The Veritable Musings of the Gentleman named Epsilonicus...

Where Is My Jesus?

2011-11-14T13:46:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at my desk today filling out my Big Brothers Big Sisters application and I came across a question on the form that I am struggling to answer. The question asked "What is your religious affiliation?".

For 20 years I considered myself a Christian. Throughout my life I have worshiped at places from a Catholic cathedral, 7-Day Adventist church, Baptist, A.M.E., Methodist, Episcopalian, Presbyterian, Jehovah Witness Hall, and various incarnations of non-denominational-ism. I have been to mega-churches down to places that have a congregation of 15. My journey to find a spiritual home has been deep, whether timespan and geographical, and theological.

How do I explain on a 3 inch long line my feelings about religion? How do I explain that I believe the concept of God to be true; however, I have not found a place that I feel comfortable? That for a while I accepted the concept of the Christian God yet with a few caveats (no Trinitarianism and some other non-logical concepts)? How do I come to grips with the fact that worship has always been a communal exercise yet no one in which I want the worship without the communal aspect?

How do I explain that I hate that church has become a business, not a mission? That the quantity of people has become more important than the quality. That social justice is absent and that the whole "in the world, not of it" concept rings hollow and elitist, provincial, and not inclusive? That the LGBTQ community is good enough to sing, clap, donate, and stomp in the aisle but cannot walk down the aisle?

How come the way that worship is presented in the 21st Century Christian church does not feel "full"? Many times it touches my intellectual side, however it does not speak to my heart. It does not speak to the "inner, dark, unlit" places of the human experience. That the Christian concept of God feels complete and incomplete all in the same swoop? That now we have no mystical (look it up) tradition in religion that captures my imagination? God feels more like a math and logic problem than a phenomenon. I no longer feel that God lives inside of me as well as out there. I struggle to find a feeling with God. I want a worship that makes me feel as well as think. It needs to move me in a way that I cannot find elsewhere.

This line on the form has made me put into words concepts I have struggles with since 5ht grade on the back of that Grace Bible Baptist Church bus.

2 AM Musings

2011-09-02T23:01:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking of proposing my girlfriend.

We have discussed it before. She wants to get married. She just never said she wants to marry me. I wtell her she should propose to me (semi-seriously). She said she would if she could guarantee I would say es. (I am still trying to interpret that...).

All I know is that I love her. A lot. I want to be with her. I just worry that I am not mentaly and emotionally together enough to make that step.

Guess I need to ask my shrink.

Sunday Morning Wonderings

2011-06-05T11:06:00.000-07:00

I soooooooooooooo should have studied journalism and political science. Every time I watch Fareed Zakaria's GPS show, I am engrossed. I sit there with envy wanting to do that kind of work; political analysis. I love this. I could watch this all day. I wish my job required that I watch and analyze this kind of stuff. I would be the happiest man on Earth.

One of my new favorite shows is American Pickers. I do not know why but that show is definitely interesting. I will say one thing: you would not catch me in some of the areas they go to find stuff. Way too rural for me. Some of those folks do not look to kindly to Black folk like me.

THESE ALLERGIES ARE KILLING ME SON! No amount of medicine is helping me.

No comment on work. Call me or email me to discuss that one.

One of these days I am just going to pack my stuff and travel. And I am going to be broke as hell while doing it. It seems like so much fun and so many people I know have done it and made it work. I think I could too.

Black Snake Moan

2011-03-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

I do not have self-destructive behaviors. I have behaviors that ruin the lives of the people I hold dearest.

I find myself in a dark, gloomy, unhappy place. My job is stressful. I am broke as fuck. My weight is rising; can't seem to stop the stress eating. Or eating because I am bored. Or the eating when I crave sweets every moment of the day.

My therapist sucks. I do not know why I pay him to talk to me. He is not suppose to solve all my issues but at least give me something useful. Not to be mean But I am about to drop him. I get more advice talking to myself while sitting on the toilet.

My relationship is strained. As much as I love her, I cannot seem to stop doing things that are causing irreparable damage to her. I see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. She gives me that look of mistrust. Her glances lays on me extra long for every phone call, text message, email message, or Facebook message I respond to. I respond by being emotionally distant and feeling powerless. I stare back with no expression on my face, as if I do not even notice her pain. And I then sleep on the couch so that I do not have to resort to hearing how I have fucked up for that day, that week, or the past month. It is easier to hide within late night hours of Netflix than to tell the truth about how I feel.

"I'd rather argue with you than be with someone else." - Kanye West "Blame Game

One day I want to leave, the next I know I cannot. I love her but can't seem to do right. Yet I know it all has to stop. We either figure it out or call it quits. I just wonder what the answer is...

*Heads back to pretending I have it all together. God didn't give me this million dollar smile for nothing*

Work Grind

2011-03-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

Missing 4 work days is no fun. I mean I enjoyed my little vacation; don't get me wrong. However, coming back today I felt a little lost. Missing 4 days of work feels like a month. So much happened and I feel like I am just starting to catch up. My staff is teasing me because I have a clean-shaven face. One of them almost did not even recognize me. I had to rush and finish up some items due today. Oh well... thats life I guess.

I am looking forward to Preakness. I really want to go. I cannot believe that being from Baltimore I have never ever been before! I need to get my act together! So I am prepping myself for the infield. I am not going to get stupid wasted like most folks. Baltimore summers are waaaaaaaaaaaay too hot for that kind of foolishness. No heat stroke over here. However, I do want to enjoy myself. Plus, I have never seen a horse race live; just on tv.

Today At Work

2010-12-16T06:38:00.000-08:00

I cannot seem to get it moving. I think because my office has no heat in it (the outside temp is 23 degrees), I am struggling. If you all love me, please send a space heater before I turn into a chocolate popsicle.

Alos, I am happy because the planning committee for the holiday party meets today. I love planning this party even though I hate Christmas. This is helping me feel less Grinch-esque.

The office is quiet and I love it.

Talking to Myself

2010-12-15T09:03:00.000-08:00

Stream of conscious.... here we go

I often talk to myself. Seriously. And the reason is simple: I often have the answer to my own question or problem (whether I follow it or not is a whole 'nother story). Thus, while in the shower I will literally talk the problem out. It seems quite insane but it works for me. And the solution I derive is often elegant and simple.

However, there is a second reason I do this. If I have to get something off my chest, I know that talking to myself about it will keep it between me and myself. When I have the urge to confess, I need discretion. I do not like a whole rack of folk knowing every dirty little secret. I have done things I am not proud of. Yet lately, it seems the the only way to find absolution is to talk it out to myself. So between shampooing my hair and exfoliating, I talk everything out. In the shower. Between my Kanye-sized ego and myself.

Until I find a better, more intelligent counselour, that is what I am sticking with.

Whew. Thats all i had to share

Time Off

2010-08-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

So during this period of unemployment that started July 30th, I have been taking it pretty easy. Resting, viewing apartments, watching TV... all things I have done during this period off. Don't get it twisted, I have also been looking for work. I had a good interview and now I am waiting to hear something. I will definitely keep you all updated!!

But my favorite thing about my time of is... BBCAmerica! They have Star Trek: The Next Generation reruns on for a good chunk of the day. I am a huuuuuuge TNG fan so this has been unemployment heaven. So I have been watching this when I have the opportunities. Every time I see Levar Burton on there I laugh because he reminds me of my nerdy self.

I may need to find some other good shows to watch. Any suggestions

The Miracle of Life

2010-05-18T12:34:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and sat on the couch. While eating Fruit Loops and watching CNN I let my mind wander a little bit. One of the things I thought about was the miracle of life.

The point I am trying to make is that life is so precious. Humans only live on average about 70-75 years. When one compares it to the length of the existence of the planet, that's a minor blink. Yet at the same time, humans are able to do so much in such a short time. A person can become leader of the free world. Another person can almost destroy democracy for a whole continent. Individuals can invent technologies that save millions of lives or destroy the planet in a blink. There is just so much potential within each and every one of us. And there are times I wake up in the morning, and I am overly impressed and awed by it.

While Doing Nothing At My Desk

2010-03-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

I just saw a photo of Her on Facebook this morning. Not even going to front, she looks good. Very good. I was struck speechless when I saw her photo. Her and I are not even on speaking terms. She would not even piss on fire to put me out. Given the opportunity, she would slit my throat in my sleep. But she still looked fly nonetheless

This new person who works in my office walks like a model. When she walked down the hall,the first thing I thought was "Project Runway". Her posture is very model-esque.

I need to do these damn taxes. I keep putting it off but they need to get done. I need some cash

I have switched my bank account from Bank of America to a credit union. NO MORE FEES!

I am considering doing a side business for financial management. For the past year I have been doing tons of research about it. I find financial management interesting even though I hate math. I may do it. I think I should ask around and see.

Life's Perspective

2010-03-08T11:56:00.000-08:00

I got into an argument on last Wednesday with a program manager from my AmeriCorps/Public Allies program.

She told me that she felt as if I did not care about the program or the people in it. This statement came from the fact on my recent evaluation, my AmeriCorps group mates did not evaluate me as high as my actual job supervisor.So went into this thing with she said I am dismissive, etc etc. Supposedly, my attitude stinks, I am rude and off-putting, I do not do work.

So I summoned my inner asshole and told her how I truly feel. I am not emotionally attached to my career. My self-worth is not tied to my career. Whether or not I am a good person is not dictated by how well I do my job. Thus, when my fellow AmeriCorps people worry about whether people's opinion of them change due to the success of the project, I do not panic. I do not worry.

That may seem transcendent for people. It may sound like I do not care. But I know when I meet my Maker, if there is a Maker, they will not judge me by how well I do not my job. There are other criteria that will
determine. Does this mean I do not want a great career? No. But what it means is that I will never put my career over how I treat and love my friends, family, and other people. I will never let career moves dictate whether I should be kind or courteous. I will never let career aspirations get in the way of spending time with the people I love the most. Thats all.

Perspective is what it is all about.

The Homosexual Question

2010-03-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

My mom and I have been debating homosexuality recently. Recently, she became more religious. She used to have gay friends and never commented on their lifestyle.Now all of a sudden, homosexuality is a sin. "Those people" are sinners, evil, despicable or any other adjective that puts homosexuals in some sort of weirdo category.

But guess what? GASP! All that homosexuality is is a natural variance in human sexual behavior. Every single human culture/society that has ever existed in the 250,000 year lifespan of the homo sapiens has had homosexuals. It is plain and simple. Homosexuals are not weirdos. They are not sinful. Shit, most cultures don't even have the concept of sin. All homosexuality is is a natural variation in human sexual behavior. That is it.

My study of anthropology and archaeology has shown me this. Homosexuals in many cultures became shamans, religious/medical people in their society. Native Americans called them twin-spirits. Societies in Africa and Australia had homosexual members. I am pretty sure there may have even been gay Neandertals.
It comes down to this. Homosexuality is just another part of human nature. Just because you do not practice it doesn't mean it is evil...

Check out this link. You may find it interesting http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35347847/ns/health-behavior/

Career Prospects

2010-02-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

I really like my job. I really do. While I may dread waking up in the morning (I hate mornings), I do not dread going to work. This is the first place where I feel like the work that I do is important and is actually valued. The team I work with is amazing. The participants really appreciate us. I like what I do.

But as I sit at my desk, an opportunity for career growth has appeared. My current position is an AmeriCorps position. There is a full-time position available and I threw my name in the ring. I am vastly younger than all the candidates. I have less experience. But, I think I can make it in the rodeo. I just hope my boss believes he does. I don't think I want to leave this place yet. I kind of enjoy it...

The John Mayer Controversy

2010-02-13T12:27:00.000-08:00

The John Mayer Playboy Interview

So while snowed in this week, I read and heard all this uproar about John Mayer's Playboy interview. Since I had nothing better to do with my time of confinement in the house, I trolled the internet and found the interview (Funny story: this the first time I have ever been on Playboy's website. All for a man lol). I read the story twice and had a different reaction than most of the people on the internet.

