analyze this kind of stuff. I would be the happiest man on Earth.

• One of my new favorite shows is American Pickers. I do not know why but that show is definitely interesting. I will say one thing: you would not catch me in some of the areas they go to find stuff. Way too rural for me. Some of those folks do not look to kindly to Black folk like me.

• THESE ALLERGIES ARE KILLING ME SON! No amount of medicine is helping me.

• No comment on work. Call me or email me to discuss that one.

• One of these days I am just going to pack my stuff and travel. And I am going to be broke as hell while doing it. It seems like so much fun and so many people I know have done it and made it work. I think I could too.

Black Snake Moan

I do not have self-destructive behaviors. I have behaviors that ruin the lives of the people I hold dearest.

I find myself in a dark, gloomy, unhappy place. My job is stressful. I am broke as fuck. My weight is rising; can't seem to stop the stress eating. Or eating because I am bored. Or the eating when I crave sweets every moment of the day.

My therapist sucks. I do not know why I pay him to talk to me. He is not suppose to solve all my issues but at least give me something useful. Not to be mean But I am about to drop him. I get more advice talking to myself while sitting on the toilet.

My relationship is strained. As much as I love her, I cannot seem to stop doing things that are causing irreparable damage to her. I see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. She gives me that look of mistrust. Her glances lays on me extra long for every phone call, text message, email message, or Facebook message I respond to. I respond by being emotionally distant and feeling powerless. I stare back with no expression on my face, as if I do not even notice her pain. And I then sleep on the couch so that I do not have to resort to hearing how I have fucked up for that day, that week, or the past month. It is easier to hide within late night hours of Netflix than to tell the truth about how I feel.

"I'd rather argue with you than be with someone else." - Kanye West "Blame Game

One day I want to leave, the next I know I cannot. I love her but can't seem to do right. Yet I know it all has to stop. We either figure it out or call it quits. I just wonder what the answer is...

*Heads back to pretending I have it all together. God didn't give me this million dollar smile for nothing*

Work Grind

Missing 4 work days is no fun. I mean I enjoyed my little vacation; don't get me wrong. However, coming back today I felt a little lost. Missing 4 days of work feels like a month. So much happened and I feel like I am just starting to catch up. My staff is teasing me because I have a clean-shaven face. One of them almost did not even recognize me. I had to rush and finish up some items due today. Oh well... thats life I guess.

I am looking forward to Preakness. I really want to go. I cannot believe that being from Baltimore I have never ever been before! I need to get my act together! So I am prepping myself for the infield. I am not going to get stupid wasted like most folks. Baltimore summers are waaaaaaaaaaaay too hot for that kind of foolishness. No heat stroke over here. However, I do want to enjoy myself. Plus, I have never seen a horse race live; just on tv.