1. I do not believe John Mayer is an asshole. I really don't. He says some things that seem outrageous. But in reality, what he says in honest. He tells you exactly how he feels about stuff. Is it put eloquently? No. Not at all. But at least he keeps it 100. There is no pre-fabricated responses with him.

2. I do not believe he is racist. Everyone has been making such a hoopla about John Mayer using the N-word. But for real, if you look at what he said, it sure was the truth.

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’"

John Mayer wasn't being racist. What he was saying was that people really want to say "you act like a nigger" but they wont because it is politically incorrect to say that. People won't say "since Black people like you, you gotta be one of them savages". We all know tis true. The second thing he was saying is that he isn't Black because he has never even went through the experiences that Black people have. Was what he said eloquent? Oh hell no. John Mayer's prose is not even close to his poetry. But what he said definitely had some truth.

3. And even if he did say something racist, does it matter? This is John Mayer. He is not worth all the effort of spazzing out. If you want to end racism, go protest a police station. There are officers in police stations who set race relations back 20 years every time they put on a badge

A Shot Across The Bow

2010-01-25T08:50:00.000-08:00

I want each of you who watches the above video to take a moment and ask yourself this question: Am I doing enough to make theworld around me better?

Learning and Living

2010-01-22T07:11:00.000-08:00

Here is something I read from secretregrets.com:

I regret that in order to help the homeless, I have to listen to the paranoid shit that those rich church-goers throw at me.

I regret that I don't have the confidence to speak up and tell them that the homeless and the needy are not all alcoholic drug addicts bent on hurting children. The homeless and the needy saved my life. They conversed with me and made me feel needed. I hung on because of them. I regret that no one seems to see that the homeless and the needy are real people.

Well, you know what? I'm passionate about this, and I'm going to go against everyone's paranoid wishes. I'm going to converse, I'm going to get close. I'm going to do a photography series focusing on homelessness and poverty. I'm going to make those paranoid, dead-fish-handshake giving, stay-at-home mothers, rich church-goers realize that maybe, just maybe, the needy are people, too, and that they're nothing to be afraid of. I'm going to get my series into the community, and people will start to understand.

I know I've put a lot of hope into this. I'm only seventeen; a stupid teenager. What do I know about the way life works, right?

Bear with me. I will make a point, and it will be beautiful.

Female, 17

I read this and felt moved beyond belief. It made me reassess a comment I made earlier on Facebook. Maybe there is hope for the future.

Mass Transit Folk

2010-01-15T12:40:00.001-08:00

I take public transportation to work I have made some observations. There are always the same characters! Here they go:

Jesus Freak
This is the person who gets on the bus and train and greets everyone with a "Good morning! Praise Jesus!". Then, they try and get everyone to sing some gospel song or recite some Bible verse. They come sit next to you and want to teach you the joys of the "good news" These people need to realize that at 8am in the morning, the only good news I want to hear is I am getting paid or getting off work. Thats it. No offense, but even God hates early mornings

Booty Girl
This is the girl who has a "Big Booty Judy"-type of butt. Her pants hardly fits. It look like it took 1/2 hour to get in them jeans. Most likely she is young, around 18 or a lil older. Every man on the bus or train is peeking at her panties (most likely thongs). Even though I know its wrong, I look. I sure do. It might be tasteless to have a booty sticking out, but a brother gets curious.

Leaning Tower of Crack

I am sure every city has one of these! The crackhead that leans so far over they can lick their own toes. They eyes roll into the back of their head and they gone. This type of transit rider then will ask for a cigarette, knowing good and well they can't keep their head up, nonetheless a cigarette in their hand. They can be hilarious and bring joy to a morning commute.

The Entrpreneur
This is the man/woman who gets on the bus or trains and sells soap, socks and batteries. You know the type. In Baltimore, someone is always selling something on the bus I have seen these items for sale: soap, toothbrush, batteries, cd, dvds, vacuum cleaner, air freshener, water, soda, cigarettes, paint, and weave. The entrepreneur has the best deal you can find on everyday items!

She Got Kids!
This is the person who has 50 million kids. Now, it would not be a problem except the kids are hell to deal with. One kid is yelling and screaming while the other is crawling under the seats. A third is drawing on windows. The 4th child is talking to random folk. The kicker is then the mom starts wildin' out on the children, yelling and screaming delivering whippings like Bruce Lee with nunchucks. This is the most embarrising part...

Add types as you see fit

Black Women Unmarried

2009-12-28T11:58:00.000-08:00

Here is my opinion after watching this:
(Disclaimer: I date interracially . I don't prefer other races of women, I just have no problem dating outside my race)

I don't really pity these women for several reasons. The first, we cannot help that there are overall fewer Black men than Black women. Unless one starts genetically selecting for more men to be around, women will always miss out on getting married.

Secondly, women are purposefully choosing to marry later; whether it is to pursue a career or other things. That is not a bad thing but when you choose to wait, you just not going to marry as early.

The 3rd reason is that I know these professional women have overlooked brothers because they have "standards". I know if a dude was not making as much, he got looked over most likely. If his job does not seem to have "high career growth", they probably were not going to stick around. I guess that is fine too. But what most corporate Black women fail to realize is that most brothers are not even entering corporate America. They are starting their own businesses or working in the non-profit world. These men may have jobs that are not going to lead to them being the "corporate captains" of America. So as soon as many women feel like a man is not being "man enough" by being the bread winner they check out. Not all women feel like this but I have met quite a few Black women who do.

Like I know these women would not like me. I got too many strikes. I date interracially. I work in the non-profit arena. I do not fit the idea of being a brother on the rise. So they miss out.

Tell me what you think.

The Dead Hour

2009-11-30T13:17:00.000-08:00

I love my job. I really do. I know I said that last time when I was teaching but this time I really do. However, there is one problem I have.

3pm hits and this office becomes soooooooooo none productive. I feel the after-lunch -itis kicking in. No one is at their desk. Jokes being cracked. This place becomes completely useless. So my daily schedules is pretty simple: Work until 3pm. After that, I am useless.I should just bring in a cot and crash.

Does anyone else have a workplace like this.

A Bit of Change

2009-11-25T10:21:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say hello. You can see that I changed the blog a little bit. Moved some items around, brighten some colors. I thought I would make the old blog look a little more uplifting. The dark colors were kind of a drag. So tell me what you think. It may or may not change my mind. Most likely it wont but I still want to know what you all think.

Epsilonicus Religiosus

2009-11-08T07:51:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine practically called me a heathen. She started talking to me about how I am not following God's plan since SHE didn't like the decisions I am making. I told her I do not believe God creates a "plan" and forces us to follow. I thought she was going to hurl a Bible through the phone.

Let me explain. I just do not think God has a preset plan for people. It seems counterintuitive. Why would God give us intelligence and free-will just to turn around and force onto some

pre-determined path. No where in the Bible did God ever force someone to believe. People came to follow God's law choice. I see God as being about choice. God wants people to come to "him" a choose to love him. We can either choose to follow or not choose. The consequences of choices, good or bad, happen because of decisions we make. That is the beauty of it all. We get to choose...

Little Update

2009-09-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

- I start my new job on October 1st. I am excited. The best birthday gift during a recession: a job! I am going to be working with a non-profit doing a bit of everything. A little workforce enhancement, community development. Whatever they need me to do. So I am definitely ready to start working.

- My birthday is on October 1st. My gf has something planned for me. I do not know what it is but I know it will be good. She also has my gift already. I know where she hid it but I have not looked at it. I do not want to ruin the surprise. I know it will be better than my last birthday where I watched football at a bar on a Wednesday. Its all good.

- I have found a new show I like during my time of unemployment: The View. I actually like the show and I have been watching it avidly. I just like the discussions. My only complaint is that they invited Kate Gosselin on the show to guest host. She just sits there and does not say anything unless its about her

- This leads me to another complaint. I cannot stand Kate Gosselin. How can she be so upset if she mistreated her husband. If you ever saw the show "Jon & Kate Plus 8" you would know she treated Jon like poop. What do you expect? You treat someone badly and eventually they will leave. Its simple science.

Music of My Life Part 1

2009-08-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

Some friends were posting on Facbook various videos that brought back memories for them. That made me think this morning about all the music and music artists that had a big importance in my life. This collection will seem weird but it all makes sense. Well, at least to me it does.

Jon B. - Cool Relax

This was the first R&B album I ever bought. I was in middle school and I thought dude was so smooth. I never knew white dudes could be smooth like that. Even my mother liked this cd. I used to use his lines to try and mack on the girl down the street. I used to try and be slick and whisper them in her ear. It might sound wack but at the time it seemed right. I would strol down the street and sit real close while on her steps. Then I would whisper in her ear:

"Girl it's alright baby

'Cause it's there in your eyes yeah

I can see that you want meBy the way that you smile

Are you still down for me"

Sadly, it was never too successful.

Donell Jones - Where I Wanna Be

This is another R&B album that affected my middle school mind. I used to be able to sing when I was in middle school. Adolescence had not twisted and warped my voice. I had a decent singing voice and I used to sing this album around the house. I just thought it was so tight. I would play it over and over. I w

ould sing the lead single "Where I Wanna Be" in the shower, in school, walking down

the street. I would sing it anywhere. Little did I know that "Where I Wanna Be" would be a song that would play when I broke up with "her". Ehhh... it happens. Also recently, I was bumping the song "Shorty" while driving:

"Its a quarter past 3

Girl whats it gonna be

Shorty got her eyes on me"

Spice Girls

These chicks had my middle school hormones jumping. My childhood Polish friend David and

I used to argue about which one we would marry. No matter what anyone would say, Scary and Baby Spice were my favorites, Scary being the sexiest. I cant explain it.

Weird Al

This dude is the truth! All my friends thought I was weird when I started listening to him in 6th grade. I found him hilarious and witty. I just loved the music. And if you really listen, he can actually rap. I takes skill to do a "Ridin' Dirty" remix. I used to bump his music wherever I went. I had Weird Al cds and tapes!

Michael Jackson

2009-08-12T09:25:00.001-07:00

This is by a guy named J Smooth. He is a vlogger on youtube. I subscribe to his videos and watch them whenever he updates. He did something about Michael Jackson that I found touching. It is the most thoughtful summation of Michael Jackson's life I have heard.

Rambling Man

2009-08-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

- I should probably start blogging a bit more often. I know I say it every time I blog but I feel that way. I just get lazy and some days dont feel like turning my computer on.

- I got accepted into an Americorps program called Public Allies. I will be working with a community oragnization called WPNPC. I would be doing community development dealing with issues such as ex-offender employment, bringing businesses into the community, and housing rehab. It should be quite interesting.

- Living with the gf has been an interesting experience. I have learned that every battle is not worth fighting. Before saying something I always think "Is this something that I will think about in the morning?" If the answer is no, I just hold my tongue. Sometimes it is just not that serious.

- Sometimes my mother gets on my nerves. I love her to death but I feel thats he sometimes complains because she knows it irks me. Thus, i often just ignore her.

- Friday night I went to a high school classmate's birthday party. The guy was a kid that many people kind of ignored. I always loved him. I found him funny and intelligent. His little bday bbq started off slow but as the night wore on (i.e. he consumed more alcohol) it became more enjoyable. I am glad I went. It was a good time.

- I miss some bloggers like Wise. She never blogs anymore. Her blog entries were nice! I need to call her anyway. I have not talked to her in a while.

- Those town hall health care mobs are a set up by the right wing. Instead of debating it intelligently, they use some disrespectful means to make people scared. This is why citizens need to do their homework. This includes all of you reading. Do some research! If you disagree witht he administration, do so with some intelligence and class. Dont go mobbing politicians. That is not hot in the streets these days.

- Football season cannot start soon enough. GO RAVENS! The bad thing is that my gf is a Browns fan. I promise that I will not start any fights. Maybe I can bring her to the light....

Hustlemania

2009-07-22T10:03:00.000-07:00

I have been busting my chops this week. I had 2 interviews Monday, another one yesterday. I have one today and another on Thursday. It is all a part of the grind.

I have also been looking for a little part time job to do on the side. Any extra money would help. Even though the Americorps Program I got accepted in provides a forbearance on my loans, I would like to get started paying on them. Also, I am starting to try and plan for my next move in the future. Part of my mistake I made with my first job out of college (teaching) was that I thought it was secure. I know now that no matter what, no position I am in is guaranteed; even if I do my best. So I have been making moves to try and secure my future.

No matter what happens, I am gonna make it do what it do

Everyday

2009-07-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

Every night I say a prayer. In that prayer I ask God to allow me to wake up with all my faculties. Not so that I see the fruits of my labor, but so that my girlfriend will see the fruits of my labor. I ask God to allow me to do the things I need to do in order to provide a better way for us. This I pray for every night.

And so far, I have woken up with my head on straight. And everyday I work my plan in order to provide for my woman. I work hard and do what I am suppose to do.

I guess I say all of this because tomorrow I go off to meet my gf so we can move her stuff to Baltimore. I am not nervous or anxious. I am at peace. This is because I know I have tried my best to pave a way so that her adjustment is smooth. And that is what she expects from me: to try

PS: Im still Baltimore. I dont think I am fleeing to Puerto Rico. The girlfriend talked me out of it

Crisis

2009-06-24T04:30:00.001-07:00

I am at a point where I may just pack my shit and flee to Puerto Rico with one of my best friends. I am dead serious. I have lost my job, moved back home. The student loan people are hounding me. Job prospects looking blah. I am just not happy.

A few days ago my best friend Mari hit me up and told me she is moving to Puerto Rico. She is in a similar position I am in. Her job prospects are slim. Life just seems at a standall. She is moving down July 21 and she sent me an invite. Not only has she looked at apartments but she sent me a listing of jobs available down there.

I normally dont make decisions like this. My decisions tend to be well thought out. However, this is alluring. I have no kids, family, or home. No obligations are keeping me here in Baltimore.

Dont be surprised that the next time you hear from me it is from Puerto Rico.

Maxwell is Back!!!!

2009-05-19T14:36:00.001-07:00

I am so happy to see that Maxwell has returned! I really like this song. I have been playing it a lot the past few days. Maxwell has cut his hair but he seems to not have lost a step with the music. I have all of his albums and for a second I thought he was on permanent hiatus. The rumor is that he will be releasing 3 albums over the next 3 years. If he does that, I will not complain at all. First you have Robin Thicke's album now Maxwell is back. Maybe good R&B is not dead....

Best I Ever Had

2009-05-11T07:34:00.001-07:00

Drake - Best I Ever Had

I love this song. It has been on constant rotation on my playlist. I hear it and it makes me miss my girlfriend. I do wish it could have been a little more romantic. However, that may just be me getting old lol! I hope you enjoy it.

5 Year Reunion

2009-05-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

I had my 5 year high school reunion this weekend. I went to a private Quaker school here in Baltimore. There were several surprises:

1. I actually like my classmates

Seriously, I thought when I graduated, there would only be a few people I would like. I thought my classmates were immature (Im sure they felt the same about me). However sitting with them Saturday, I had a realization: they have turned out to be really good people. I really believe my classmates to be good folk. I would actually call them up for a drink just for fun. They turned out into some genuine, nice, caring people. I was surprised and just felt glad I went to my reunion.

2. Several of my female classmates look good

My female classmates are attractive. I was surprised. I knew we had some lookers but it seems like they have just gotten better with age. I am very surprised. Me and some of the fellas were definitely caught staring. There was one classmate who went to Howard. I was dancing with her and it caught me by surprise. I whispered in her ear, "You must have learned some new tricks at Howard.". She smiles and said 'I taught some tricks at Howard". I left well enough alone. I am going to keep it simple: My female classmates are lucky I have a girlfriend.

3. Many of them stayed local

I figured most of my classmates would have been spread across the country. In high school, they seemed to be the wandering type. The broke struggling artist who roams city to city. Not at all. Most are right here in Baltimore. I am surpised by that

Overall, I really like how my class has turned out. I am soooooo glad I went to the reunion.

PS: Check out the blog C-Nel and I share, Two Brothers

Monotony

2009-04-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

My life has gotten quite boring lately. At work, my routine is exactly the same. Plan, teach, eat lunch, teach, go home. After I leave work, I go to the gym. I come back from the gym, cook dinner, watch CNN. I will talk to the gf for a while then go to sleep.

Is this what being an adult is all about? This blows. I need some excitement, some adventure. Where is an earthquake when you need one?!?! I need something to happen to break this monotony! It is killing me! Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!

The Wonder Years

2009-04-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks are starting to stress me. I am trying to find a job and it is requiring more patience than a little bit.

But I recently downloaded a series called "The Wonder Years". I am sure some of you are familiar with it. It is about a middle school-aged boy in suburbia during the late '60s. The main character's name is Kevin Arnold. He talks about everything from girls, to his family, to his fear of growing up.

I have realized that the show is legitimately the shiznit! I love it. During my lunch breaks I watch an episode or two. The show really captures the feeling of suburbia. How isolated it was from the rest of the nation. But the show also captures the awkwardness of being a middle school boy. It made me realize I was really an awkward kid. I had low self-esteem and I was timid. I had no control over my body. I would randomly trip and fall. I was definitely not athletic and girls definitely did not like me.

But I would like to think I turned out pretty well.

PS: I just saw Lorenz Tate on an epsiode!!! He was soooooooooooooo young!! No one told me he was on the Wonder Years!!!

In My Life

2009-03-29T11:06:00.000-07:00

Things have been coming along ok. I am still looking for a job. I have a few promising leads. However, it is hard to be patient when I do not know what is coming next. It is very difficult. Thus, there are days that I feel frustrated and upset because I have not gotten a phone call or email. I know I have to be patient but is sure is not easy.

Teaching has become frustrating. It is rewarding in many ways but it is definitely frustrating. There are days I come home and just want to sleep. I don't want to eat, I don't want to watch tv; just sleep. I wonder if I am even reaching the kids. There are plenty of days I question whether I even want to continue. Switching to the non-profit industry is something I am considering. I believe that my skills and abilities may fit that industry better. Who knows...

Also, I am now a contrubuting writer for another blog called Brother's Man Law. Check it out and leave some comments. My first entry is there so leave some love.

Exercise!!

2009-03-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

Today I went on my first run in a super super long time (first since high school football). I ran 2.5 miles today! I feel like Rocky. I can take on the world!!!

Me and the gf have set up a challenge for ourselves. We are going to try and run 100 miles by the end of her semester. We will log our miles and by the end of the semester we should have 100 miles. I know I can do it. I will keep you up to date!

Lesson Learned

2009-03-12T09:31:00.000-07:00

Story:

I am currently back at my old college. It's spring break so I decide to travel back to Erie. Last night, me and a few friends decide to hit up the old campus bar. The special was 50 cent well drinks. That was something no one would ever turn down.

It was a rough night.

I had fun but I had one too many. I knew I had one too many when I fell down the steps. I normally dont drink cheap liquor (Bankers' Club vodka was the well vodka). But I fell down the steps and felt embarrassed!! I have never done that before. Once I fell, I took my behind home. I knew it was time to go.

Lesson Learned:

Need to improve my balance. Cheap alcohol does not mean I need to drink as much as possible

Moving Forward: The Job Search

2009-03-05T09:36:00.000-08:00

In late January/ early February, I found out that my contract at the school I am at is not being renewed. Thus, I have been looking for a new job. I am looking in the non-profit and education sector.

Someone recommended me to apply for an Executive Director position for a non-profit organization here in Baltimore. I received an email stating they are interested. It is an organization that I am familiar with. I love the work that they do. I believe in their mission with my whole heart. The pay is nice. It puts in a field that I have always wanted to be in. I love doing non-profit work.

It is with great humility that I am going to decline the offer to apply. I looked at the qualifications and the responsibilities. I have been doing some work for years in the non-profit field. However, I do not have enough professional experience to think that I could be Executive Director.

Now, it is hard to admit that there is something I cannot do. I really truly believe that I can do anything I set my mind to. However, I do not have the experience necessary to be able to do that organization a great service. I would be in way over my head. If I would be an Executive Director, I need to work my way up. I do not want to use the connections I have to get in. I believe I would fail at this position. So I am declining it. I need the job, but I realize that I do not want to ruin a beautiful organization.

Life As it Is

2009-03-04T08:57:00.000-08:00

I am well. I really have not too many complaints. My job is not stressing me. My love life is good. Friends and family are cool. I have nothing to complain about. But here are just some random things:

I am excited for the new Terminator movie coming out in May! I saw the trailer and felt siked!

I am also excited for the new Transformers movie too!

If they are going on this whole relics from my childhood, why not make a Thunder Cats movie. Thunder Cats Hoooooo!!!

I went 24 hours without watching the news last week. I felt so lost when I finally got around to watching some news. I cannot do that again. I might just die

I was not a youtube junkie until recently. I have subscribed to J-Smooth, who is a hip-hop video blogger. His videos are deep. His name on youtube is illdoc1. I think I have actually seen all the video he has posted, mostly while at work lol.

The Mafia Wars application on Facebook has me hooked! I get to be a gangster and not worry about getting shot! It is a dream come true!

On my way to work one day, this crazy evangelical woman approached me. She asked me if I kill babies. I was confused. I guess she was talking about abortion so I told her it is not possible, I am male. She proceeded to tell me that the Lord was going to strike me down if I dont believe or go to church (I know, had nothing to do with her earlier question. I dont ask questions about crazy people). I told her thats not possible. I told her that God gets a rash everytime I come into his house. She left me alone.

Chuuuuuuch!!

2009-02-16T04:30:00.000-08:00

I am not much of a churchgoing fellow. I go about 3-4 times a year (never on Christmas or Easter). Also, I am not the biggest gospel music fan. I hate to say it, but I just do not be feeling it.

However, there is one gospel song that hits me hard. Whenever I hear it, I feel choked up. The song called "I Need You To Survive". I remember the first time I heard it...

I was visiting my friend Jessica once during my junior year. I did not want to spend the weekend in Erie so I went to visit her at Pitt-Johnstown. Plus, she asked me to come see her sing at her church. I told her I am allergic to Jesus. She laughed and said that comment was even more reason to come.

After spending the weekend drinking and attempting to fornicate with her friends, I go to church with her. Jessica, being a white girl, went to the most Black church I have EVER been in. It felt like I was in Atlanta, not northern PA.

So the chorus gets up and starts to sing. And they start singing the song. I feel slightly emotional as I hear the words. As the chorus continues to sing, I get even more emotional as I sit and listen. I feel myself start to shed a tear. I quietly, in this church, start to weep slightly. I bowed my head and felt myself connect to God. On the inside I guess I felt myself open up. I was receptive to the message of the song. It really seemed to fit how I view my relationships with other people and God

I never "caught" the Spirit before. I always thought it was fake. But I guess for me, maybe that was a moment I caught it. Maybe for me, the Spirit is not dancing and shouting. The Spirit is a quiet opening of my heart to the message being shared. It is a introspective, reflective moment in which I feel that God has spoken to me. I do not feel extreme joy. I don't speak in tongues and break dance in church. I feel open and receptive. I feel as if God had spoken to me.

Big Ups

2009-02-12T05:49:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to let you all know that recently I was a winner of a poetry contest! It was called the "Lyrical Bullets" contest held by a writer and artist whose blog I read (check it out here). I am definitely excited! It is a bright spot in my rough life here is the poem that was selected as a winner

The Most Terrible Voice

The most terrible voice there is...
Silence.
Silence is an act of violence vilified by the fact that it keep me from writing.
With silence ever present, probing, and penetrating my mind,
Motion of clear thoughts cease.
Creativity is chased from my head,
Haunted by the most terrible voice there is...
Silence.

Welcome To Real Life

2009-02-09T08:14:00.000-08:00

" I hate to have these kind of meetings. I do not want you to take this personally. I really do like you. You are a great person. I have to let you know that the school is not renewing your contract for next year."

I just stared at him and kept my professional smile up all the while feeling like I was just hit in the chest with a hammer. I nodded my head in understanding, but not really understanding.

" We will talk later about specific reasons. I think you need time to adjust."

I again just nodded my head in assent. Why not tell me now and get the closure now? Why wait?

Rising out of the chair, I shook his hand and walked out the office. I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. There was a sense of relief. While I love teaching and all that it entails, this school year has been rough. There is no other way to put it. I have had several issues to deal with. I personally felt that my learning curve was not that great. I put in tons of effort but I did not get the results. This was partially due to me but there were some things I cannot control.

So walking to lunch I kept my head held high. I have no clue what I am doing next. I am ok with that...

Fighting Fair

2009-02-01T17:19:00.000-08:00

"Growing up is not a straight line, but a series of advances and retreats" - Kevin Arnold of The Wonder Years.

The gf and I got into an argument recently. I was upset by something she said and we started arguing. However, the argument went from me being mad to us arguing about how I argue.

My gf stated that I am condescending when we fight. She says that the way I talk to her is as if I talk to her like one of my students. It is as if she cannot possibly understand my point of view. She says it sounds as if it is either my way or no way.

Now, I try not to be that way. I try to stay calm while fighting. I try not to accuse. I try to fight fair. Yet I see I still have to improve. With other relationships, I would openly express how I felt without consideration of my words. I guess in my effort to remain calm, it has turned to sounding condescending.

I do not want her to think I do not value her opinion. I really do. I often ask for her advice (which is something I have always struggled with). Her advice has become precious to me. I love when she expresses her opinion and I value it. I told her that. I now know that I need to work on fighting fair. Making sure that I express my opinion without downgrading hers.

Just A Little Ticked...

2009-01-29T08:06:00.000-08:00

I believe that my coworkers and me have finished our honeymoon period. Here is the situation.

First, my job has a special situation. It provides housing for the vast majority of the faculty. Thus, not only do we work together we also live in the same apartment building. This means that we share professional lives and private lives.

Recently, a line has been crossed. I had a female friend stay with me for a few days. I introduced her to my coworkers and and all of us went to dinner.

The problem came later.

After my friend left, my coworkers start asking questions about if I had slept with her. Now my friend is attractive. I didn't sleep with her so thats what I told them. They started giving me the side eye. I could care less. I know the truth so I did not even stunt what they were saying.

Fast forward to Tuesday night.

We are all out at a bar. We were there for about several hours. Everyone was starting to feel good. I know I was a little buzzed. We were talking about what sexual chemistry. Now, one coworker said that he has to feel something. I said sexual chemistry has nothing to do with love. It has to do with how comfortable people are with themselves and thus their willingness to explore. I said I know this from experience. The wife of a coworker was surprised and told me I shouldn't say that. I told her "their opinion of me is not important. I do not do things and feel ashamed. I do not hide. Their judgment does not matter". People gave me a look.

It is true. I have only known these people for 6 months. I have friends who support and love me. My coworkers are not the only people I spend time with.

Later, one of my coworkers started to talk trash a little bit. He is from Long Island and he always gets a little rough when he drinks. So he starts to bring up my friend. Now that I had a little drink in my system, I was peeved. So I told him this: "I answer only to God, my mom, and my girlfriend. Fuck the rest of you".

I was pissed because they keep bringing this up. I still am a little pissed. First of all, quit accusing me, especially if you are only assuming. I am innocent. Secondly, man-law states that you do not put yourself in the relationship of another man. One of my best friends cheated and we did not talk about it until he felt willing to vent. You just do not involve yourself in someone else's relationship. This makes me want to keep a little distance with them. if I need someone to judge me, I will ask

Brooklyn Girl/ Day n Night

2009-01-17T05:10:00.000-08:00

Here are two songs that I have been bumping recently from some artists who are not quite famous yet.

This dude is Charles Hamilton. I "created" a remix to it called "Cleveland Girls". I dedicated it to the gf who is from Cleveland and to all my friends who are from Cleveland. I have several of Charles Hamilton's mixtapes. They are definitely hot.

This is Kid Cudi. His song does not have an official video but there are several remixes already. I prefer the original. This joint would have me in club dancing, eben though the lyrics are depressing.

What I Have Been Up To

2009-01-13T09:48:00.001-08:00

I have not blogged in a while. Let me update you on my life:

Love Life:
I spent the week of New Years with the gf. We had a blast! It was a great time. We went into Cleveland and did it up for New Years. I enjoyed this trip.

We made a decision and it is solid. She is moving in with me this summer. Once she graduates, she is moving to Baltimore. I am sooooooooo excited. We are in the process of finding a job for her. She wants to do something in education. Thus, at the end of February, she is attending an independent schools job fair in Baltimore. So we are making moves to make this thing happen.

Work:
My students are insane but I love them dearly. I treat them as if they are my own sons. My classroom has been getting better. There is a steady improvement that has been showing up. I am definitely happy.

Things I Hate About Christmas

2008-12-21T08:56:00.000-08:00

I am not a Christmas person. I dislike Christmas, truly dislike it. Here's why:

1. I hate Christmas music

Christmas music makes me want to hide my head in the sand. I cannot stand it. It is so corny. Christmas music is too mushy and happy-go-lucky I just cannot do it. It seems, however, that my friends do not take my dislike of Christmas music seriously. Every year someone sends me a music if Christmas music. I do not throw gifts away so all it does is sits in my desk and collects dust.

2. The Christmas Tree

Who the hell wants a fire hazard sitting in their living room. Throw in the messy needles and I am not a fan of this at all.

3. Gift Giving

This is the mot stressful part of the whole thing. First, there is the stress of buying or making something that someone will actually appreciate. You have to make sure the gift is something they like. Then, you have the actual going to the stores to get the gift. Long lines, cranky people, dreadful weather; its not for me. I hate doing it. Yet, every year I drag my ass out to get gifts because of the societal pressure by friends/family/girlfriend to participate.

4. The Snow

Another reason I hate Christmas: it never snows on Christmas in Baltimore. Just once in my life I would like to wake up and there be white stuff on the ground. I never got one of those traditional snowy Christmas. I have been deprived of the best childhood pleasure. Damn Baltimore!!

The Way Life Goes

2008-12-15T09:34:00.000-08:00

Let me update you all:

Holiday Party
The gym I (rarely) attend hosted a holiday party (No, Sheila Dixon was not there. Read the last post to understand). It was crazy fun! Here are two reasons: free alcohol, free food. Any place that has those two things, I AM THERE!! So this woman hits on me the moment I walk in the building. She goes, "You are looking sexy tonight. Purple is definitely your color". I just smile, say thank you, and keep it moving.

All night I was on the dance floor. My coworkers are not much for dancing but I was getting my groove in. I found me several attractive women to dance with. I do not know how many times I electric slided my partially drunk behind across the floor. My (white) coworkers just watched from the side until they became drunk enough to feel comfortable. I danced my night away. It was really fun.

I have no photos. My camera batteries died and I forgot to charge them.

Weekend
Friday night was quiet. I spent it talking to the gf on the phone. We talked for like 4 hours. It was because we do not do that often. I get up too early during the week to stay on the phone forever. I really enjoyed that time with her.

Saturday my friend D, several coworkers hit the town. We hung out at a bar near Hopkins. I sang some karaoke. Then we went to a place called the 13th Floor. It is a club on 13th floor of a hotel called the Belvedere. On Saturdays they have a live salsa band. It was nice. I also salsed my way across the floor. The next time the gf is here, I am going to take her there. It is really nice. There is a great view of the city, The drinks are a little expensive, so before I take the gf, we will just pregame elsewhere.

Sunday, I went and played basketball. I had to get some exercise in. I do need to lose a little weight. The doctor told me to start exercising a little more. To be honest, I have been slacking. It is really hard to incorporate exercise in my daily routine. I come home from work exhausted and not feeling like doing anything. That gives me a hige excuse. But starting today, i am going to try and hit the gym at least 2 times a week. I am going to start off small. I may also do push-ups and sit-ups at home in the morning. I will update you on that one

A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

2008-12-11T06:11:00.001-08:00

I snuck back to my place from work so I can blog. I am having a good day. I woke up feeling like a champ. A million dollar baby right here!!! Nothing can take me down! Nothing. Nada. Nihil (that's Latin for ya lol). Kids want to get rowdy in my class? BOOM!! Drop kick to the face! Coworker wants to give me the stink eye? THROAT CHOP*!!!! Ok, maybe I cannot do all that. But as U2 says, ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!

Tonight is the holiday party at my gym. I have a membership at the Merritt Downtown Athletic Club provided to me for free by my school. Its a very chic gym. Our fine mayor, Sheila Dixon works out there. If given the opportunity, I would kick her in the vag. This woman would sell Tuesday in order to get a fur coat.... anyways. They have a holiday party every year and it is open bar and free for all members. I am going to go and sneak into the VIP section.

Why you may ask.

I AM GETTING ARAB MONEY!!!

*Throat chop brought to you in part by Humanity Critic*

Hurt

2008-12-09T16:41:00.001-08:00

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

Johnny Cash - Hurt

Her cheating hurts me. I am working to deal with it emotionally. Here is how

I try to limit myself to thinking about it for 10 minutes a day. I let myself get upset and pissed for 10 minutes and then try to move on. Is it easy? No. Do I go over my alotted minutes Yes. But I try not to let her dishonesty be what I focus on when I deal with our relationship.

When I am feeling bad, I do not call her. There are moments when talking to her reminds of what happens. It does not occur every time we talk. However, when it does occur, I will get off the phone. Then I give myself some time to think, meditate, and relax. There are just moments when I do not need to hear from her.

Whenever we talk about what happen, I only talk about it when I am in a good mood. I will not whenever I have a dark moment. This helps me be logical and reasonable. Talking about this when I am pissed will make me fittin' to kill some body.

There is one thing I should do but for some reason I cannot: get rid of the AIM log files. That is how I verified that she cheated. I looked on her AIM log files. I need to stop reading them but I can't. I feel an urge to know how deep this went. She told me the gist but I needed the details. I needed to know everything. And every time I look at the conversations, I relive all the pain. It is so self-inflicted. I know I should not look but I cannot help it. I need to know. I just need to know...

Sunday Morning

2008-12-07T08:59:00.000-08:00

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning

This morning is a good one. I have my oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast. It is warm in my apartment. I have no errands to run. Today is my sit down day. I am loving it.

Enjoy your Sunday everyone!

A Letter of Love and Courage

2008-11-23T15:47:00.000-08:00

To The Woman I Love:

You cheated on me. You committed the most heinous act that one could commit in a relationship: you had an affair with another man. And at this moment, I feel a pain inside that I never thought you would cause. I feel hurt because I would do my damnedest to never do such a thing to you. I feel betrayed. You straight up lied to me. When asked if being around him would be a problem, you told me nothing was wrong. You told me never to worry about this person. But it was all a lie. How could you do that to me? We had plans of you moving in my place with me. We were going to create a life together. Maybe not married, but our relationship was suppose to grow deeper and move onto a path where we could consider that type of future. Yet, you put that all in danger. Just for a few moments for reasons you never made clear, you threw it away

I have done my part. I stayed faithful through many drunk nights at the bar. I stayed faithful through having an ex throw herself at me. I have stayed faithful living alone and knowing that I could cheat and you would never find out. Because when I became your man, I made a vow. I promised you I would never go out of my way to hurt you. I have held true. My faith in you and love for you have never wavered.

And through all of this, I want to be with you. When you told me what you did, all I could think about is how to make it better. There has to be a way to make our relationship stronger I thought. I truly believe, even in my moment of pain, that I love you and want to be you.

In order for this to work, you must teach me to trust you again. Make me believe in you. Make me believe that you believe in us. I need to be able to trust you. Right now, you have planted doubt in me. When I hear you say "I love you", a voice in my head questions it. Whenever you send me a text message saying you are thinking of me, I wonder if its true.

I am moving to forgive you. Love is forgiving; it does not hold grudges. In time, I will heal. But you must get me to trust you again. You must.

What It All Means.....

2008-11-04T20:17:00.000-08:00

This man, Barack Obama, has been chosen by the American people to be our president. At this moment, I am still having trouble fathoming what that all means to me. I am still in shock. I still have a high, euphoric feeling. But I took some time today to reflect on what it means.

We have no excuse.

We now have no excuse. We have no excuse for not reaching our potential. Now, Barack Obama's election does not mean that racism and prejudice has ceased to exist. But what it does mean is that DESPITE racism and prejudice we can achieve anything we set our minds to. Black people have demonstrated, through Barack Obama, that there is no power on this planet that can keep us down. Racism and prejudice only has the power to suppress us if we allow it.

We have no excuse

Now it is time for us to step up. We must not only continue to attack and fight injustice. We must look within ourselves and see if we are doing our best everyday. Barack has demonstrated that we have overcame a lot. Just 43 years ago, Blacks could not vote. Blacks had to eat separately from whites. We had to sit in the back. Look at a white person the wrong way, that could be the last look you make. Just 43 years ago.

We have no excuse

Last night we have demonstrated that in 43 years, we can go from having no rights to being the leader of the free world. We are a resilient people. We are strong in heart and spirit. Now, we must fulfill our potential. We must inhabit the greatness that has been demonstrated last night.

We have no excuse

My Faith

2008-10-21T14:24:00.000-07:00

Someone was surprised when they heard that I am a spiritual person. And I am not surprised this person felt this way.

My faith is a very personal experience. It is not something that I express openly. I often do not go to church (I am very disillusioned because of the experiences I have had). However when I do go on the rare occasion, I often spend the service with my head bowed, praying on my own and ignoring the sermon. I do not feel the Holy Spirit in some of the ways that others do. I do not shout or spazz. When I do feel it, it is more of a calm call that God has put in my heart. It is often a call that moves me to improve my relationship with my fellow man. There is a drive or impetus that moves me to do something. The Holy Spirit is a call to action

I also do not talk about what I pray for when I pray. That is a private conversation that I have. Even when I pray it is a private occasion. I do not recite any words. I say whatever I have to say in my heart. It is never something that I write or share.

With others, I talk about faith. However, it is in different terms. It is always related to how I view religion's purpose in modern times. I always discuss how I view the relationship between religion, spirituality, and science. No one asks me the deeper questions about my faith. But I feel I do not need to make a public declaration. I guess because that relationship between God and me is always evolving. So explaining it would be hard.

But surprise surprise, I am a spiritual person.

Hook Me Up

2008-10-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

"Magister*, my mother is 28."

I stare at the student who told me this. In my mind, I am hoping he is not thinking what I think he is thinking.

"My mom is also single. You should ask her out on a date. You are a nice guy and my mom likes nice guys"

I do not respond at all. I do not even know how to respond. I am flattered that the kids think that I am a good person. I know many of them look up to me. Often, they imitate me. Many of them have picked up my morning ritual of drinking tea in the morning.

However, me boning their mother will not get them an A. Not at all. I also like my job enough that I do not want to get fired for boning a parent. Many of the parents are sexy and some have even made a few passes. All I do when the parents do that is just smile.

" Magister is going to break that back! Hahahahaha! Magister is going to be your step daddy! He is going to be walking around your house naked drinking tea and eatiing pop tarts!" one 7th grade student yells. The entire 7th grade erupts. Many of the students make thrusting motions. Pandemonium ensues. It takes a few minutes for me to get them quiet.

"Thank you for the offer but I am going to have to say no. I think that would be in appropriate." It is all I can think of to say.

"I am going to tell my mom to come see you."

*magister is Latin for teacher

I Hate To Admit...

2008-10-05T11:06:00.001-07:00

Here are 5 things that I hate to admit about myself but I know are true. This should be an interesting list.

1. I am always right
This I hear from my best friend Cnel. He says that I know everything and that I believe I am always right. We had a debate about some issues recently (He is more conservative than I am. He is Bill Cosby to my Huey Newton) and he brought that point up. I disagreed but in my heart of heart I know its true. However, I do believe it has gotten better the more mature I have gotten.

2. I am stubborn
This goes right along with the first one. If someone tries to force me to do something, I will do the total opposite, just to be an ass. It is not one of my nicer qualities at all. I have frustrated many a girlfriend with that. One specific ex still talks about it. This is something that has vastly improved with the current girlfriend. She said so the last time I talked to her :-)

Tangent
Women, praise your men. When they do something or improve on a bad habit, praise them. We really like feeling as if our efforts are appreciated. It makes us continue to improve when we see that you notice those changes.

3. I have trust issues with women
I have no clue why this is so. I cannot recall a woman who has done something terribly dishonest to me. I have not been cheated on (as far as I know). Yet, there are times when I find myself doubting the fidelity of the person I am with. My girlfriend nor any girlfriend I have had has ever done anything suspicious. But in the back of my mind, a thought will pop up. A little seed of doubt. It may only show for a second yet I feel bad when it comes up. I do not start checking email accounts or anything.

4. I am not athletically-gifted at all
I have played sports since middle school. I love sports and enjoyed playing them. Yet never has anyone called me athletically-gifted. As much as I try to talk a good game about my physical prowess on any playing field or in a ring, I am not gifted at all. I get by on effort and hustle when it comes to athletics. The only sport I have done where I could even remotely be honest and call myself gifted is boxing. I had good footwork, quick hands and could take a punch. Other than that, I have been fronting my whole life.

5. I may never grow a full face of hair
I truly what to have a beard. I really do. But as of now, I cannot grow one. There are kids in high school who grow more facial hair than me! So sad. No one wonder the parents of my students confuse me with other students.

Today is....

2008-10-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! I am 22 and I love life. It gets no better!!

Shout out to all my family and friends. You are the best. I always remember that there is hope in the unseen.

Welcome To The Good Life

2008-09-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

Today I realized something:

I am happy.

I am happy with my life at this point. This is for several reasons. First, I am in good health. I have no major health issues. My mind is working properly. Secondly, I have great friends and family. Those people always support me. They check me when I am wrong, celebrate when I am right. I support them to the best of my ability and they do the same for me. Third, I love my job. It is great. I come home tired many days but I am happy. The students I teach are passionate about what they are learning. The guys keep me on my toes. My faculty is very supportive of me being new. They give me tips all of the time.

Things are great and I cannot complain. Being 21 and happy is rare. I am going to enjoy it.

September 11

2008-09-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

And can we please have a moment of truth?
For soldiers and troops away with helmets and boots
And families back home who pray they make it home safe
Hopin' that they don't get hit with a stray or missiles
This is just a moment to let you all know that we miss you
Mommy I'm still here, wishin' I was there with you
Let's take a moment

As day comes and night falls
For the rest of our life we'll miss y'all
And even though life must go on, we'll still mourn
While wishin' y'all were home

Nas - Just A Moment

I reflect about the lesson that September 11th taught me. This is the lesson:

We must stay vigilant

We must stay vigilant. On Sept. 11th, we were caught sleeping. Your average citizen never even had a premonition about a tragedy as close as devastating as this. No one in government expected this to happen. There were no preparations made in case of a situation like this. That is unacceptable.

But as citizens, we must be vigilant. What does this entail? This means that we must watch over our government. We must hold them accountable for their actions, or lack thereof. As citizens, our right to vote can be used as the greatest checks and balance in our government. In the end, we can force, cajole, and convince government officials to change their governing behavior.

But this requires a lot on our part. It requires that we educate ourselves on how our government works. We need to know how it functions in order to participate effectively. We also need to educate ourselves on what our congressmen, state congressman, mayors, governors, etc believe in. The easiest way to do this: look at how the govern, not what they say. Look at how your city council votes. Know that your US Senator voted for or against an updated GI Bill. Know if he only voted present or actually placed a real yes or no vote. The public has done itself a disservice by not being educated. How can we hold people accountable if we dont even know what they doing??

Secondly, we must vote! We must vote! WE MUST VOTE! This is how we let the government know we are vigilant. The only way they keep doing what the people ask is when they know the people are watching. You must actively participate in order to see the change you want. And the easiest way to do this is to vote.

Sept 11th has shown us the need to be vigilant. Our government must be able to provide our security without removing our freedoms (that's even if we have those). And our citizenry must stay awake, must be watching in order to guarantee that this happen. I am vigilant, watching my government. I will hold it accountable for the mistakes it makes by using my way of balancing the power:voting. Never again will it find me asleep. I hope that goes the same for you.

Teacher Man Tired

2008-09-09T17:22:00.000-07:00

The first 2 weeks of teaching have been great. I like it a lot.

But to be honest, I suck at it. Lets keep it real. I am good at keeping the kids excited and interested. They love my class. They like me. They run around speaking in Latin all day. Yet I need to work on my organization. I have not had this 3rd week planned out as well so I have been winging it and will continue to do so for this week. This weekend I am grinding and planning my next 2 weeks. This way I can get it together. Its really my fault and I was not up on it. Now my principal will be in my class Thursday. Thus, I am going to have to be at my best. He expects there to be some mistakes but I dont want to look like a screw up.

My sleep has been shitty For the past 3 days. Monday I slept for only 3 hours. I cannot explain it. This cannot keep happening. My job requires that I sleep well. I need to be able to keep up with the kids. I am going to go to bed earlier than I normally do and see if that helps.

Now that I reread this, this entry is quite negative. Maybe I will have better news later this week.

Buy You A Drank

2008-09-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

This is Jesse McCartney doing a cover of one of my favorite drinking songs, "Buy U A Drank". He e looks like a midget Robin Thicke in this video. Is he even old enough to drink??

Its Been A Long Time...

2008-08-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

I have been away from this blog for a minute and much has happened. Let me catch you up:

Love Life:

Things are good with the gf. I visited her for a week in her hometown. The visit overall went well. I had an issue with the mother. She was rude to me. But her mother shaped up and things worked themselves out. I miss the girlfriend I cannot wait to see her again.

Professional Life:

My first day of school was today!! It went well. I over planned for it all but all went well. The kids like me. I did not have a heart attack. I cannot wait to do it again tomorrow. Life is good.

However, I need to work on making it to meetings on time. I still struggle with that.

One of the moms hollered at me on the low at orientation. She snuck and got my number. She asked me to tutor her son. But she played it as she wanted me to but did not want to disturb or take up my time. I was polite and said it would not take up any time at all. Then she whipped out her pen and took down my number. The woman gave me a hug and switched really hard as she walked away. It was at that moment I realized she got me. I hope she loses my number and does not call.

Other random bits:
- The apartment is starting to look nice. I will have to put some pictures up.
- I cannot get this T-Pain song out of my head, "Can't Believe It" I hum it even in class.
- I need to get my damn license. The school asked about it and I need to get that ish together.
- My external hard drive broke and I am about to have a heart attack. I need my pictures!!

Gnarls Barkley - Its Not You

2008-08-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share this video with you. I like the song and the visual works for it. Enjoy!!

Handling Business

2008-07-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

I am curious:

Are there any bloggers who own their own business?? Do you know of any. If you do, please let me know in the comments section.

I was reading blogs today and that thought just struck me. I am pretty sure that there plenty of blogger entrepreneurs. I am just curious to see what people are doing.

The Girlfriend Visit

2008-07-22T15:51:00.000-07:00

The girlfriend visit went really really well. She had fun, I had fun so I cannot complain. I brought her to work and she sat in on my classes. The kids were curious but they did not say much. The gf thinks that I am strict. I have to be though because I am young. I have to earn the respect of the kids. She loved the activities and the logic problems that I gave in class. Friday we went to my mom's house. Saturday, we went out with some of my co-workers. Sunday we went to Six Flags. I am glad she visited.

I did realize something: I cannot live with a female. I cannot do it. I can do a roommate but not a girlfriend. It is just too close. That is someone in my space, my personal "bubble". As much as I love the gf, when she graduates and decides where to move, I hope she does not want to move in. I would love for her to be in Baltimore, but not living in my apartment. Thats too close. I do not like to share my space.

This week made me realize it. There was not specific event or anything, I just do not think I am at that point. I may just be one of those people who does not do well sharing with others. Or, I may not be at a place where I can completely open up to someone. My maturity level is not there yet. My gf knows a vague sketch of my life but very little details. I guess having her here made me realize that I still have some character issues to work out. I have to get better with sharing. It is sad that I share with strangers better than girlfriends...

I know what it is: investment. I find it easier to share with strangers because there is no emotional investment. I have not invested any love and care when I give to tot. Yet, with gf, there is a lot of investment. I got with her at a time when I let go of a lot pussy. I invested in her when I knew I was graduating and leaving school. I asked her out 3 times and she made me wait. I am trying to make it work. And her visit has shown me that with all that investment, I am scared to be hurt. I am still vulnerable. My feelings can be hurt. I can give to her and get hurt if she does not share or feel the same way. So I guess her being here put me on the defensive (It does not help that my mother mentions her and loves and adores her). Her being here made me feel like she was encroaching on my space.

To be honest, I know it does not make sense. All I know is her being her and us kind of discussing the future scared the shit out me.

Update

2008-07-11T11:06:00.000-07:00

Here is what has been going on:

Teaching

I am really enjoying teaching. This is great. My boys are enthusiastic about learning. They participate whenever it is possible. I am loving it. That does not mean they are perfect, but it could be worse.

Teaching math is not as bad as I thought it would be (Over the summer I teach math, during the year Latin). I really struggled with math as a student. Yet, I find it easy to teach. I teach the kids to go slowly and methodically. That way they do not make as many mistakes.

Relationship

That is going surprisingly well. The distance has not been too much of a problem. I miss my girlfriend but the normal issues that come up with long distance have not reared their ugly head. I know they may eventually come up but all is well. The big problem is that I do not like sleeping by myself. I really dont. I guess I will have to get used to it.

Plus she is coming to visit for a week on Tuesday!! I am sooooooooooooo happy!!! I miss my lady. Plus, now that I have my own place, she can see it and stay here! I may have to put a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign on my apartment door. But Artscape is happening while she is here. So we will have a good time.

Family

My younger brother is getting his act together. He moved back into the house, found a GED program, and is now looking for work. All this in one week. He left because he could not respect my mother;s house. So he had to go. He stayed with a friend and HATED it. He practically begged to come home. I guess being on his own taught him a lesson: Get your shit together. We all learn at different speeds but eventually we learn

New Job Lessons

2008-07-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

I started teaching Monday. I have learned a whole lot in the past two days. It is quite an experience. Here are some of the things I have learned so far

"Just remember that you know more than they do" - advice from a coworker
Structure is important for the kids. They really want and need it.
The mothers will flirt. Just say hi and smile
The kids think that I am older than I am.
They still attempt to treat me like I am a sibling
Kids actually believe in you.

There are alot more but I cannot think. This is really going well. I am enjoying myself. I really am. Today they asked me to play basketball. I did not play an actual game. I just took a few shots and they were amazed. I like most of the kids. I actually like them all, I just don't like some of the behaviors they display. One is really sarcastic so I had to take away his recess.

"The most important lesson I learned today was that leaving your hands in your pocket when dealing with police will get you shot" - one of my students talking to his classmate during lunch about my class

On My Own

2008-06-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

Here are pictures of my new place. I have a studio apartment in downtown Baltimore. I love it. I just love being downtown. The neighborhood is Mount Vernon. It has a hippy-ish feel to it. But I am glad I can call it home.

Here is the larger room in the studio apartment.
It is my living/bedroom. Ima hook it up.

This is going to be the mini-dining room in my apartment.

This is the kitchen.

This is my bathroom. I keep it basic.

I really like the apartment. I do. What I like the most is that it is mine. If you want to visit, let me know. Guest are appreciated!!

The only problem I have is that the ceiling is too high. I cannot put the stripper pole up. I guess I will have to build a stage for it.

The Girlfriend Situation

2008-06-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

I think I may have mentioned it before. I have a girlfriend, significant other, or whatever you want to call it. We have been together since Valentine's Day. She actually asked me out!

I just wanted to share something with you all. I woke up today and saw that I received a text message. It was a message from my girlfriend. She had sent it around 8am. Here is what it said:

" Good morning sweetheart. There is a heat advisory in your area. Its gonna be 100 degrees in Bmore so be careful. Love you have a great day."

That message made me smile. It was so thoughtful of her. She actually took the time too look up the weather and send me a message. I never asked her to do it or anything. She just cares that much. It may not seem like much, but it made reflect. I have a good woman on my side. I really do.

Post College Life

2008-06-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

Since graduation, life has been great. I sit around the house and watch all the news I could ever watch. I get a chance to play some video games. I sleep until noon. Also, I clean around the house to help my mother and stepdad out. I got to attend my mothers and stepfather's wedding. My girlfriend came and visited Baltimore. We watched a drive-in movie (that is a great experience!! i recommend it!!). It has been good.

I have just been relaxing and enjoying the time before I start work. I start at the school on June 20th. They are sending me to a conference in Indianapolis I believe. I move into my apartment June 15th. I have just been taking the time I need to get my business in order. I have also been enjoying being young and a college graduate. It really does feel good to say I am a college graduate. Not to be cocky, but I walk around with my chest puffed out. I get a sense of pride when I think about what I have accomplished .

Yet now I look forward to what comes next. This is my first real job; like career type stuff. I am not even scared; just excited. Im ready for the next step.

YES WE CAN!!!

Flashing Lights

2008-05-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

Kanye West Flashing Lights Video (Version 2) from RockBox on Vimeo.

Here is a different version of the "Flashing Lights" video by Kanye West. I like this version. I feel connected to the characters

The Graduate

2008-05-27T07:28:00.000-07:00

It is official: I am now a college graduate!! I graduated May 18th. It is unbelievable to think that my college life is now over. Now, I am left with a bittersweet feeling in my gut. I was very ready to leave and start my new journey. I just love starting over and beginning again.

Yet I also wish it is not over.

First of all, I love the friends I have made there. From strip club trips to early morning Mario Kart sessions, it was all gravy. I can no longer wander across campus to see them. Life will be different without them at my finger tips. However, I hope them the best. They will be successful. I just want them to know that just because I don't see them often, it does not mean I love them any less.

Back In Business

2008-05-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

I am good now. No more chickenpox. I am no longer contagious!! I started class on Monday and it actually feels good to be back. That cabin fever started to kick in like none other. I would sneak out the apartment just to get some air. It is difficult catching up however; I hardly did any work while sick.

Graduation is almost here. I have a bunch of friends that are coming up and I am excited!! The freedom train is on the way!

Congrats to Obama! He won N. Carolina by 14 percentage points. He barely lost Indiana but thats ok. I do believe Hillary should quit. Mathematically, there is no way she can win. Also, if she does get the nomination, it would tear the party apart. The perception would be that party leaders, not the people, chose the candidate. And we all know that perception is everything.

We essentially had show and tell for my Archaeological Theory class. We had to bring in a piece of material culture. Our discussion was about how things and humans interact. Objects are manifestations of ideas and relationships. My stripper pole represents a lot. This is what the professor said:

My social status: It is very expensive and many people chipped in to buy it. It shows my ability to bring in resources, which is very high.
It also represents in general, my friendship with these people.
It represents a commercial transaction between men and women
It also represents gender relations
It is also represents a power relationship between women and men
It also demonstrates how I relate to the opposite sex
There was also a discussion on how the form and the pole itself gives meaning to the object

It was quite insightful. I never looked at an object like that. So now I am sitting in my apartment analyzing everything. And there is a lesson in archaeological theory

This Is Talent

2008-05-04T12:05:00.000-07:00

This is talent right here. This was Ryan Leslie on Sirius Radio with DJ Green Lantern. Ryan Leslie did this live! He improved off of Lil Wayne's "Lollipop". I was just amazed at it.

When Epsi Gets The Itching and Scratching

2008-04-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

I have chickenpox.

Again.

I The first time I got them I was in the third grade. Now, at the age of 21, I have chickenpox. It turned out to be quite an adventure.

Sunday, I started to reak out. At first I thought it was just hives. They looked like what I thought hives should look like. So I took some prescription strength Zyrtek. I thought everything would be ok.

It did not turn out as good as I had hoped.

Last night at 11pm, the bumps were still itching. Plus I felt some dizziness and a headache. So I go into m bed and lay down. While laying the bed, I felt my face start to flush. I told the girlfriend and she got concerned. I took my temperature and it was at 100.6. She called her mom, who is a nurse. As we are talking to her mom, more bumps are forming. She says if anything get worse, go to the ER. We take my temperature at 11:30. 101.1

Trip to the hospital.

We go to St. Vincent at first. I get seen pretty quickly. This doctor was wack. He never even looked at my arm. I told him I had bumps and a fever. He said I had some allergy issues. So he prescribes Amoxicillan, Nasonex, and Prednisone. I was a little upset. I asked for a second opinion. He said he was pretty sure about his diagnosis. I roll-bounced out of there. I have allergies and they have never caused me to itch or get a fever. I also di dnot want to put my hands on anyone. I still had a fever and I was not thinking clearly at all. Plus the dude never looked at me. I was raging mad.

Thus, we head to Hamot Hospital. I takes FOREVER to get seen. I fell asleep before I got seen. This doctor however was cool. He took my temperature. Then he listened to me and asked me a bunch of questions. Next, he looked at my arm for like 5 minutes. He then looked at my leg where there were also bumps.

He stands up says, "This makes sense. You have chickenpox"

"You sure?" I asked. " I have already had chickenpox"

"Some people never develop immunity. The body never works 100% all the time."

I am relieved. I told him what happened at the other hospoital. He laughed and said if the other doctor would have just looked, it would have been a simple diagnosis. He told me to get some Benadryl and stay away from people.

So I but Calamine lotion, Aveeno oatmeal bath, and Twizzlers. Now I am in exile.

Tagged

2008-04-23T13:29:00.000-07:00

I was tagged so here we go:

The rules are as follows:

* link to the person that tagged you : Charles
* post the rules on your blog
* share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
* tag random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
* let each random person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog

1. I am a Trekkie. Not a serious one. I do not own any uniforms or go to any conventions. Yet I love Start Trek. I love The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. I watch it whenever I get a chance. Its addictive.

2. I hold grudges. It is something I should probably work on. When I hate someone, I truly do. It is hard to get off my shit list. Plus I am extremely vocal about it.

3. I play with my locks when I am bored. I sit in class and just play in my own hair. It gives me something to do while my professor rants about structuralism, Marxist archaeology, and the role that behavioral archaeology plays in social theory.

4. Scrabble is my favorite board game. I get really competitive about Scrabble. I have been know to throw tiles at people when upset. I have even stormed out of rooms. I cannot help it. I am uber-competitive about everything. Thats why I do not do sports. My college has horrible teams and I hate to lose.

5. I have to open the refrigerator when I walk in the door. It is a habit. I have done it since forever. I do it even when I am not hungry. I just have to look in the refrigerator.

6. Lately I have been having dreams about being abducted by the government and being tortured. I have no clue why. Maybe because I watch too many movies. Maybe I harbor a deep unconscious distrust of the government (or maybe it is conscious lol). If I disappear, you all know what happened

People I tagged: Brittany

Random Thoughts

2008-04-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

Barack's response was funny in this video

I like my social ethics class. It can get preachy at times but it comes from a good place.

I hate being at my girlfriend's place. Her roommates always got some drama. Thus, I stay away so I do not get involved.

My new roommate is messy as fuck. I keep telling him to clean his shit up. I am about to resort to busting his head open.

Erie is finally having some good weather. I need to work on this tan lol. Let me quit playing. But seriously, I just love this warm weather. It puts me in a good mood.

I miss my television show House!! I have to buy season three on DVD.

I am broke phi broke. Not hav ing money is killing me.

One month until graduation!! I finally get my freedom paper!!

Political Video

2008-04-09T11:45:00.000-07:00

Someone sent this to me. I really do not know how I feel. I am kind of ambivalent towards it. It is filled with various biases.

What is your response?

Hillary

2008-04-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

I am really not a Hillary Clinton fan. She seems as if she may be a nice person but I never could find a reason to vote for her. I had this gut instinct that she was dishonest. Nothing specifically happened yet I felt something deep, deep, deep inside that said she was little shady. I guess because all her speeches had this fraudulent emotion. It never seemed genuine.

Now in the past few weeks, my gut feeling was made real. There are two specific instances actually. The first had to do with her trip to Bosnia. She made the claim that she came under sniper fire as the plane landed. Once it was found out that her version of the story was not true, she said she misspoke. I find this difficult to swallow. How do you misspeak about being shot at. Being shot at is one of the experiences that you will always remember. I know people who have been shot and shot at. There is no mistaking gunfire. That is something that is seared into your memory. Yet she flat out lied. Not misspoke, not made a mistake. She lied. That is despicable. There are men and women who are shot everyday in Iraq and you want to lie about it. She should feel sick to her stomach.

The second episode happened recently. Hillary Clinton spoke at my college, Mercyhurst College. She came and told a story. This story was about a woman who was pregnant. The woman had some complications with her pregnancy. She had no health insurance so she could not get treatment. This woman tried several times to get treatment. It was not until she was brought in on an ambulance. She ended up dying due to the complications.

I find it sad that she has to lie. Hillary Clinton lied. People, do your research.

If I Ruled The Blogging World

2008-03-31T18:02:00.000-07:00

If I ruled the blogging world....

... Blogger would never go out or act difficult

... My blog crush would admit her undying affection for me. Then I would have to turn her down because I have a girlfriend. Or convince her and the girlfriend why i should be allowed to have them both. At the same time. Living with me.

... I would put a 2 week moratorium on Jameil talking about food lol

... La would be enlisted to be my blogging memoirist. She can write her ass off.

... Wise would see me everytime I return to Baltimore.

... All the sexy bloggers would live near me hahahaha!!!

... I would blog more often.

... I would not be afraid to let my real world friends read my blog.

... I would actually tell the girlfriend I have a blog.

... Cnel and I would do a blog together.

... I could speak my blog entries into existence as if I was God. It would go something like this:
"And Epsilonicus says 'LET THERE BE A BLOG ENTRY'. And the blog entry came into being. And Epsilonicus saw that it was good".

... I would interview Barack Obama and put the interview on my blog.

... Since Hillary Clinton is coming to my school tomorrow, I would interview her and put it on the blog also.

... I would get paid millions of dollars to do this!!!

News Addiction

2008-03-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

I seriously have a news addiction. It is taking over my life. I read 3 newspapers daily. Then I read Yahoo news throughout the day. I read MSNBC.com all day. Then I have the tv on Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC (I watch Fox so I can be "fair and balanced"). I cannot help it. I cannot go 3 hours without watching the news. If I do, I get that crackhead twitch. I start feening for the news.

But seriously, I have to know what is going on in the world. I can't be without my information. It really is an essential part of my day.

I guess it could be worse. I could be addicted to sex, drugs, and hip-hop.

Oops. Too late on two of them.

Boring Day

2008-03-23T14:39:00.000-07:00

I am ready to just chuck this computer. I have been trying to work on my senior thesis and it is not working. Every time I write, there always seems to be something else I need that I do not have. It is insane. I want to slap someone. Like I want to cover my hand in baby powder and slap someone.

My building has some very attractive young women. This normally is not a problem but they are flirtatious. One came in my apartment while I was asleep and kissed me on my neck. This resident has a boyfriend who I am cool with I cannot have that. I better lock my door when I sleep. But yeah, these girls are wild. They answer the door half naked. They just strip whenever I am around. But I am cool. I can resist lol.

I have been bumping "Royalty" by Gangstarr. I get that throwback vibe from it. I wonder exactly how old that song is. I have also been listening to "Victory" By Notorious B.I.G. featuring Puffy and Busta Rhymes. That song gets me hyped. It motivates me to do some homework.

The girlfriend left me here to go home for Easter. So I have just been chilling. The roommates are gone so I have been eating butt-naked Cheerios lol!!

Hahahaa I am just kidding.

Maybe.

But it is good to have the place to myself. I like the quiet. I need it for sure.

Celebrity Crushes

2008-03-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

These are my biggest celebrity crushes of all time

I just love Toni Braxton. Short hair, long hair, it just did not matter. I used to have all of her albums. She was just was fine with that deep husky voice. The body of a goddess. She is sexy as all get out. Sadly, I would let a little bitchassness enter my soul if thats what it took to get a piece of Toni. I would drink her bath water, rub her feet. The things I could do to her now that I am legal...

Back to the topic on hand. I had her first album cover hanging on my wall for a long time. Plus she is from Maryland. I still tell people I am going to marry her. It would be good for her though. I am pretty good with money so I can get her taxes in order.

Sade has a voice from heaven and I was in love from the moment I first saw her. My attraction to Sade was not crazy sexual. I figured I would marry her, cook, clean, and treat her like a princess. I would be the best man she could ever even fathom to exist. Plus I want her to sing lullabies to me as I fall asleep. Or maybe while we are getting our freak on, she could sing "Sweetest Taboo". But I just felt like I would marry this woman and live happily ever after.

To keep it simple, Janet epitomizes sexy to me. I just get the feeling she is a freak and I am trying to find and explore her freakdom with her. I just think she is so sexy. I have had a crush since "Janet" album. That picture on that album cover was beautiful. Plus she could dance and all. She is fine up to today. Janet if you see this, lets explore our freakdom together lol.

Confessions

2008-03-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

As a part of this Making of the Blog series I am participating in, I have to confess something I have never told anyone about. This should be interesting.

I have robbed people.

What I mean by that is I have ran up one someone and took their money. I have done this twice. It happened during high school I think. The situation at home was dire. There was no money what so ever. Thus, twice me and a friend went downtown and robbed someone. I would only pick White males. I could not rob females because of my mom. Women remind me too much of my mother. I would not do people of color. I tried to justify my actions by only robbing White men. I was only successful once. I was not good at all. People ran too fast.

One night I was down at the Eutaw Street subway stop near Lexington Market in downtown Baltimore. A friend and I saw this guy walking down the street alone. We started to follow him. After two blocks, we told him to come hear. He got scared and ran.

We chased this guy for 5 blocks. He got loose on us. I just could not keep up. So he got away. I felt bad after that time and I never did it again. I really learned that I have too much of a conscience to lead a life of crime. I am just not built for it. Even to this day, I regret doing that. Never again have I even considered that course of action.

I am not built to be a criminal. So I took my ass to college.

Facebook Maturity

2008-03-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

One of my residents complained to me today, over Facebook.

My best friend brings her dog over pretty frequently. The rule on campus is that one should not have a dog that lives with you. But my friend will come and stay the weekend, thus the dog sometimes does too. Well, one of the girls across the hall sent me a Facebook. She said that it was not fair that I have a dog. Even though someone else owns it, the dog is here all he time.

So I go across the hall to approach her. I figure mature people talk face-to-face. So when I politely ask her to repeat her complaint, she said she had none. I asked her about the message, she basically avoided it.

If we are suppose to be growing into fully mature human beings, we should be able to state when we have a complaint. No one should only want to argue over the Internet. I refuse to answer that Facebook message. We live across the hall from each other. She should be able to come and talk to me. I am not rude (at least I try not to be). I will NOT let someone Internet harass me however. So she better woman up and talk face-to-face.

PS: I have deleted yesterday's blog entry. I re-read it this morning and found it to be highly immature. It was not something becoming a grown man. If this deletion poses a problem to you, you can email me and we can have a discussion about it.

School Time Grind

2008-03-09T12:51:00.000-07:00

Im in my final trimester of my senior year now. This means I am busting my ass with six classes this term. I am stressed as all get-out. I have to finish everything and I do not know if I can do that. I am going to try my best though. I really am. These classes are killing me. At least 2 are independent study types. I just have to produce a show for the school tv station. It should not be that bad at all. My one show is a political commentary show. That should be an interesting experience. One commentator is a Libertarian, the other is a Republican. This dynamic should create some interesting political conversation.

This Erie weather is crazy. We have gotten almost two feet this weekend. I feel like I am trapped in Siberia. I could not even go out because of all the snow. So I stayed in Friday night. Then it continured to snow all day and night Saturday. I died a little on the inside. Lol. But I stayed in too. I just did not have the emotional fortitude to brave all that snow ahahaha. Here are some pictures.

Spring Break 08

2008-02-27T10:04:00.000-08:00

It has definitely been a minute since I blogged but I have returned and have a lot to share.

Finals
Finals were stressful as all get out. I had projects, take home finals, regular finals, and papers due in 3 days. I was stressed. I thought my hair would fall out I was so stressed. I almost cussed out my Hinduism professor. He had the nerve to try and restrict me going to the bathroom. Now never in the history of... cant use the word I wanted to use... college did I ever ask to use the restroom. He actually threw a fit. I sat there though. The Baltimore was about to come out of me and I was going to go Juggernaut on that ass. But I just kept taking my test. But I made it and came home Wednesday.

Break
This break is exciting!! I have found a job!! I will be teaching at a small Catholic school named St. Ignatius Loyola Academy. I am soooooo I excited. It is a small private Catholic middle school for impoverished males in Baltimore. Cnel and I actually attended this school for our middle school years. This is where we met. But I am really glad to have found post-graduation work.

I have not really done anything fun this break. I just have been resting. I really really just needed to chill. So I have been hiding out in my house. It is what I do.

I also had to take care of some health issues. I sleepwalk, also known as non-REM parasomnia. It is serious. I have grabbed and punched my girlfriend in my sleep. I have found myself in the living room after falling asleep in my bedroom. I am not worried though; there is a simple solution. More sleep at an earlier time The sleep specialist told me that I need to get to sleep earlier. I cannot deprive myself of sleep at all. He was worried because I have had violent episodes. So I have to go back and secure my apartment. Keep cords off the middle of the floor, no sharp objects in reach, lock windows etc. The specialist said imagine a 2 year old with a 21 year old strength. If the change in my sleep pattern does not make it better, I have to take meds for it.

I am not worried at all. I did a sleep study which was fun. They hooked me up to these machines in a sleep lab last night. Then asked me some questions and I went to sleep. It was especially easy because I was tired. Then I woke up, they unhooked me, I took a shower, then left. It was easy peezy.

Other than that, my health is good, my life is good, I cannot complain. Talk to you all later.

My Music Video

2008-02-20T22:06:00.000-08:00

I had to create a music video for my Post Production class. I chose Gym Class Heroes "Viva La White Girl". It is my favorite song off their album. I hope that you all enjoy this video.

Demo Reel

2008-02-18T10:10:00.000-08:00

This is a really good friend of mine Daniel Robertson. He put his demo reel on youtube and I thought I would share it with all of you. Enjoy!!

On This Valentine's Day...

2008-02-14T20:48:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentleman, I now have a girlfriend.

It is weird. I knew this would happen. The lucky young lady is someone I have been seeing since Texas(you can look for the entry yourselves. i feel lazy). We both went to field school together. That is where our innocent flirtation started.

I did not think we would ever get together. I asked her and she told me to wait. I was getting impatient and I was about to cut her off. We got into it about 2 weeks ago and I was about to drop her. I felt that she was taking too long. Come to find out she has been planning this for a month now. I am glad that I waited lol.

She kicked me out of my apartment for two hours. She fixed a nice dinner. So I came in and there were candles everywhere with the table set. Some nice wine was being served. We had dinner together. Then, we had dessert which was a chocolate mousse topped with raspberries. After dessert she handed me a box. In the box was the note asking me to be her boyfriend. It si what I wanted to I said yeah. So now I have a single leading lady. This may take some time getting used to this. It has been awhile...

Yes We Can

2008-02-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant ........... We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea --

Yes. We. Can.

Wal-mart Love

2008-02-04T12:53:00.000-08:00

To all ma ladies in the dance
I don't even know your name
Little woman I don't even know your age
But there's something about you girl
When I see you wining in front the stage
Please forgive me, please excuse me
But there's nothing else that a man can do
I can't help myself little woman
I just need to be next to you

Rupee - Tempted To Touch

I step into the self-checkout line at Wal-mart with my ice cream and Pringles. The lady in front of me seems to be struggling using the checkout. So I look around at the other lines, wondering which one I should go to. While I am looking to my left I feel a small hand touch my right shoulder.

I turn around and see a small woman who looked no older than 22. She is about 5'3, with a complexion that reminds me of Nia Long. A smile gracefully moved across her face. Her hair was about shoulder length. She was wearing a Wal-mart shirt that was well-fitting for her upper body. Her hips were mesmerizing with "assets" that would surprise someone because of how small she was.

"I can help you up here," she said. I just nodded and followed her. I kept staring at her as she walked. She walked with confidence.

" I am not suppose to do this but I feel bad. I do not want you waiting forever for the lady to finish. I get exhausted looking at her," she said this and then smiled.

"I would like to thank you," I stammered as I kept looking at her lips. I was losing focus and getting nervous.

" I like your hair," she smiled at me again. I could not say anything. So I stuttered, "Thanks"

She took my items and rang them up, "$4.70 is your total". I handed her the money. She took the money out of my hand a little oddly. It was if she wanted to touch me. As she gave me the change, she touched the center of my palm. I felt myself get a little more nervous.

I then got courageous enough to say something other than thanks, "I feel bad that you are working during the Super Bowl. You should be watching the game."

"I know! If I was not here I would definitely watching the game with a friend." She said this and winked at me. I stood there, still staring at her with a smile.

"Tell them to give you raise! Take care!" I said this as I was walking away. In my mind I was debating whether or not I should ask for her number and name. I found her attractive. She seemed nice. She was giving me signals...

I kept it moving. I was too afraid to approach.

Brown

Niggers, Niggas, Niggaz

2008-01-29T08:52:00.000-08:00

This makes me want to stop using the word.

Jealousy Is A Color You Should Not Wear

2008-01-17T13:44:00.000-08:00

Jealousy is not what is hot in the streets these days. But some people have not realized that.

I invited this chick Lauren out to th bar with me and a few friends. Lauren normally rarely goes out with people and I felt bad. So we all go out. This girl gets mad because I buy a drink for a friend who was celebrating her birthday. Lauren gets really pissy about it. Then Lauren keeps bringing up the fact that I dated her over her (This happened our freshman year and we are now seniors). That got annoying really quickly. Then she got upset that this Brazilian girl was talking to me and dancing with me.

She says, " You know I am prettier than her"

I gave her an odd look. I went back to macking on the Brazilian chick.

Later I am daancing with the birthday friend. No lie, we are getting down on the wall. Its very flirtatious but it means nothing. Lauren continues to stare and make faces.

I dance with Lauren and she starts questioning me, "Why cant you stop all these girls from flirting? Why do they like you? They need to leave you alone."

What sense does it make for her to get jealous when she has a man? This man who treats her better than other she has met. So we leave around 12:30 and head to my place to play Wii.

Wrong idea.

We get back and she continues to whine. I tell her to shut up and play. She starts going flip mode. She then screams that she is tired. I tell her she can sleep in the empty room. She tries to take residence in my bed.

Thats a no no. If not invited, you dont lay in my bed. Thats the rule. My bed. School pays for me to sleep there, not anyone else. So I go on my computer and hit up my friend Amanda. She was having some trouble. Lauren comes in,

"Who is this bitch?!?!?!? You trying to fuck her too??!?!"

Now I have not even tried to get at Lauren. But that was out of line. So I put her out. So she leaves. As I am on my way to visit Amanda, Lauren sees me from across the parking lot.

"So now you want some pussy from this other bitch because I would not give you none?!?!? Fuck you Gary!!!"

"No, fuck you Lauren. Thats why you made!!! You know I wont you stank pussy bitch!"

And I keep it moving. Jealousy is ugly. I mean Lauren was cool until she got jealousy. There is no reason for a supposed adult or whatever to act that way. If you feeling me, come correct. But she has a man so she does not need to worry about what I am doing. I am grown.

Wii

2008-01-16T15:57:00.000-08:00

I finally have a Nintendo Wii!! I love it. I only have the Wii Sports game for now. I ordered some more and they are on the way. But seriously, if you do not have a Wii, get one. It has a fitness test on it. Trust me, you can get a little bit of a workout. Do Wii boxing with and friend and you will end up sweating. I am also going to get another controller so I can play with other people. Best believe that the Wii is what is hot in the streets right now.

I have also been playing Mario 64. I have been getting my video game on this week. I have some free time so I play a few games to chill. It just reminds me of my youth when I played Super Nintendo. Oh well.

News Break

2008-01-11T09:21:00.000-08:00

Terrorism:

I have reached a point in which I am tired of being told i should be afraid. When I look at many of the presidential candidates, (Guiliani, Clinton, Romney) all I hear is that I should be afraid. Do these idiots not realize that is what the terrorists want?? They want us to walk around afraid. That is what a terrorist does. He/she commits violent acts that inspire terror.

I refuse to be like that. If the attacks are going to happen. they will. All we can do is be prepared. We also have to realize that nothing we do will keep us 100% safe. It is just not feasible. So you have to realize that even after all the precautions there is still a chance of an attack. Just keep your head up and do not live in fear. As Katt Williams says:

"Control the shit you can control. Don't worry about the rest of it"

Elections

I love this election season. I am proud of Obama. He is definitely making a fight out of it. His message is a positive one. When I hear what he says, I feel as if there is a chance the world can get better. That is what really makes me like him. He knows that our country has issues. He nows that there are a lot of issues. Yet he makes it seem as if it is possible to find a solution to the problems. Other Democratic candidates do not have the optimism. I hope he wins. I am definitely excited. I have watched all the primaries so far.

Israel vs Palestine

Bush should have been took his monkey ass over there. Now he wants to wait until he is almost done to pretend to care. I guess he figured Iraq will not be done so he needs to try nation-building some where else. What a waste!!! I do hope that he succeeds however. Solving the Israeli-Palestinian problem is key. Fixing that problem helps in many ways
1. It requires a coalition of Arab nations. This means that they have a stake in maintaining peace in Palestine. This coalition can then be used to help with Iraq.
2. With statehood finally coming to being, this will help eliminate terrorism in Palestine. People have no reason to invest in the ideology when they have what they want.

Wanted: Psychiatrist For Hire

2008-01-04T12:16:00.000-08:00

I need help. I need to talk to someone seriously. Here is why:

I live by myself. My roommate Ty decided he was taking the term off. So he will not be back until Spring Term. This means I am alone. Now most people would love living on their own. There is a peace that comes wit it. BUT I AM SOOOOOOO LONELY!! I am dead serious. I am used to there always being someone around. It got so bad that I did the Cupid Shuffle in my apartment BY MYSELF!! I need my roommate to get his ass back here. I am going loco. I have four tv's in the apartment and I keep two of them on at all times plus the music blaring. Thats done so that there is noise. It does not feel quite as lonely.

But other than that life has been great. Cnel and I went to the bar back in Baltimore and had a blast. We found a spot called Iguana Cantina. They had a $12 open bar night on Saturday. So we went. It was a little weird because I felt so old. Now I am only 21 but the people there looked like kids. I guess I am used to there being a lot of older people instead of only college kids. So i was a little awkward but a whole bunch of drinks later, it was great!! Me and Cnel at the bar. I am a little tipsy....

But I am back at school now trying to get my hustle on. So I am adjusting to the whole "actually doing work" business. I need to finish strong. I am a senior so I should pretend to be a good example to the youngins ahahahaha!! Just kidding. But I need to go. I got things to do.

Just To Let You Know.

2007-12-27T07:28:00.000-08:00

I am gone until I get back to Erie Jan 2. I just need a break from blogging. Plus I have nothing to say. So take care all. I will be back soon.

R.I.P. Bhutto. Pakistan has lost a great woman and political savior. You will be there in spirit.

Christmas Break

2007-12-23T19:40:00.000-08:00

I am now back in Baltimore for the holiday. I am soooo glad. I need this time to relax. The last few weeks have just been kind of slow. I have also lacked a little motivation to do work. I have no clue why that is so, it just is. I have been really slacking on school work which is not a good look. Kicking it in gear is necessary. Hopefully this break will provide the rest and relaxation that will kick me in the a$$.

I also will try to get together with some people since I am home. I need to see a few friends (Cnel) who I neglected the last time I was back. Also, if anyone Baltimore bloggers would like to link up, let me know.

I need to also work on my thesis while I have the time. If I hope to graduate, it needs to get moving.

I will also get my hair done. I need maintenance done on these locks. I am looking very Rasta at the moment!!

Random Thoughts Again

2007-12-14T05:54:00.000-08:00

- I need therapy. I had a dream with Jameil in it. We went some where with my mom. A security guard disrespected them both and I choked him out UFC style.
- I also need to sleep better. This while 2am bed time is not working.
- My roommate is leaving for the winter term. That means I am in here by myself. It going to be lonely.
- Ugly sweater parties are stupid. Its the worst idea ever. Who wants to go out in public looking a mess??
- Baseball needs to get its act together. I cannot believe Roger Clemens used steroids!!! Thats why I do not watch baseball anymore.
- Too many of my residents look fine, especially the ones with boyfriends.
- I am about to do some cleaning in my dating life. There have been several times when I have picked up the phone and wanted to call all the women in my phone and tell them to lose my number.
- I have numbers of women who I do not remember meeting.
- The Ravens better not lose to the Dolphins!
- Who would have thought the Browns would have been so good this year??
- Its ugly here in Erie. The rain has washed away all the snow and now its muddy and just nasty.

She Got Kids

2007-12-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

She got kids
And I don't know if I'm ready to give
Them the things that they need to live
'Cause if we become more than just friends what I do for her I gotta do for them kids
She got kids
And I just wanna make sure this is
more than just some sexual trip
See all I wanna do is prevent those kids from getting hurt again

Lyfe - "She Got Kids"

I am not feeling the situation I am in. One of the women I am seeing has two children. She is an older woman (at least older than me.).I have never been in the the situation before. So I am trying to play it by ear.

The problem is that she told me about one child but did not tell me about her younger son. I guess I should have asked a few more questions and all. But I feel she should have been a little bit more open about it. Now I am curious to know what else is she hiding. She should have told me from jump. So now I am reconsidering. Me and her have only been cool for a month and a half. I have not really talked about my family. Yet I do feel that was dishonest of her not to tell me from jump. I did not discuss it because I want to wait

Now I met the kids yesterday. We decorated one of her Christmas trees. I did not feel comfortable being over there with the kids. The oldest was grilling me. The boy stepped all on my coat. I wanted to yoke his little @$$ up. He was rude. Then the boy kept bringing up the ex. I am not jealous but that was rude. When my mother was dating, I would never do anything like that. She would have put that whupping on my bottom. But teh boy was being realy rude. She tried to check him but he would not listen. I told her on the way to dropping me off that her kids are a bit much and that we need to have a one on one discussion.

I do not know if I can do this. I mean I am not trying to wife her up or anything. I leave Erie in May after graduation and I let her know that. But I may still have to deal with the kids if I continue to deal with her. What am I getting myself into????